catastrophix
and my nightmares will have nightmares every night
- Feb 20, 2023
- 94
For context, I started self harming as a toddler, but I didn't start cutting until I was eleven. My therapist basically told me that if I cut myself at all, she would have me get an evaluation done at a psych ward. So I've been clean of cutting for a couple years.
Today is the first time in a long time where I'm really considering relapse. No one knows that I have stuff hidden that I could use to relapse, but I also know that I'll just be more miserable once the inital euphoria rush dies down. And obviously, I don't want to go back to the psych ward.
I can't stop crying and hating myself for it. I am an absolutely pathetic waste of space. The reason why I don't have friends is probably because I'm just so horrible, like a leech to everyone who tries to spare me kindness. I don't deserve any of it. As much as I hate myself, I also can't stop crying because of how alone I am. A few people have offered to talk to me on here, but I get so anxious thinking about having a conversation that I literally feel like I could puke. I am inferior to everyone— My spine is a fucking doormat.
I am so so tired of feeling alone and unworthy. I keep trying to fix the loneliness but it just ends in me getting even deeper into my own self hatred because I ruin everything. My anxiety ruins so much for me. I have "emergency meds" to take when I'm having a panic attack, but I honestly don't think I even deserve that. I deserve to suffer.
I'm sorry that this is so self loathing, I was having a good couple of days but I'm now head deep in severe depression and anxiety again. I wish I could have access to CTB materials so I wouldn't have to waste anyone's time, but thanks to those for reading nonetheless.
Today is the first time in a long time where I'm really considering relapse. No one knows that I have stuff hidden that I could use to relapse, but I also know that I'll just be more miserable once the inital euphoria rush dies down. And obviously, I don't want to go back to the psych ward.
I can't stop crying and hating myself for it. I am an absolutely pathetic waste of space. The reason why I don't have friends is probably because I'm just so horrible, like a leech to everyone who tries to spare me kindness. I don't deserve any of it. As much as I hate myself, I also can't stop crying because of how alone I am. A few people have offered to talk to me on here, but I get so anxious thinking about having a conversation that I literally feel like I could puke. I am inferior to everyone— My spine is a fucking doormat.
I am so so tired of feeling alone and unworthy. I keep trying to fix the loneliness but it just ends in me getting even deeper into my own self hatred because I ruin everything. My anxiety ruins so much for me. I have "emergency meds" to take when I'm having a panic attack, but I honestly don't think I even deserve that. I deserve to suffer.
I'm sorry that this is so self loathing, I was having a good couple of days but I'm now head deep in severe depression and anxiety again. I wish I could have access to CTB materials so I wouldn't have to waste anyone's time, but thanks to those for reading nonetheless.
