Comparison erased me.

[Abort!]

I can't do anything anymore but revel in my misery and piss my days away doomscrolling. Nothing brings me joy anymore. Video games are dull when you've already wasted most of your life on them. Media is all just slop for the masses that I can't relate to at all. I used enjoy reading and writing somewhat, but I can't shake the feeling that my intellectual capabilities make trying pointless.

I know I'm an idiot in many regards - so it's like, why even bother? I've been so comparison-oriented from childhood onward that I can't even enjoy hobbies on my own time without my mind being ruthlessly critical. Every failure becomes proof of my idiocy. It truly is a paralyzing state to be in. I always wanted to be an artist, a musician, or a writer. But it all feels like I'm the worlds biggest joke from where I stand.

Awareness of the mechanism does nothing. Awareness of the futility of comparison does nothing. All I'm left with is awareness without any solution.

 

[Bitter Almonds]

Damn. it's like you're writing out my life right now.

It's the biggest reason I'm here. to find my way out.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I can't stand what a loser I became. It was preventable. I had talents and opportunities but my psyche was just too weird and weak. I don't even want to do today's tasks. I want to hang myself NOW. But I'll accept another day, like I always do.

 

[Unsure and Useless]

Bro summed up the Asian person experience. Don't worry, man. You're not alone in feeling this way

I compare myself to everyone in my life, even to my wildly successful cousins. At this point? I've accepted I'm a bum ass loser that needs to rope out

 

[badatparties]

I can't do anything anymore but revel in my misery and piss my days away doomscrolling. Nothing brings me joy anymore. Video games are dull when you've already wasted most of your life on them. Media is all just slop for the masses that I can't relate to at all. I used enjoy reading and writing somewhat, but I can't shake the feeling that my intellectual capabilities make trying pointless.

I know I'm an idiot in many regards - so it's like, why even bother? I've been so comparison-oriented from childhood onward that I can't even enjoy hobbies on my own time without my mind being ruthlessly critical. Every failure becomes proof of my idiocy. It truly is a paralyzing state to be in. I always wanted to be an artist, a musician, or a writer. But it all feels like I'm the worlds biggest joke from where I stand.

Awareness of the mechanism does nothing. Awareness of the futility of comparison does nothing. All I'm left with is awareness without any solution.

My questions is, why is suffering so common? Like i read posts about people saying they feel like an alien, or they're not from this world, and i roll my eyes. Yeah man, you and the other millions and millions of suicidal people too.

It's like even the suffering is common, mundane, and nothing special. It's like there's no greater reason behind why you suffer other than a cruel, indifferent, pitiless, random, chaotic universe. And then it's like, do we even have free will, or are all our actions a result of previous events? It's all pretty maddening to think about.

 

[Abort!]

My questions is, why is suffering so common? Like i read posts about people saying they feel like an alien, or they're not from this world, and i roll my eyes. Yeah man, you and the other millions and millions of suicidal people too.

It's like even the suffering is common, mundane, and nothing special. It's like there's no greater reason behind why you suffer other than a cruel, indifferent, pitiless, random, chaotic universe. And then it's like, do we even have free will, or are all our actions a result of previous events? It's all pretty maddening to think about.

Yeah... I don't have the answers. It's just the way I'm wired. The way I was raised. I can point at the exact mechanism in my brain and know exactly how illogical it is in reality, but that doesn't feel like it gives me any real power over it. I know I'm nothing special. I know I'm mediocre. That doesn't bother me so much as the isolation and therefore the self-loathing my mediocrity produces. I really do wish I could be okay all on my own. I'd rip the part of my brain that yearns in a heartbeat if I could.