Chronic Illnesses and Physical Diseases Megathread

[Rational man]

HI, I have since my 16 birthday unknow genetic disease which is slowly altering my metabolism rate, after 11 years my metabolism is so slow that I barely eat, almost any food makes me feel like garbage, I can not even drink too much water because of it. I have kidney pain which radiate from back, also neck pain, headaches, my bones are like glass and I feel pain in them, cracking all the time. I have stomach pain. Since my metabolism rate went down I developed brain fog, chronic fatigue and serious deppresion. I spend most of my day in bed unable to do anything, I have trouble even to prepare for suicide because how I lack strenght, but I dont have any other choice, despite loving life I have to do this and its haunting me, my other option is wait until this kills me and I dont wanna suffer more I feel overwhelmed by life by burden that was put on me, I fought this health issues really hard and I believed that I will fix this but life is raw a cruel and I dont live in fairytale where everything turns to be good. I feel traped and I can not do anything about that, dont wanna die, dont wanna suffer and dont wanna suicide.

Im so sorry to read about your suffering. it.so.cruel.as im in a similar dilemma. There's very little-known medical help.for me. I.feel like im.withering.away. Can you.not.get medical help?.

 

[Cleopatra123]

HI, I have since my 16 birthday unknow genetic disease which is slowly altering my metabolism rate, after 11 years my metabolism is so slow that I barely eat, almost any food makes me feel like garbage, I can not even drink too much water because of it. I have kidney pain which radiate from back, also neck pain, headaches, my bones are like glass and I feel pain in them, cracking all the time. I have stomach pain. Since my metabolism rate went down I developed brain fog, chronic fatigue and serious deppresion. I spend most of my day in bed unable to do anything, I have trouble even to prepare for suicide because how I lack strenght, but I dont have any other choice, despite loving life I have to do this and its haunting me, my other option is wait until this kills me and I dont wanna suffer more I feel overwhelmed by life by burden that was put on me, I fought this health issues really hard and I believed that I will fix this but life is raw a cruel and I dont live in fairytale where everything turns to be good. I feel traped and I can not do anything about that, dont wanna die, dont wanna suffer and dont wanna suicide

 

[Jolene79]

Reading all these posts is so heartbreaking. But there seems to be alot of common issues. Alot of people here seem to have what I have - Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. That has caused multiple problems, I think alot of people with ME have possibly got EDS. There's no help for most of us. I have been gaslit so severely despite having about 7 documented conditions on my records. Despite all this, I'm still gaslit.

I'm desperate for it to be over. Every second is torture. I can't sit up anymore without torture. I don't have the strength of energy to even kill myself and no reliable method I can get my head around. So it's like a limbo where I cry and cry all day every day begging to the sky to end it.

 

[flyingrabbitt]

I have migraines, endometriosis and sleep apnea, I'm constantly in pain and/or exhausted. Everyone believes my migraines and endo are linked to the trauma I endured which I believe as well so it's just a painful reminder of how broken I am because selfish bastards took advantage of a child. Not to mention body flashbacks of my trauma which are horrible pain and some even stop me from walking because my legs feel broken and painful even when I know they aren't.

 

[carac]

For anyone suffering with chronic pain or possibly another type of chronic afflication I would recomend learning about mind body syndrome. I'm not grifting, It's something that helped me greatly and hasn't cost me a penny.

You can read about it here https://unlearnyourpain.com/mind-body-syndrome/
This is nothing about "it's all in your head" have a look and if it sounds like it could be you it's worth a shot, it most probably won't but there is a chance it could help someone out there like me. All that is required is that you learn about the condition and understand it and often that is enough to start working toward a better standard of living.

 

[Jolene79]

For anyone suffering with chronic pain or possibly another type of chronic afflication I would recomend learning about mind body syndrome. I'm not grifting, It's something that helped me greatly and hasn't cost me a penny.

You can read about it here https://unlearnyourpain.com/mind-body-syndrome/
This is nothing about "it's all in your head" have a look and if it sounds like it could be you it's worth a shot, it most probably won't but there is a chance it could help someone out there like me. All that is required is that you learn about the condition and understand it and often that is enough to start working toward a better standard of living.

