Venting Considering giving Aconitine a second chance

[Selbstentleibung]

It's been a little over four years since my last attempt. Life has been very kind to me up until about February 2026 but then it went downhill fast. And boy did it go down.

But I'm not here to complain. Complaining won't change my situation. From what I remember of that last attempt I kinda liked how I could feel my body shutting down little by little while fully conscious. I would need to obtain some new plants but luckily they're relatively cheap and easy to come by where I live (and almost entirely unregulated).

I have tried other methods before as well but none gave me that sensation of achievement that Aconitine gave me. It's like buying stocks and watching them go up: Every penny makes you happy. Had I not been found by a random dude walking his doggo at bloody four in the morning I'd have died back in 2022. But no, I lived - probably for the sole purpose of attempting it again. Normally I don't believe in second chances, never did, but Aconitine is one of the few exceptions I ever made throughout my lifetime. The method is set, no doubt about that.


It's not a matter of whether but one of when. Right now I'm just checking boxes on my bucket list and barely holding on trying to give my life purpose so that at least I go out with a bag full of memories. It's not that I desperately want to die right now, it's just that I stopped making plans and having goals other than those things on my bucket list. I don't know how to describe this mindset other than calling it a party on the way out.


Something inside me wanted to share this because I know that if I told anyone besides you guys I'd be in the ward tomorrow morning.

 

[faustino]

Thanks for sharing.

 

[Selbstentleibung]

Still checking boxes on my bucket list. Almost did all the stuff I've always wanted to do and I am taking good care of my lovely plants which I obtained a few weeks ago.

The situation has evolved and because I broke up with my gf last week after our relationship had been in shambles for quite a while I don't really have much that's holding me back. Considering ditching the bucket list and telling that one person I have in my life about wanting to ctb. This person and I have agreed years ago that if we ever do it we do it together (this person also has a history of attempts and ward stays, so yeah).

Has me remembering the feeling of how my body shut down little by little last time a lot recently. Somehow it makes me happy to imagine myself being dead. No one will miss me, seriously. I cut ties with my family so long ago that I don't even remember when that was. I have no kids of my own, no relationship anymore, exactly one friend and this one friend will come with me when it all ends. So yeah. Looks like the pieces are slowly coming together.

This time I'll be smarter though. Phones will stay at home, we'll go for one last road trip to the middle of nowhere, far away from civilization to avoid being found. There will be some of my favorite liquor and maybe some razor blades for one last time of feeling alive. Just us two friends, the most potent plant poison on this continent and the stars in the night sky above.

I feel like after so many years of a messed up life I deserve to die. Not in a negative way, more like as a reward for having made it this far barefoot through hell and back. So yeah, looks like there will be a quiet goodbye message in the not so distant future.