RosebyAnyName
Staring at the ceiling for 6 hours
- Nov 9, 2023
- 449
I moved recently and life has improved for me. I have opportunities to do things I enjoy and be happy, but I've found after a while that I prefer not to take those opportunities when given the choice.
I spent my whole childhood being miserable and lonely, and now that's my default as an adult. If I am happy, socializing, and at peace for long enough then I slowly become anxious and left wondering how long it will last until it inevitably goes away. Happiness means I will do something wrong at some point and live through another embarrassing experience to replay in my mind over and over. Being with others means upcoming social mistakes that I have no control over no matter how hard I try.
Sadness and isolation is my comfort zone. Whenever I want to rest, I make myself depressed on purpose by reading or watching something depressing. I can't live in fear or risk if I isolate, and I don't have to worry about potentially worse misery in the future if I am miserable now.
I like hating myself and my past mistakes, it satisfies the part of my brain that cares about justice and righteousness because I deserve to be hated. I like hurting and sabotaging myself because it makes me feel in control and successful, genuinely trying something and (in my experience, inevitably) failing makes me feel worse and like a genuine failure.
I know I have the power to do something healthier like take a walk, reach out to people, or engage with my hobbies, and I used to do that, but now I just don't unless I need to feel mentally well enough to go to work and appear normal. If I had no obligations and didn't need to get out of bed, I'd rather doomscroll and cry in bed all day.
I spent my whole childhood being miserable and lonely, and now that's my default as an adult. If I am happy, socializing, and at peace for long enough then I slowly become anxious and left wondering how long it will last until it inevitably goes away. Happiness means I will do something wrong at some point and live through another embarrassing experience to replay in my mind over and over. Being with others means upcoming social mistakes that I have no control over no matter how hard I try.
Sadness and isolation is my comfort zone. Whenever I want to rest, I make myself depressed on purpose by reading or watching something depressing. I can't live in fear or risk if I isolate, and I don't have to worry about potentially worse misery in the future if I am miserable now.
I like hating myself and my past mistakes, it satisfies the part of my brain that cares about justice and righteousness because I deserve to be hated. I like hurting and sabotaging myself because it makes me feel in control and successful, genuinely trying something and (in my experience, inevitably) failing makes me feel worse and like a genuine failure.
I know I have the power to do something healthier like take a walk, reach out to people, or engage with my hobbies, and I used to do that, but now I just don't unless I need to feel mentally well enough to go to work and appear normal. If I had no obligations and didn't need to get out of bed, I'd rather doomscroll and cry in bed all day.