Ok I get quite frustrated by this. If someone is physically losing sensory nerves through their body, entire face and head because of a physiological.disease process, is the above going to help me think my way out of it. The problem with this type of theorising is it stops clinicians searching for true causes and appropriate treatment. There may be none but it puts it back in the poor suffering patient and their brain wiring or trauma responses. It is dangerous and gaslighting at its finest.
I chose to ignore all this nonsense and figured out the diseases I had myself. Physiological testing then demonstrated this was what I had. Most young people don't have the energy or resource to fight like this. These articles I find very unhelpful

 

[MiraiShisen]

Im so sorry to read about your suffering. it.so.cruel.as im in a similar dilemma. There's very little-known medical help.for me. I.feel like im.withering.away. Can you.not.get medical help?.

I have tried everything and nothing seemed to work. I visited like every "specialist" urology, endocrinology, gastrology, neurology etc... everything was ok there are just some blood markers that are off and thats it. I have tried, keto diet, carnivore, gaps diet, low fat, I did 21 water fasting, tried so many supplements and nothing :/ I would not give up if I had chance but now I am just afraid of paina and suffering and I dont have anything good in my life really , I have endured enough to just say I gave it a really good fight and now its time to accept destiny and leave this sinking ship untill I have option to do it myself, because I dont wanna suffer to the bitter end just to be here for few miserable months longer. I feel you too, if you have option to fix your condition give it a shot but if no, then at least we are not alone in this cycle of pain and hope we will find peace eithere here on earth or after we end this journy. Well I dont know whats your problems but when I was seeking truth about health I found some really great doctors who really understands metabolism and how body works and conditions like diabetes type 2, dementia or some others like fatty liver disease are in fact treatable, I just know that my genetics are currently untreatable. Look up Dr. Paul Mason from Australia but depents what problems do you have I know that there is not magic pill that can treat everything. Wish you luck and peace in mind at least.

 

[NoLightRemains]

I have chronic migraines and chronic fatigue. I miss not being in pain and not having my life restricted by these stupid diseases. I spend most of my days laying in bed because most activities make me feel physically worse. I'll lay down for a bit for rest, get bored and want to move around, then I just feel worse after my activities.

Some days are better than others, but the combination of my physical illnesses and my mental ones leaves me unable to work or have a meaningful quality of life.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Lately I'm just getting sick of being sick.


I'm starting to get like tired of managing everything. For the next week I wanna just truly not care about any illness or worry about any upkeep.

With chronic health issues something that is so hard to come to terms with is that even if I try really hard it won't always make a difference. Hell it might just make things worse.

This shit makes me wanna give up...

 

[Techef]

Rheumatoid arthritis, fibromylagia, severe dental abscesses (now spreading to facial tissue and possibly elsewhere), PTSD, anxiety, major depression, brain fog, fatigue/weakness, a few boils from spending too much time lying down or sitting last couple years, digestive system cancer, malnourishment.

 

[Rational man]

I have tried everything and nothing seemed to work. I visited like every "specialist" urology, endocrinology, gastrology, neurology etc... everything was ok there are just some blood markers that are off and thats it. I have tried, keto diet, carnivore, gaps diet, low fat, I did 21 water fasting, tried so many supplements and nothing :/ I would not give up if I had chance but now I am just afraid of paina and suffering and I dont have anything good in my life really , I have endured enough to just say I gave it a really good fight and now its time to accept destiny and leave this sinking ship untill I have option to do it myself, because I dont wanna suffer to the bitter end just to be here for few miserable months longer. I feel you too, if you have option to fix your condition give it a shot but if no, then at least we are not alone in this cycle of pain and hope we will find peace eithere here on earth or after we end this journy. Well I dont know whats your problems but when I was seeking truth about health I found some really great doctors who really understands metabolism and how body works and conditions like diabetes type 2, dementia or some others like fatty liver disease are in fact treatable, I just know that my genetics are currently untreatable. Look up Dr. Paul Mason from Australia but depents what problems do you have I know that there is not magic pill that can treat everything. Wish you luck and peace in mind at least.

I feel your heartfelt words and the pain you are having. I think some people are just lucky in diagnosis, being somewhere at the right time. For many of us, the answers are not always known at least until later. Ive known so many people die young from disease, accident, murder and suicide. People in their 20s 30s,.40s. It really cuts you up when you find out as you probably know. Maybe ive hardened to the idea that shit happens, doctors dont have every answer and many diseases cannot be cured. Maybe we have expectations that things can be fixed but in reality, everyone checks out eventually.

 

[SolomonKado]

i didn't have anything except some mental issues until I donated blood in the military to Red Cross. Within a week of donating blood I was told to go to the hospital. Doctor tells me that me and 20 other people caught hep c back when It was 6 pills a day and an injection you did once a week for a year. Side effects were about 4 pages long. I was seriously sick for a year.

