Venting So Conflicted!

[WanderingGypsy]

Hey everyone! I have been on here for a bit-a long time lurker and recent poster lol. I have been miserable in my life for as long as I can remember, but the last few years have been the worse ever. I've made the decision to ctb and have been making plans to do so. This is far from an impulsive decision-I've weighed all the pros and cons of continuing to live, and the cons have started to far outweigh the pros. The biggest things are that I've ran out of hope and money.
I have been able to start planning and gathering supplies to ctb, including gathering meds and thinking of the place I'd like to do. I'm the closest I've ever been to the end and now have a "successful" way to do that.
This is what I've wanted for so long, but now that I'm so close, I'm feeling more conflicted than I thought I would.
I have been doing some "last things" or trying things that are last hopes to help me feel more like living. I had a longtime friend fly out to visit me this past weekend, and was hoping that her visit would remind me how much she cares or remind me I'm loved, but it didn't. I was hoping that maybe I could talk to her about how I feel, because she's one of the few people I trust with knowing how depressed and hopeless I am, and thought I could ask her for the help I need. However, I couldn't even talk to her, and while it was great to see her, I couldn't open up the way I thought I would. At first I thought that would be a sign that I'm over it all and reassuring that it's time to ctb, but now that she's gone, I'm still conflicted.
I'm so frustrated with everything right now! I feel like I can't even make the decision what to do and too confused to even ctb. I just wish someone would notice how much I'm struggling and say "it's ok. let me help you" but I'm also so over everything and just wish I could end it. Part of me wants to call my friend up and tell her how I'm feeling but I'm embarrassed and part of me doesn't want to be stopped.
I'm at such a loss and don't know what to do! Why can't I just do this right too! Ugh! Just wanted to vent and appreciate anyone for reading this far. Wishing everyone else on here peace!

 

[FishRain3469]

I feel that, every single word. Especially with the reaching out for help and feeling embarrassed.

I wish you Nothing but the best in whatever may happen. Try and take care of yourself.

 

[SomewhatLoved]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Depression and hopelessness is hard no matter what, but I believe being alone and unable to talk about it with anyone makes it worse. Can I ask, what made you feel like you couldn't tell her?

 

[WanderingGypsy]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Depression and hopelessness is hard no matter what, but I believe being alone and unable to talk about it with anyone makes it worse. Can I ask, what made you feel like you couldn't tell her?

Thanks for these understanding words! I'm not sure what made me not feel I could talk to her. Funniest part is this is what we both do-we have both taken lots of suicide prevention courses and all that and I know she would be one of the least judgmental people if I had told her this is how I'm feeling, but I just couldn't do it. I'm both mad and sad I didn't tell her but also kind of relieved-like I still have the option to ctb. Like I said, I'm so conflicted!

 

[SomewhatLoved]

Thanks for these understanding words! I'm not sure what made me not feel I could talk to her. Funniest part is this is what we both do-we have both taken lots of suicide prevention courses and all that and I know she would be one of the least judgmental people if I had told her this is how I'm feeling, but I just couldn't do it. I'm both mad and sad I didn't tell her but also kind of relieved-like I still have the option to ctb. Like I said, I'm so conflicted!

That's completely understandable. Even for someone who is very good at communication and being vulnerable, it is still a touchy subject. There is lots of fear and hesitation surrounding it, and it's completely OK to feel scared in those moments. I find for me (being socially awkward), often it's easier to talk over the phone or text. Would you consider maybe texting her to let her know? There might be less stress that way because you don't have to look her in the eye when you say it.

 

[CravingPeace]

I guess when CTBing has become a more real possibility, telling your loved ones how you feel can feel like you're burdening them with some sort of forbidden knowledge. Once they are aware of your thoughts, and then if you do follow through with it, they will feel guilt for "not doing enough" to save you, even though there's nothing realistic they could've done. At least for me, this has played a role as to why I'm keeping quiet about it.

Sure, they could sell their homes, their cars, and give you all their possessions to make your financial situation better. But we don't want them to do that - we don't want them to suffer like we do. They may feel inclined to think the extraordinary "what ifs", whether you CTB or not. They could do extraordinary things to make us feel more hopeful, but we know it's not their responsibility to do so.

It's a double-edged sword. We want them to know how badly we hurt, but we don't want them to suffer along with us.

I get being conflicted. I am very much the same way.

 

[WanderingGypsy]

That's completely understandable. Even for someone who is very good at communication and being vulnerable, it is still a touchy subject. There is lots of fear and hesitation surrounding it, and it's completely OK to feel scared in those moments. I find for me (being socially awkward), often it's easier to talk over the phone or text. Would you consider maybe texting her to let her know? There might be less stress that way because you don't have to look her in the eye when you say it.

I agree, and have that easier too. I might text her later this week and ask to talk. This also makes it easier to put into words what I want and need to say, without screwing up what I want to tell her. Thank you for your kind words and understanding!

I guess when CTBing has become a more real possibility, telling your loved ones how you feel can feel like you're burdening them with some sort of forbidden knowledge. Once they are aware of your thoughts, and then if you do follow through with it, they will feel guilt for "not doing enough" to save you, even though there's nothing realistic they could've done. At least for me, this has played a role as to why I'm keeping quiet about it.

Sure, they could sell their homes, their cars, and give you all their possessions to make your financial situation better. But we don't want them to do that - we don't want them to suffer like we do. They may feel inclined to think the extraordinary "what ifs", whether you CTB or not. They could do extraordinary things to make us feel more hopeful, but we know it's not their responsibility to do so.

It's a double-edged sword. We want them to know how badly we hurt, but we don't want them to suffer along with us.

I get being conflicted. I am very much the same way.

That's a great way to say it…the double-edged sword…I want people to know and for the help but I'm also so tired and hopeless I just want it to end. I also think I'm scared to say anything in case I'm let down again. Like I tell someone how much I'm struggling and they're not helpful, that would be like another piece of the puzzle to end things.
It's just so tough! Best of luck to you too!!