confused

[evolutionerror]

I spent the whole weekend trying to convince myself to take my SN. I want to let go and I feel like this is the right answer, so why did I spend all weekend even up to a few hours before work this morning completely frozen and unable to do it? I sat in bed for hours just staring at the wall, thinking about it until I didn't really have enough time. All I needed to do was go mix my SN in 50ml of water, and drink it.

Then once it was about an hour from work I told myself, well ok there isn't the proper amount of time now so just do it tonight. I feel like I'm walking a tightrope between life and death and I'll just keep doing this where I get home tonight and make excuses for why I shouldn't. Fuck.

 

[makethepainstop]

This might not be the correct time, patience my friend. Patience brings rewards in time.

 

[evolutionerror]

I'm just angry with myself for not being able to go through with it

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you would feel so frustrated, but after all ctb is not easy as we have to overcome the SI. At least you have the option of SN for when the time is right for you to leave. I wish you relief from suffering.

 

[evolutionerror]

yep, super frustrating.. glad to have SN available at least like you said. Just trying at this point to build up the courage to actually use it.

the biggest weaknesses for the SN method is the fasting in my view. The urge to have the "final meal" or drink to build up courage is just not practical with SN. Sober and w/ an empty stomach is such a lame way to go.