Chr0nicAnhedonic
Out of the light of the sun
- Oct 1, 2023
- 130
My original plan was to CTB after I had seen the new Madoka Magica movie, but that got delayed to next year as opposed to this year. It was the last thing I wanted to live for, because everything else in my life is falling apart and nothing after that movie compels me to live.
It's pathetic, isn't it? Tying your will to live to some piece of media, as opposed to your friends or loved ones or something more real. But those connections (such as they are) aren't enough to keep me going anymore. I'm increasingly distanced and isolated from everyone, by circumstance and honestly by choice. Everyone has their own lives that I don't fit into. My family only wants me around for status and not for me. The only "friends" I have are online, but they're more like friendly acquaintances than actual friends, despite knowing them for years. I can't necessarily blame them though, I'm not really a sociable or likeable person at all. Every attempted connection with me has always fizzled out somehow, and for as much as I want to be angry with them for not reaching out to me, I can't expect that of them. Not when I wouldn't do the same in return.
My birthday is in a few months, I'm considering doing it then. I don't know if I can do another year of this. I definitely don't want to live long enough to see 30. On the outside, I have a good enough life. A place to live, a stable job (that's becoming more demanding, but still stable), family who at least proports to care about and love me. But inside, I'm a fucking hurricane. Nobody can or should get close to me, because my mental and emotional instability will surely hurt them. Nobody can love me the way I want/need them to, and why should they? I'm incapable of loving myself, how could anyone else do so?
I apologize for the long and possibly incoherent post, I don't really have any other way to talk about this stuff. Thank you for reading if you made it this far.
It's pathetic, isn't it? Tying your will to live to some piece of media, as opposed to your friends or loved ones or something more real. But those connections (such as they are) aren't enough to keep me going anymore. I'm increasingly distanced and isolated from everyone, by circumstance and honestly by choice. Everyone has their own lives that I don't fit into. My family only wants me around for status and not for me. The only "friends" I have are online, but they're more like friendly acquaintances than actual friends, despite knowing them for years. I can't necessarily blame them though, I'm not really a sociable or likeable person at all. Every attempted connection with me has always fizzled out somehow, and for as much as I want to be angry with them for not reaching out to me, I can't expect that of them. Not when I wouldn't do the same in return.
My birthday is in a few months, I'm considering doing it then. I don't know if I can do another year of this. I definitely don't want to live long enough to see 30. On the outside, I have a good enough life. A place to live, a stable job (that's becoming more demanding, but still stable), family who at least proports to care about and love me. But inside, I'm a fucking hurricane. Nobody can or should get close to me, because my mental and emotional instability will surely hurt them. Nobody can love me the way I want/need them to, and why should they? I'm incapable of loving myself, how could anyone else do so?
I apologize for the long and possibly incoherent post, I don't really have any other way to talk about this stuff. Thank you for reading if you made it this far.
