justanotherbody
The Forgotten
- Dec 18, 2025
- 68
Mostly just journaling here, I guess. But something nice happened today. Something really good and swell and wonderful.
It's been years of trauma-fueled survival mode, far too much self-harm, an attempt to CTB, and a stay in the psych ward. I've been miserable and hating everything and wanting it all to go away. You know the drill.
And today showed me the faintest glimmer of hope I've had in a long time. And I cried, because my head was literally buzzing with endorphins. I have never felt such a dopamine high in my entire life. I genuinely cannot remember the last time I felt even a hint of happiness. And it felt like my brain had completely forgotten what it felt like, so the contrast was intense.
And then I cried because I'm afraid it's not enough. That a little speck of joy isn't sustainable.
I purchased and acquired a shotgun last week. I planned to CTB by February. This might have changed that. Or, at the very least, delayed it.
I think I want to stick around long enough to see if the hope grows and sustains. But I'm also afraid it's too late and I'm far too gone.
I made an appointment with a therapist for Monday. I don't know. Now I'm just confused on top of everything else. I don't know how to feel right now.
It's been years of trauma-fueled survival mode, far too much self-harm, an attempt to CTB, and a stay in the psych ward. I've been miserable and hating everything and wanting it all to go away. You know the drill.
And today showed me the faintest glimmer of hope I've had in a long time. And I cried, because my head was literally buzzing with endorphins. I have never felt such a dopamine high in my entire life. I genuinely cannot remember the last time I felt even a hint of happiness. And it felt like my brain had completely forgotten what it felt like, so the contrast was intense.
And then I cried because I'm afraid it's not enough. That a little speck of joy isn't sustainable.
I purchased and acquired a shotgun last week. I planned to CTB by February. This might have changed that. Or, at the very least, delayed it.
I think I want to stick around long enough to see if the hope grows and sustains. But I'm also afraid it's too late and I'm far too gone.
I made an appointment with a therapist for Monday. I don't know. Now I'm just confused on top of everything else. I don't know how to feel right now.
