It's been a little over four years since my last attempt. Life has been very kind to me up until about February 2026 but then it went downhill fast. And boy did it go down.
But I'm not here to complain. Complaining won't change my situation. From what I remember of that last attempt I kinda liked how I could feel my body shutting down little by little while fully conscious. I would need to obtain some new plants but luckily they're relatively cheap and easy to come by where I live (and almost entirely unregulated).
I have tried other methods before as well but none gave me that sensation of achievement that Aconitine gave me. It's like buying stocks and watching them go up: Every penny makes you happy. Had I not been found by a random dude walking his doggo at bloody four in the morning I'd have died back in 2022. But no, I lived - probably for the sole purpose of attempting it again. Normally I don't believe in second chances, never did, but Aconitine is one of the few exceptions I ever made throughout my lifetime. The method is set, no doubt about that.
It's not a matter of whether but one of when. Right now I'm just checking boxes on my bucket list and barely holding on trying to give my life purpose so that at least I go out with a bag full of memories. It's not that I desperately want to die right now, it's just that I stopped making plans and having goals other than those things on my bucket list. I don't know how to describe this mindset other than calling it a party on the way out.
Something inside me wanted to share this because I know that if I told anyone besides you guys I'd be in the ward tomorrow morning.
But I'm not here to complain. Complaining won't change my situation. From what I remember of that last attempt I kinda liked how I could feel my body shutting down little by little while fully conscious. I would need to obtain some new plants but luckily they're relatively cheap and easy to come by where I live (and almost entirely unregulated).
I have tried other methods before as well but none gave me that sensation of achievement that Aconitine gave me. It's like buying stocks and watching them go up: Every penny makes you happy. Had I not been found by a random dude walking his doggo at bloody four in the morning I'd have died back in 2022. But no, I lived - probably for the sole purpose of attempting it again. Normally I don't believe in second chances, never did, but Aconitine is one of the few exceptions I ever made throughout my lifetime. The method is set, no doubt about that.
It's not a matter of whether but one of when. Right now I'm just checking boxes on my bucket list and barely holding on trying to give my life purpose so that at least I go out with a bag full of memories. It's not that I desperately want to die right now, it's just that I stopped making plans and having goals other than those things on my bucket list. I don't know how to describe this mindset other than calling it a party on the way out.
Something inside me wanted to share this because I know that if I told anyone besides you guys I'd be in the ward tomorrow morning.
