Discussion CPTSD as a main reason to CTB (it's long)

[Livingvsdying25]

This is gonna be a mix of a vent & a discussion.

I'm currently awake/have been for like 2 hrs watching anime.
I've been re-watching anime I have not seen in a long time.
The one I'm currently watching is almost done but I wanted to make this post bc I was just thinking... / before I get too sleepy.

Taking a full break from socializing and interacting at the like worst of the CPTSD this week has created quite a bit of revelations.

I think I got used to the emotional flashbacks as something that's ok to live with and Ig in a way the long term goal was so they got lighter or I learned more ways to deal? I dunno anymore tbh.


An emotional flashback ranges from person to person but mine are essentially what I've felt when being abused and shamed & such. So immense amounts of shame, guilt, self disgust, feeling worthless, unworthy, not enough, unimportant but in a very big way. (There's more but I'm sleepy so jus making the base of my post)


I always thought it was my cross to bare(?) So to speak so wasn't entirely overly bothered by the symptoms at times but being integrated & active in society is like what makes it "better" but also makes it worse tbh. Its a double edged sword. Like one needs community to heal but often the barrier in being able to create that is the CPTSD.

Not to mention I haven't watched anime in likeeee 1 yr or longer. It's become harder to enjoy things that are fun/leisurely. I'm not even sure when that happened but the way I've been laughing the last 2 days has not happened in months/earlier winter at least and even longer possibly. The laughing yesterday started out very subtle like it was caught in my body. Today its been full on belly laughs. It's been SOOO LONG.

Im writing all this bc I'm just realizing how severe its been really getting in the way of things in life.


Quote on Quote doin the "good things" for mental health and shit only got worse. I'm not even sure why like there is many components to my health and such. So im sure a lot impacting the CPTSD but... I'm not sure I want to live with this forever. I'm not sure I can. I mean ig I could at risk of being fucking miserable while doing things I find enjoyable or completely cutting myself off from the world..


There's some middle ground there but unfortunately I'm one of those people where a lot of CPTSD advice or coping skills don't really work much? Reading reddit I was both sad & relieved that I wasn't the only one with the experience. Its rough. Bc u do all the things and it doesn't get better.


Soo yeahhh rn... I'm not entirely too sure where I'm standing with all this but I think I do. I don't per say wanna die but I can realistically see my options and I'm not sure im up for the living ones. This time around the suicide plan wouldn't per say be done in stress or anything more just observation and making a decision if that makes sense.


All this to to say I used to think I was weak or stupid for wanting to die bc CPTSD is fucking horrible to live with but I'm not stupid or weak. It is very real pain that in so many ways is overwhelming. It's not something where one like is just easily able to get over. Takes a long time & a lot of work. Not sure I'm up for it all.


Anyone with CPTSD or any other condition that is awful to live with have similar thoughts or opposing thoughts or anything to say/add. Comment below

 

[Aisley]

Nothing ever completely heals. A scar isn't tougher skin, it's more fragile than the undamaged stuff.

A thought takes a path in the brain, and leaves its tracks. Tomorrow, or whenever you think that thought again, it widens the track, until your brain has a well worn groove. This is a deadly trap for those times of the day, month, year, whatever, when we spiral. All the thought-tracks are there, and we already know the thoughts we'll use tonight to cut at ourselves with.

Knowing this, years ago, I trained my brain to avoid shit. There are songs that start playing, like alarms, to blare out thoughts, and things like that. I can't pull them all up now for you, because they're so in place that I'd have to think the thoughts to get them for you... If you follow. If you don't, that's fine. I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer. There are times when this doesn't work, of course, and it took a long time. It took wearing down new paths, trampling panic paths to loud songs I know by every note and chord and word and strike of the drums. And again, there are times when it just doesn't work, and everything falls apart. We never fully heal, I think.

 

[donttrip_taterchip]

I really relate to this. Since my last attempt in 2021 I've felt like such a complete failure that I gave up on everything. I'm still unemployed. I have literally not left my house in 3 weeks. Nothing brings me pleasure. I feel like I've put in the work. If something Was ever going to change for me it would have already. But ya, like what's the point of being absolutely miserable just existing? I'm sorry

 

[lament.]

I honestly feel the same, it's not my main reason for wanting to CTB but it definitely plays a big part in it. I constantly, randomly see a face, or scene in my head of the two most traumatic moments in my life which are filled with the most regret, shame and disgust. I feel like I'm going to throw up each time it happens (as in physically gagging), followed by feelings of regret, anger and sadness. I wish I knew what caused it cause it's something I don't want to have to deal with in my life and I know in my head I obviously can't change the past. Honestly relieved to hear other people have similar experiences with emotional flashbacks (as fucked up as that sounds). Thank you for posting.

 

[FindingHome]

Trauma is one of the reasons I want to CTB. Living with trauma is HELL. There is no end in sight for me. I wish you healing!

 

[rougarou]

Trauma is definitely a huge motivation for me. I have DID and BPD (both extensions of CPTSD) and I just can't live normally. Constantly failing at living because life is not accommodating, constantly losing people I love because I'm hypervigilant and neurotic about everything.

The memories themselves, I can live with. The fact that they happened, I can live with. But no medication or therapy can make me normal... and so living in and of itself has become traumatic.