Venting Conflicted on whether I should try to continue recovering

[catastrophix]

Forgive me if this all seems stupid/impulsive, I'm definitely not myself right now. But basically, I had a huge slip up last night with my recovery and now I'm questioning if I even want to continue trying. I feel awful saying that, because I don't want the few people in my life to be upset. I have an immense amount of guilt and shame with everything.

I'm conflicted because I've been suffering for so long, but there are still things that I find joy in from time to time. It's just that when I get in my depressive episodes, I completely forget what that joy feels like. And I'm deep in a depression episode right now.

I wish I had more people in my life that I could talk to. Though the few people around me care about me, it's hard to discuss true feelings because I don't want to be a burden or be psych warded again. I only have one friend and I really need more support if I'm gonna keep trying. I don't know what to do.

 

[Linda]

When you are in a deep depression, you are not usually in the best state to make important decisions. I suggest you wait until the present episode has passed, before you make any important decisions. In other words, keep trying for at least a bit longer. (It would be different if your depression was permanent, and you knew it was permanent, but from your post that doesn't seem to be the case.)

 

[timf]

If your depression is something like bipolar 2, there used to be a guy named Pete from the uk on Youtube who had some videos talking about the success he had using lithium Orotate (not the prescription Lithium version). You might want to check those out.

I used to recommend to homeless people when the shelters were full to go to the public hospital (the one that handled stabbings and gun shots) emergency room and tell them they had a sore throat. This would get them a warm place to stay for the night. Similarly if you need some human connection, you might try calling a small church to talk to the pastor. A large church might just funnel you into some class or program, but at a small church someone might have the time for you to talk to as a person. You should not have to say you believe in God, but just have questions to ask. You might find someone who would take an interest in you as a person. If not, you could move on to another small church

It can be easier to talk with a stranger than with someone you know about things that might upset them.

 

[UnnamedGuy]

It's very easy to focus on nothing but the negative when you're not having a good day. It's perfectly normal to have a bad day but since you could experience joy previously, perhaps this will change over time and you'll be on a high again. It's just a question of time, pretty much what @Linda is saying. Be kind to yourself and give yourself some time. Is there something in life that you can do that will give you joy?

As for needing more people in your life to talk to, although I'm a stranger to you, my inbox is always open, to anybody. If you do fancy a chat, pop me a message and know that if you decided to inbox me, I would never see this as a burden. I may not reply straight away due to work commitments (yep, that sucks), I will always reply.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

I really feel this. I'm on the fence about bothering. I have some good days and days like today when there is no point. I also wish I had one person on the planet I could speak with and feel less judgment.

One of my hobbies is very artistic, but another one is slowly deleting the social media apps using the 'I'm just doing digital hygiene'. In actual fact I love unfriending and blocking the people who have shown they're no different. Since everyone treats everyone who is neurodivergent or dealing with SI as disposable, let me the first to now walk away and fade from people's lives and either find one good person, or concentrate on my art as I focus on wrapping things up when I decide to CTB. They're not my people. They are distractions and not to be trusted.

 

[catastrophix]

When you are in a deep depression, you are not usually in the best state to make important decisions. I suggest you wait until the present episode has passed, before you make any important decisions. In other words, keep trying for at least a bit longer. (It would be different if your depression was permanent, and you knew it was permanent, but from your post that doesn't seem to be the case.)

Thank you for pointing that out— I often get very neurotic and irrational when I get severely depressed and it's good to be reminded to step back and wait til I'm more grounded to make big decisions.

If your depression is something like bipolar 2, there used to be a guy named Pete from the uk on Youtube who had some videos talking about the success he had using lithium Orotate (not the prescription Lithium version). You might want to check those out.

I used to recommend to homeless people when the shelters were full to go to the public hospital (the one that handled stabbings and gun shots) emergency room and tell them they had a sore throat. This would get them a warm place to stay for the night. Similarly if you need some human connection, you might try calling a small church to talk to the pastor. A large church might just funnel you into some class or program, but at a small church someone might have the time for you to talk to as a person. You should not have to say you believe in God, but just have questions to ask. You might find someone who would take an interest in you as a person. If not, you could move on to another small church

It can be easier to talk with a stranger than with someone you know about things that might upset them.

I'm diagnosed with Bipolar 1, and I'm on prescription Lithium already, but I'll definitely look into Lithium Orotate. And I'll have to consider the church thing too. Thank you for the suggestions :]

It's very easy to focus on nothing but the negative when you're not having a good day. It's perfectly normal to have a bad day but since you could experience joy previously, perhaps this will change over time and you'll be on a high again. It's just a question of time, pretty much what @Linda is saying. Be kind to yourself and give yourself some time. Is there something in life that you can do that will give you joy?

As for needing more people in your life to talk to, although I'm a stranger to you, my inbox is always open, to anybody. If you do fancy a chat, pop me a message and know that if you decided to inbox me, I would never see this as a burden. I may not reply straight away due to work commitments (yep, that sucks), I will always reply.

There's definitely stuff I can do to try and spark some joy back in my life, I just have to have the energy to do them (I get very fatigued during depression episodes). I guess I should try
to start out small in that case. Also, thank you for the offer to talk, I really appreciate it :] And don't worry, if I message you I may not reply right away either cause of my crippling social anxiety

I really feel this. I'm on the fence about bothering. I have some good days and days like today when there is no point. I also wish I had one person on the planet I could speak with and feel less judgment.

One of my hobbies is very artistic, but another one is slowly deleting the social media apps using the 'I'm just doing digital hygiene'. In actual fact I love unfriending and blocking the people who have shown they're no different. Since everyone treats everyone who is neurodivergent or dealing with SI as disposable, let me the first to now walk away and fade from people's lives and either find one good person, or concentrate on my art as I focus on wrapping things up when I decide to CTB. They're not my people. They are distractions and not to be trusted.

I understand your pain. It's really hard for me to stay in any kind of friend/relationship because I fear they will leave due to my mental health/trust issues. It's an awful and isolating feeling. I hope you can find some relief from all of this, no matter which route you take

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

I understand your pain. It's really hard for me to stay in any kind of friend/relationship because I fear they will leave due to my mental health/trust issues. It's an awful and isolating feeling. I hope you can find some relief from all of this, no matter which route you take

I think this is the place where I'll likely feel some level of connection... but I have stopped messaging people in my life. I believe we need some level of social interaction because we're social creatures, but hope to manage my time effectively so that when and if I need interaction it only comes from 'safe strangers' - a barista, the cashier at the art supply store, the bouncer I joke with at a bar. Friendly, short interactions where I smile and can walk away. No obligations, no need to get close. Keep my guard up and if I'm lonely, go paint something. After the interaction, I go home and am free to not have anyone in my life. That way when I go, I'll be able to go. I really hope this plan works.