Venting constantly miserable but don't have a method

[orangeKat]

hey, I'm new here, and I just want to vent a bit. I hope this is okay to post.

my life is amazing and easy, and yet I constantly feel miserable. I've been dealing with severe depression for the last seven years, and I don't see it going away or getting any better. no matter what is done to treat it, it always comes back. I'm always going to be miserable. and I also just hate everything about myself. I'm fat, ugly, lazy, rude, selfish, inconsiderate, impatient, quick to anger, etc. I'm also a trans woman, so knowing I'll never pass as a woman doesn't really help either. and I'm never going to move out of my parents' house or achieve my dream of becoming a programmer.

I'm miserable, I hate everything about myself, and my life is going nowhere because I'm too lazy to improve myself or to make anything of myself. I just want to die so the misery can stop, but I don't have a gun. if anyone has any suggestions for other methods, please let me know. I just want to be gone and forgotten about, more than anything.

 

[jellymomo]

i'm so sorry you're going through this :( have you tried looking in the resource compilation? https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/suicide-resource-compilation.3/

 

[Geist]

I'm new here myself, so I'm not quite familiar with the forum rules yet. However, I believe it is against the rules to provide methods to others. Sorry.

I can kind of relate to your life, minus the trans part. I've had depression for um... 15 years now. It has gotten to the point where I just accepted that this is just my "normal" state. I can't, and never have worked a job (unfit for work), and I was also living with my mother until she passed away recently, and I was thrown to the wolves. Otherwise I would still be living with her. There is absolutely no shame in living with your parents, especially if your parents are supportive of you. I'm thankful I got to spend every day with my mom. She was also the reason I never went through with it, I just couldn't do that to her. But since she's gone now, I could do it with a clean conscience.

I also have hard time taking care of myself. I've been underweight my whole life (never got over 70kg, currently at 61kg) because eating feels like such a chore to me, I hate it. I look like a skeleton (not quite on anorexia level). I exercise for like 30min every few days on a stationary bike, but only because I'm scared of randomly getting a stroke or heart attack. Needless to say, I hate exercising, it always makes me really angry. It does usually make me feel a little bit better afterwards tho. I don't want to tell you what to do, or maybe you've even tried it already, but you could just try doing a little bit of exercise every few days, even if it's just for 10mins. 10mins is still better than nothing. You might get something out of it.

I'm fat, ugly, lazy, rude, selfish, inconsiderate, impatient, quick to anger, etc.

Sounds like you just hate dealing with people. Welcome to the misanthropist club. I mostly feel the same way, but I've become really good at acting like I care around other people. If I'm alone tho, anger is something I can rarely control. I often punch walls and shit.

The one thing I like about myself tho, is that I couldn't give less of a fuck what other people think of me, since I don't give slightest crap about anyone else either... I hate humanity as a whole. For example, I've worn jeans only once in the past 10 or so years, and that was at my mothers funeral. I always wear sweatpants otherwise. I don't need to impress anyone, and neither do you. If someone doesn't accept you for who you are, fuck them.

I can't relate, nor do I know anyone who is trans, so I'm just not going to touch this topic at all.

Sorry for this long post. I hope it doesn't come off as annoying or anything. I apologize if it does.

 

[orangeKat]

I'm not a misanthropist. I don't hate people. I'm just terrible at talking to people and being social and being a good person. but I wish I were better at being kind and sociable and patient and understanding and being a good friend. I'd like to be able to be a good person and treat other people well.

 

[ChampagneSupernova]

Sorry to hear you're going through a rough time. You said your dream is to become a programmer? I've been doing software engineering professionally for 11 years and around 20 as a hobby. It's a lot easier to get into than people think. Especially now with all the resources available online to learn.

Maybe take a crack at it to see if it helps? Obviously your life, your choice, but if you haven't tried because it sounds daunting, it really isn't. Hope you find peace and happiness in whichever route you take. Take care!

 

[FuneralCry]

It's really understandable just wishing to be free, to be permanently forgotten about is also what I wish for. It's just so dreadful to me how we cannot just easily leave this existence in peace and instead we are just expected to suffer so unnecessarily for the sake of it. But anyway I hope that you eventually find what you search for.