I'm not trying to encourage you to end your life, that is your personal decision to make and I respect it.
Hopefully this will help to ease your mind; those who have come very close to death or who were clinically dead at one and had what is known as a near death experience have said that there is no judgement, no angry, vengeful God who has been keeping track of your wrongdoings waiting to pounce on you and condemn you to hell.
They say that there is only an indescribable unconditional love and a chance to face whatever mistakes you made in this life and find redemption.
There isn't anyone alive or dead who hasn't made mistakes or who haven't made bad choices.
I hope this not only eases your mind but also your poor conscience.
Peace and blessings my
I'm going to comment on your regrets rather than your plans. Regardless of how long you live from now, I think you need to be told that you're a good person and that I've heard your regrets at the deepest level. It seems like you've always been doing your best throughout life and your small misdemeanours were also nothing out of the ordinary. As for your parents, you've realised now how much they love you and you're also changing yourself by not living behind lies anymore.
As for myself, I have sadnesses rather than regrets. It saddens me that my health has stood in the way of my dreams. It saddens me that I could no longer be there for someone in particular because it was endangering my health (not them but the situation at large). It pains me that I feel so bitter and angry. It pains me that I'm not going to get better and that the past few years have been spent with me feeling progressively more humiliated. It pains me that I can't show the world who I am because I simply don't have the energy to.
Thank you. Your words mean a lot & your sadness feelings are similar to mine. There is just so much trauma deeply buried coming up from my past that I'd forgotten I'd down including self harming, living so many lies, masking true feelings for decades to everyone else. I still believe my mum didn't help things but I have forgiven her as can see now how devastated she is at my demise & clearly supports me doing what's best for me.
I was a weird child with development delays that clearly have majorly impacted both my mental & physical issues throughout my life.
I can't do anything now & know I need to be brave, acquire N & take it asap as no matter what death is it can't be worse than what my hellish existence has become especially in the last year.
Nothingness scares me as if like another go at life there were some good times. But going to a life panel in the afterlife & talking about my mistakes as I've read others believe happens scared me too as that's all I seem to be doing myself the last few months, recalling where I've gone wrong & getting emotional about it. I wasn't ready to die, a couple years back I was slowly recovering before discovering toxic mold has now completely destroyed my immune system doing up the flat that was supposed to be being sold as a new start for me & my partner to move somewhere nice with a garden, buy a dog, get out more in nature on my mobility scooter appreciate the simpler things in life & it's all been taken away from me lying here in burning electrical pain from head to toe struggling to breathe, eat, drink, go to toilet all bodily functions failing me yet I could live decades as my organs are working fine according to bloods from the nhs & they blame depression for everything yet medication doesn't touch me anymore.
I am now desperate to die & can only hope N can be acquired soon & will be different will end my suffering as benzos don't even give me a few hours sleep anymore,; opiods & nerve pain meds make me iller.
I hope you too find ways to get peace when you feel ready. X