Venting complaining about everything wrong in my life

[revivals]

im finally realizing im going to feel this way forever. no matter what i do awful things are just going to keep happening to me. i dont know what i can do differently to make people actually love me. i dont know what mistakes im making for my life to turn out the way it does. i thought after leaving home and going to college i would have a life i didnt hate living. i had everything i wanted but theres something inside of me that pushes other people away or makes them take advantage of me. i dont know why im so easy to abandon. i keep having to work harder than anyone else to keep myself together but everyone expects me to work harder. i dont know what else im supposed to do. even when people are nice to me i feel so sad and sick and lonely. i think if i had a different childhood where people paid attention to me and liked me and wanted to make me safe and happy then maybe i could connect with people and trust them. but instead im just this massive fuck up! i know that everyone is just waiting for me to be gone but i cant be alone the way i am anymore. maybe i really should do it.