Venting Completed a request for info on my childhood psych notes - bad idea

[Suicidebydeath]

I got my old records from childhood therapy, what there is. They're very depressing to read, it's just made me feel mroe stressed and tired. I can see in there that I actually told them a lot, they just never listened to me. I kinda don't want to feel stressed and tired, or people will think I'm being awkward.

Sad.. how they can't see anything was wrong back then. In the notes there's a lot of "they seem unhappy", "they cried" etc with no reaction from my family. And then just a lot of shitting on me.

I need to move on past that and find some motivation somehow. Not in a good place atm. It just saps my trust and makes it harder for talk to people again, the way they treated me in the past.

So depressing. I don't want this to make me feel any more suicidal.. I'm better than that. It's just another awful thing to get over, that's all.. It's like having an awful experience all over again, reliving it. Except in ignorance I didn't know how bad it was before, now I have the notes it's just... sad.
...

I really do have the worst luck.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

As in all things with trying to get "help" in the past, the notes just made me feel things are hopeless.

@FuneralCry

I have to try hard supressing uncommon urges to SH right now, this brought upon me.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's awful to me how many humans just create so much suffering, I certainly don't believe that they can be trusted but anyway best wishes, existence really is too cruel.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I wonder what it must be like to be them, to be able to do terrible things without thinking or restraint. I can think horrible things but then I feel bad about them, and I would never do them. How do they justify it? They must be truly narcissists.

Humans are the worst. They do create suffering. It is hard to trust. At least my family... and other people that failed me.

Thank you FC. Best wishes too, existence is indeed cruel.