Crazy range of emotions before attempt

[May_]

Hello

I am less than 24 hours away from SN. Tomorrow at 6pm I'm going to prepare the solution, drink it, then lie down in bed and go to sleep.

I feel very strange right now. Looking at everything wondering if I'm going to see it again. Will this be my last hot shower, or my last cup of ice cream?

But I know once I'm dead, I won't care about any of this. It's not like i'm going to miss these things. It's not like I am moving to another place without these things. It's really odd.

Everything just looks so good right now. I am focused on all the positive parts of life, even if they aren't even real (I.e. "fun times" in the past that weren't actually any good)

I just can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that i'm going to not exist tomorrow. I've planned this for YEARS. It doesn't even seem real. It's like my brain knows I'm going to lose to SI.

As a follow up to my last post, I do want to say I found someone to discuss suicide with. My psychiatrist called me. He said something along the lines of "May, i know you are a smart person. I know that if you wanted to end your life, you would be capable of finding the means to do so and executing a plan." So I told him all about SN, what I was going to do, etc. instead of calling the police or throwing me in the hospital, he lead me through a variety of things to consider. Like who will find me dead, what instructions are you going to leave behind, where will your valuable possessions go, etc. stuff I really appreciate.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm really surprised your psychiatrist reacted like that. Usually fears of liability are the most important thing to them.

i'm sorry to hear about the struggle. It can be hard for reason to override emotion and I guess this struggle awaits me soon. Anyway, if it doesn't happen soon and life doesn't somehow improve, eventually the pain of living will eclipse everything.

 

[ShuttingDown]

Good luck, hope u go in peace

 

[Justnotme]

It seems that your psychiatrist is a holy man...I wish that you were not hurt and finally you were calm

 

[Forever Sleep]

I expect it must feel very strange. I keep trying to imagine what it will be like.

I even start thinking whether I should try to do some nice things before I go. Nice food, maybe visit some places. Then I think- it probably doesn't matter!

It's so refreshing that your psychiatrist was sensible about it. That must have been a comfort. I hope you manage to find peace and freedom. Nearly there... That's what I keep trying to tell myself.

 

[TydalWave]

That is a refreshing take from your psychiatrist.

I agree and the fact that you have made it this far (to SS) and decided on your own plan shows how deeply you've thought about it.

Still that is only half the battle... I hope you continue to get the support you need and keep that level of trust with your pysch.

Goodluck on your journey wherever it takes you.

 

[Agon123]

(written using google translate)

I know exactly how you feel because I plan to end this farce on Saturday. I'm feeling very abstract and it's not quite coming to me yet, but I'm ready to try, so I'm going to do it. Regards and wish you a good and peaceful journey to the other side (whatever it is)

 

[stilhavinightmares]

If I could have someone on my team I could have conversations with like yours with your psychiatrist…wow. I'm glad you have him. I also feel all those emotions coming down to hopefully my last week of life. I'm also afraid my brain is prepping for the SI to ruin everything, but I guess that's what the brain is here for, right? Helping us live. Going toward life. Ugh.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's great to hear that at least that person respects the right to die and accepts suicide as being a rational solution. It's a shame though that suicide is still so stigmatised in most of society but at least you had someone that you could be open with about your wish to leave and not have to fear the person potentially interfering. After all, death is the most normal and expected thing and it isn't like there could ever be anything wrong with choosing not to delay our inevitable fate, so people should be as accepting as your psychiatrist.

But yes, it's impossible to comprehend the fact that you will soon be gone as after all this existence is all that you know. I personally see the thought of non existence as being such a comfort as I never want to endure another day of this and after all to die solves everything. I hope that you find the freedom that you wish for.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Do you happen to still be around?