Confused

[complex]

I had set today as a date i would ctb but as mum not well and my GP still remaining there for me i decided to fight this date. Now wish hadn't as now the sleepers and gym endorphins are wearing off i regret not proceeding. I had fasted and prep work was all done but I took more sleepers after gym instead and went to sleep
Confused as why such things stopped me. I love my mum but she may be unwell but my passing will make her ill anywhen i do it so did it matter she was ill today?!? My GP is amazing but she is just my GP so...... Why did that even factor in?!?!?!
I am nothing but a hoper for help thats the issue!! I am gonna have to sort this squiffy shizz out as I can't live with this agony but small factors seem to have stopped me from my eternal peace i want and have prepared for!!!!

 

[Sutter]

Threads.

Smoked a pipe when I was young, 16 or so. As my days dwindled I picked it up again. Something for myself, been awhile so figured why not.

Rolled the pipe in my hand, at the first quiet moment that came by. Stared at the piece of briar, was slightly sure it stared back. I smoke with small pebbles in the bottom, keeps the smoke cool and dropped tobacco in. The puffing began, pleasant enough at first, then it went sideways from there…Gurgling, finish coming off in my hand, Sun god in my pipe starting its own fire, in short complete mess. Definitely doubted my self care decision.

Heard it said at times that I was stubborn, earned that label. Kept putzing away with the pipe. By this time dam thing was cursing me and running off whenever I fancied another torture session. Ended up being a monumental moment when finally a decent smoke emerged again. Don't get me wrong the cursed pipe and I still exchange unpleasantries but the joining now stands. I didn't really win so to speak more accepted the cursed pipe for its own begrudging ways.

Just a thought if your after something like CTB, may have to let threads wear as they do. Not always but sometimes there is a love and a stubbornness behind the cursing and that flower blooms when it's ready.

May the schizz squiggly squish go well and threads wear as complex cursing puts your mind at ease.