Confused

[kunikuzushi]

Last night my partner physically hurt me. He "hugged" me so tight multiple times and kept saying "it's ok it's ok." But it was stopping me from breathing for moments and crushing my ribs and neck. I kept screaming "please stop it hurts im begging please stop" whenever he would let go a bit, but he wouldn't stop. I couldn't push him off.

Mostly I just wanted to get this off my chest because this just adds more confusion to a life that I don't even want. I know I deserved it because I'm not a good person and I was screaming at him to help me before that, when all he does is help me. He's tired of dealing with me. But also it felt like I was going to die when I couldn't breathe, and it felt nice.

Thank you for reading. I just needed to tell someone.

 

[Mio_Kamimachi]

you screaming at him earlier does not give him the right to physically overpower you and pretend it is a hug. you did not deserve to be hurt like that and what he did is assault. you are not crazy for feeling confused and hurt by all of this

 

[kunikuzushi]

you screaming at him earlier does not give him the right to physically overpower you and pretend it is a hug. you did not deserve to be hurt like that and what he did is assault. you are not crazy for feeling confused and hurt by all of this

thank you. I'm not sure if I deserved it or not. but thank you so much for the comfort

 

[Forveleth]

This is a massive red flag for an abusive relationship. Run away from him NOW.

NO ONE EVER deserves physical abuse, especially from a partner. EVER.

 

[kunikuzushi]

This is a massive red flag for an abusive relationship. Run away from him NOW.

NO ONE EVER deserves physical abuse, especially from a partner. EVER.

I've done worse to him emotionally. I truly think I deserve it. It was scary and painful, but nothing compared to what I've done to him. I'm in therapy, group therapy, and in the process of testing to get more diagnoses. I'm trying my best to improve. but the damage to him has already been done. I'm the one who's abusive. he only did this because he was emotionally pushed into a corner. I really can't blame him, and I don't want to leave him because we're both constantly communicating how we'll keep trying to improve for each other and our relationship.

thank you for your advice. honestly, I'm really confused if I should leave and if I deserve safety. but I truly think I'm a terrible person at the core.

 

[webb&flow]

this is real. this is traumatic. you were hurt. i'm so sorry.

 

[volo]

You seem to have formed a codependent relationship with him and that may not be easy to detangle from.

 

[kunikuzushi]

You seem to have formed a codependent relationship with him and that may not be easy to detangle from.

all my relationships are like this. i tried everything not to have it end up like this, but it did. a reason I want to ctb soon because i'm either painfully lonely or causing harm to others and myself in a relationship.