Venting crossroads

[halleyscomet]

i'm starting to get to a point where i have a decision to make. as my life progresses and i gain more responsibilities and relationships, cbt becomes much more difficult.
right now i am at a point where i am completely and utterly alone, i have absolutely no one. i am completely unloved and invisible to those around me.
this would be the perfect time to cbt, as i will effect the people around me the least.
time is ticking and i need to decide whether i will go now or will continue into adulthood, go to nursing school, have kids ect...
but i am unsure if i want to to die, im so numb and tired i can't really think of the pros and cons.

i just want to be loved, i want to be happy, but it feels like only the sweet embrace of death will bring that to me.

im just so exhausted and depressed. i wish someone or something would swing me one way or the other. either way i know i will never be able to achieve full happiness.
i just dont know whether to use the rest of my life to serve the world around me, or save on resources and cbt now.

im so tired i just want a hug

 

[WretchedDreams]

It is very difficult to feel alone and abandoned. 'tis a state that increases uncertainty, as if another persons presence could give the push that is needed or pull us back to something. I will repeat a cliché that is always said: "That person is you", I find such thinking disingenous. What is little understood is that even for oneself one ceases to be. You become an Unperson.

I hope you can find some solid footing, to live life or end it, one or the other but on your own terms and not because of pressure from the world.
Be safe.

 

[Coconteppi]

I hugged a supposedly telepathic pillow really hard and told it to send it to you! Hope ypu got it! :)

 

[Scacie]

I definitely understand how you feel. I had so many chances to be with her and spend our lives together, but neither of us made any moves and the moment has passed. I'm not too sure what advice I can give, but I truly you can find the thing in life that brings you true happiness and fulfilment.
I'm here if you want to talk about it

 

[Coconteppi]

I really feel like I relate to your thoughts / position surrounding life. Many of my posts are related to my views. I'd love to hear you elaborate on what reasons you want to live/die. :)

 

[halleyscomet]

I really feel like I relate to your thoughts / position surrounding life. Many of my posts are related to my views. I'd love to hear you elaborate on what reasons you want to live/die. :)

reasons why i want to live:
1) i have an aspiration to be a psyc or palliative nurse for children, it is my dream (ik pretty ironic but is what it is) i feel like i have this calling to help those at death's door, and i would like to be a source of comfort during those days
2) i think i'm a good person. i do like the person that i am, i think i can bring a lot of good things into this world.
3) i love to learn, knowing more about the world makes me excited there's always something new
4) i love people, even though i have been treated badly and left alone, i love talking to people, listening to their stories, admiring their features, it brings me joy
5) i don't want to be a waste, i've worked so hard to stay alive so fucking hard, idk if it's time to give up all that progress

reasons i want to die:
1) if i'm going to cbt i need to do it now, i don't want to cause any pain and suffering and right now i am as invisible to the world as i think i'll ever get
2) im severely mentally ill, i am constantly depressed and suicidal and i have an ed, i am constantly stressed and suffer constant panic attacks, its all chronic and won't be able to be fixed, at least not fully. if i'm going to be miserable i may as well cbt
3) i've always wanted to cbt, i have been like this since i was very young. it has molded every decision in my life up until now. how can i come back from that?
4) i'm autistic, the world simply wasn't made for people like me. it is a life long disability that has no treatment or cure. for me, my well being relies on those around me. i don't want to live a life where a good or bad day is dictated by others. i will probably have to have supported living to some extent and i don't know if i can live if it means i have to rely on others who don't give a shit
5) lack of resources. i have no savings/trust fund to build my life from. i recieve no support from mh/disability services and cannot afford private ones. if i'm going to continue living i need to get better, i don't know if i have that capability

i hope this gives you some comfort and understanding <3 my dms are always open if you'd like to chat about it

 

[attheend13]

reasons why i want to live:
1) i have an aspiration to be a psyc or palliative nurse for children, it is my dream (ik pretty ironic but is what it is) i feel like i have this calling to help those at death's door, and i would like to be a source of comfort during those days
2) i think i'm a good person. i do like the person that i am, i think i can bring a lot of good things into this world.
3) i love to learn, knowing more about the world makes me excited there's always something new
4) i love people, even though i have been treated badly and left alone, i love talking to people, listening to their stories, admiring their features, it brings me joy
5) i don't want to be a waste, i've worked so hard to stay alive so fucking hard, idk if it's time to give up all that progress

reasons i want to die:
1) if i'm going to cbt i need to do it now, i don't want to cause any pain and suffering and right now i am as invisible to the world as i think i'll ever get
2) im severely mentally ill, i am constantly depressed and suicidal and i have an ed, i am constantly stressed and suffer constant panic attacks, its all chronic and won't be able to be fixed, at least not fully. if i'm going to be miserable i may as well cbt
3) i've always wanted to cbt, i have been like this since i was very young. it has molded every decision in my life up until now. how can i come back from that?
4) i'm autistic, the world simply wasn't made for people like me. it is a life long disability that has no treatment or cure. for me, my well being relies on those around me. i don't want to live a life where a good or bad day is dictated by others. i will probably have to have supported living to some extent and i don't know if i can live if it means i have to rely on others who don't give a shit
5) lack of resources. i have no savings/trust fund to build my life from. i recieve no support from mh/disability services and cannot afford private ones. if i'm going to continue living i need to get better, i don't know if i have that capability

i hope this gives you some comfort and understanding <3 my dms are always open if you'd like to chat about it

I can relate to a lot of what you said. You sound like you truly are at a crossroads. I feel that way too. If I go on I'm a burden and if I cbt I'm a selfish monster.