Archness
Defective Personel
- Jan 20, 2023
- 506
There's obviously so much to consider with suicide. Methods, preps, goodbyes, etc etc.
However, I'm of a particular type where the method itself isn't the problem. I'm in US, able to legally buy a shotgun (or any other firearm) and not too poor to afford it (especially just for this purpose). I'm also in a location with plenty of trans that would easily kill me if I bash my head at it. I wouldn't mind the mess too much, and considering death is essentially instant, it wouldn't be painful, my brain splattered all over before it could process the experience of pain or death.
There isn't too much I need to set in place for after my death, since I'm so separate from the world. I used to want to create some kind of masterpiece, or "swan song". That's largely impossible considering how I am, especially these days.
Yeah, with my life, not even in my 30's, it's over, already a dead end where I'll wait till death. I either luck out and get fixed by external factors, or fix myself. I'm not good enough to "pull myself from my bootstraps", and I do live in the real world. Every day, every week, every month, it sets in how OVER it is.
But there is a thing that requires all my consideration, all this time. It's thinking everything through to chose, to walk the short distance to the other side. Once I'm there I could never return, and such a decision requires the deepest thoughts. But ultimately, I have little reasons to live, and little reasons to die. I'm debating in my head between the two, but I inch closer and closer to death.
I learn how life is just a decline from here-on-out, at best I'd go work to survive so I can basically waste my life away distracting from everything slowly devouring me. I can't live how I am now, Life will change. It WILL get worse until I die.
My life would eventually lead to a drawn-out death of despair, self-neglect, or suicide. My birth, the pain, the waste... It should've never been. Very unlikely things can happen, there is hope. But it only goes so far, life is as chaotic as much as it's predictable, you either can't really know or it's outright certainty, that's just life.
I can only wait and be open. Perhaps I could stay, find something, but at some point it's just over. At that point I'd already be dead, and the part still living would want a grave, in this limbo that's become my life. I really know there's no hope, but there's a part of me that still holds on. I must still address it before ctb.
It's so difficult, it's a bit of a fib that pulling yourself from all these distractions can only, and will improve/save your life. More and more the distractions aren't enough, I'm distracting myself, from myself, less and less. I realize how I'm not worthy of life, I'm such garbage... Only hope supports the idea that things will, or even can get better, but the facts show that the world, society, life, myself, everything will decline and fall until it's dust.
I'm not waiting to die now, I'm waiting until it's too unbearable and I ctb.
IT'S OVER.
However, I'm of a particular type where the method itself isn't the problem. I'm in US, able to legally buy a shotgun (or any other firearm) and not too poor to afford it (especially just for this purpose). I'm also in a location with plenty of trans that would easily kill me if I bash my head at it. I wouldn't mind the mess too much, and considering death is essentially instant, it wouldn't be painful, my brain splattered all over before it could process the experience of pain or death.
There isn't too much I need to set in place for after my death, since I'm so separate from the world. I used to want to create some kind of masterpiece, or "swan song". That's largely impossible considering how I am, especially these days.
Yeah, with my life, not even in my 30's, it's over, already a dead end where I'll wait till death. I either luck out and get fixed by external factors, or fix myself. I'm not good enough to "pull myself from my bootstraps", and I do live in the real world. Every day, every week, every month, it sets in how OVER it is.
But there is a thing that requires all my consideration, all this time. It's thinking everything through to chose, to walk the short distance to the other side. Once I'm there I could never return, and such a decision requires the deepest thoughts. But ultimately, I have little reasons to live, and little reasons to die. I'm debating in my head between the two, but I inch closer and closer to death.
I learn how life is just a decline from here-on-out, at best I'd go work to survive so I can basically waste my life away distracting from everything slowly devouring me. I can't live how I am now, Life will change. It WILL get worse until I die.
My life would eventually lead to a drawn-out death of despair, self-neglect, or suicide. My birth, the pain, the waste... It should've never been. Very unlikely things can happen, there is hope. But it only goes so far, life is as chaotic as much as it's predictable, you either can't really know or it's outright certainty, that's just life.
I can only wait and be open. Perhaps I could stay, find something, but at some point it's just over. At that point I'd already be dead, and the part still living would want a grave, in this limbo that's become my life. I really know there's no hope, but there's a part of me that still holds on. I must still address it before ctb.
It's so difficult, it's a bit of a fib that pulling yourself from all these distractions can only, and will improve/save your life. More and more the distractions aren't enough, I'm distracting myself, from myself, less and less. I realize how I'm not worthy of life, I'm such garbage... Only hope supports the idea that things will, or even can get better, but the facts show that the world, society, life, myself, everything will decline and fall until it's dust.
I'm not waiting to die now, I'm waiting until it's too unbearable and I ctb.
IT'S OVER.
