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burden of senses
- Apr 17, 2026
- 34
(ended up w a ramble) cleaning my room as the title says. i don't want to leave a messy room and i want to sort my stuff out because i want my parents to sell some things at least or give them away to charity idk i have so much stuff i wont get to use even if i change my mind and live im not a child anymore and wont have the time and energy.
also it feels good to finally deep clean my room omg it feels cursed in here.
im already thinking about how im gonna write my letters. i think ill write them out in one google doc and hand write them on paper and put them in envelopes and pray postmortem they get to the right people. parents, irl friends, teachers, i think most of them will be written to my teachers? is that selfish??? i really want to thank their work and write some nice words to them since i graduated and i only have my oral exams left, still, i really want to express my gratitude towards them and their work and what i liked about them. idk how they will be delivered though, through my headmistress (she will get the longest letter because shes my Favourite Person) but i don't want half of the teachers office to be in tears
hhhhhh edit: maybe i will just send my teachers the gratitude messages in email the night before i do it, instead of paper letters bc then it seems more normal and natural. nothing hinting at my death either in those
for my online friends, ill probably use a client to schedule messages on discord and hope for the best. i just don't want to send anything while im still here because then ill wait for them to see it and that will cancel my attempt.
i think its better to have everything ready and my affairs settled. even if i don't end up doing it, i get to meditate on my death, the fact that im literally ready to go and ready to die and theres nothing holding me back. might snap me out of it for good, if only that tiny sliver of action is between me and sure death.
im also thinking, instead of hanging ill go with ligature strangulation(i think thats the name of the method, shoelace around neck). i want a quick death where my body will look peaceful. if i hang myself... well... but apparently LS looks peaceful. as traumatizing as this event will be, i want to reduce as much of the possible trauma as i can, with writing as extensively about my reasons as i can plus with a peaceful dead body.
i kinda wanted to slit my wrist open as one final fantasy, something ive always wanted to do, but i guess that won't happen anytime soon. fine. i can sacrifice that
idk my date. as soon as possible honestly. started talking with one of my classmates who ive been getting along with and now were texting almost 24/7 and she invited me to go out and drink with my best friend once she(best friend) finishes her last written exam. i want that to be a fun occasion. i want them to have that fun last memory with me if i go after that.
funny thing is, i mentioned my suicidal thoughts to both my best friend and even to that girl, to my best friend i said i already have a plan and the rope? but no one seems to take it seriously? is everyone around me just used to the fact that i tend to have suicidal thoughts? but if i say that im seriously considering it and theres a good chance i will actually go through with it, im afraid of being interrupted. i don't think either of them have it in mind to call the police on me (best friend knows where i live) and thats exactly what im scared of. dont fucking call the police on me dude. even if i get sent to the ward that wont change the fact that i want to ctb. dumb me down with medication and useless therapy, as soon as im out of there i would do it anyways.
also it feels good to finally deep clean my room omg it feels cursed in here.
im already thinking about how im gonna write my letters. i think ill write them out in one google doc and hand write them on paper and put them in envelopes and pray postmortem they get to the right people. parents, irl friends, teachers, i think most of them will be written to my teachers? is that selfish??? i really want to thank their work and write some nice words to them since i graduated and i only have my oral exams left, still, i really want to express my gratitude towards them and their work and what i liked about them. idk how they will be delivered though, through my headmistress (she will get the longest letter because shes my Favourite Person) but i don't want half of the teachers office to be in tears
hhhhhh edit: maybe i will just send my teachers the gratitude messages in email the night before i do it, instead of paper letters bc then it seems more normal and natural. nothing hinting at my death either in thosefor my online friends, ill probably use a client to schedule messages on discord and hope for the best. i just don't want to send anything while im still here because then ill wait for them to see it and that will cancel my attempt.
i think its better to have everything ready and my affairs settled. even if i don't end up doing it, i get to meditate on my death, the fact that im literally ready to go and ready to die and theres nothing holding me back. might snap me out of it for good, if only that tiny sliver of action is between me and sure death.
im also thinking, instead of hanging ill go with ligature strangulation(i think thats the name of the method, shoelace around neck). i want a quick death where my body will look peaceful. if i hang myself... well... but apparently LS looks peaceful. as traumatizing as this event will be, i want to reduce as much of the possible trauma as i can, with writing as extensively about my reasons as i can plus with a peaceful dead body.
i kinda wanted to slit my wrist open as one final fantasy, something ive always wanted to do, but i guess that won't happen anytime soon. fine. i can sacrifice that
idk my date. as soon as possible honestly. started talking with one of my classmates who ive been getting along with and now were texting almost 24/7 and she invited me to go out and drink with my best friend once she(best friend) finishes her last written exam. i want that to be a fun occasion. i want them to have that fun last memory with me if i go after that.
funny thing is, i mentioned my suicidal thoughts to both my best friend and even to that girl, to my best friend i said i already have a plan and the rope? but no one seems to take it seriously? is everyone around me just used to the fact that i tend to have suicidal thoughts? but if i say that im seriously considering it and theres a good chance i will actually go through with it, im afraid of being interrupted. i don't think either of them have it in mind to call the police on me (best friend knows where i live) and thats exactly what im scared of. dont fucking call the police on me dude. even if i get sent to the ward that wont change the fact that i want to ctb. dumb me down with medication and useless therapy, as soon as im out of there i would do it anyways.
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