Conflicted

[goodoldnoname923]

The thing is I'm desperate to go but I can't go through another half assed and hearted attempt It needs to be for real this time

The thing is I'm an extremely emotional person and i know if my emotions are in the right place i'm ready to go but as i'm so out of touch with my emotions currently i can definitely feeling them bubbling up but idk if its at a thresh hold that i'm ready to go

Think of it as a window of opportunity if my emotions reach a certain height of intensity for a period of time it makes it possible for me to attempt and succeed the question is has it suspassed the necessary threshold

Like rn i could be ok and ready and with the right support and correct preparations i could succeed but if my emotions arnt in the right place it wont work its why i'm wanting an explosion so i can be dead sure i'm ready and those emotions will be enough to drive away any fear or hesitation but those explosions are rare and i could be waitint days weeks or even more terrfiiyingly months before i can go

I can't go people say you need to be 100% when in reality for me i don't think it's ever possible to be 100% sure but their maybe times where i can succeed as long as i'm above a certain % like 75+ for example that's enough to get the deed done as long as i have support around me…and perhaps that is morally dubious but lets face the facts of my reality you know? And i don't want to force myself but at the same time if there is an opportunity were the cards fall in place and my emotions are in the correct plade i feel thats a time to try…but when my emotions explode that is definitely an opportunity

Which is why i feel i need a trigger of sorts but thats far from easy to come by

The reason i want and need an emotional explosion is i wont even think or hesitate i'll just do it…but then again my emotions could be in the right place without me even realising them given I'm emotionally out of touch and numb most of the time so it's difficult

To me failure would merely be the rope not being tight enough or something and me waking up…there is no chance of outside recovery…so if i go that should be it but I'm still afraid of something else going wrong like when the blood gets cut off from my head and my face starts to swell up is that a bad thing should i let it happen before i kept pulling my head up to losen the noose but maybe looking back I shouldn't sucked it up dealt with it and let my face slowly collapse as scary as it was…idk

I feel like My emotions are bubbling up…and going out of control their running high but is it high enough I can't tell as i'm quite numbed out but i can definitely tell they are there
I feel my body getting tireder
I have the meds ready…it could be an opportunity but am i ready?

I know only i can make that call but part of me feels i really am but how can i be sure

 

[сет паслен]

I've got my plan and know exactly how I wanna CTB, I'm just waiting for my dogs to pass. Unfortunately that'll be a few years, but will also be my trigger, their deaths, one in particular losing her will be it. But I know I cant leave even one behind, so ill have to wait for sure.. joining them in the "afterlife" will be the happiest moment! :)