That started a long line of trouble. Because of the hep c treatment I ended up with neuropathy in my extremities that's pretty painful. Somewhere between all this I ended up with a bulged disc on my lower back that always lets me know it's there.

Now I have Agoraphobia, High Anxiety, and bad PTSD. My doctor won't prescribe me anything strong because I'm an addict/alcoholic.

After 8 years of training to prepare for the worst to ever happen and come up with other multiple plans, I can't seem to shut it off so good things are always possibly bad. In my life for every 1 good person there are 500,000 bad. I can't seem to move passed all this even with therapy and mental meds. It doesn't help that when I start getting over it then something else bad or traumatic happens to me. I'm tired….

 

[HD72]

Outside someone walked by with a dog and it made me think that if an animal were suffering the way people here are suffering, it would be considered cruel and inhumane not to put it down to end its suffering. But for some reason, there is not just an expectation, but a demand that people who are suffering be forced to continue to indefinitely. I don't understand this societal cognitive dissonance when it comes to suffering and death.

I try to explain this to my mother. My parents caused me so much damage and now the medical community has harmed me with dangerous meds. Her reply…"well that's life." I guess you can tell she has never had chronic pain.

i didn't have anything except some mental issues until I donated blood in the military to Red Cross. Within a week of donating blood I was told to go to the hospital. Doctor tells me that me and 20 other people caught hep c back when It was 6 pills a day and an injection you did once a week for a year. Side effects were about 4 pages long. I was seriously sick for a year.

That started a long line of trouble. Because of the hep c treatment I ended up with neuropathy in my extremities that's pretty painful. Somewhere between all this I ended up with a bulged disc on my lower back that always lets me know it's there.

Now I have Agoraphobia, High Anxiety, and bad PTSD. My doctor won't prescribe me anything strong because I'm an addict/alcoholic.

After 8 years of training to prepare for the worst to ever happen and come up with other multiple plans, I can't seem to shut it off so good things are always possibly bad. In my life for every 1 good person there are 500,000 bad. I can't seem to move passed all this even with therapy and mental meds. It doesn't help that when I start getting over it then something else bad or traumatic happens to me. I'm tired….

I suffer from bad agoraphobia and damage from meds. I think it's cruel my mother would put down a pet that was hurting like me but when I ask her for help she says no. She's never had pain. I've lived with it my whole life. She acts insulted that I don't appreciate my life. I have medical training and know I won't get better nor will I be able to support myself. She thinks leaving me a few thousand dollars will make everything work out ok. She refused to make plans to help me secure my future and can't grasp why I'm scared and angry. I live in a bed in pain 24/7. I just want to go and I can't understand how to set up an exit bag. The pain makes me easily confused.

 

[SolomonKado]

Bulged lower disc, Neuropathy, PTSD, Agoraphobia, High Anxiety, depression, Alcoholism.

I was born with one extra bone in my spine. After all the physical stress in the military, another job, and age then the pressure from the extra bone squashed a disc in my 30's bulging it out.

When I had caught Hep C from donating blood I had to go through a "test" treatment. It caused Painful Neuropathy in my limbs and severe thinning of my hair.

PTSD from childhood, military, and working in a prison because of staff. Extreme Agoraphobia, high anxiety, depression, and alcoholism. In the 8 years I was in the military I didn't feel the need to drink at all. I could manage my problems. After 2 extremely mentally trying years at the prison because of staff I started drinking heavily. My other mental damage wasn't as bad until I just couldn't lie to myself anymore about some really dirty staff at the prison. You can only cover your eyes for so long…. Just like any profession. Bad people can ruin a place. Too many bad people can destroy a place.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Today is just a lot. Getting up is dizzy/risk of fainting. Im so sleepy but ik I needa eat. Ordered pasta. At this point cooking on my own is impossible. I It's super hot which usually is a great thing but rn.... I just wanna eat quick and sleep. I tried blowing on it and breathlessness & dizziness that's not a good idea. Soo putting it down to wait for it cool down enough. Tryna stay awake. I feel miserable today.

It's so isolating and feels so pathetic of myself to be at this level of functioning. Like doing all the things im supposed to & yet still in a flareup

My brainfog is so bad im watching a video I've watched 10+ times & still feel a bit of confusion... it's fucking awful. Im all alone dealing with all of this.

Well at least rn I have the money to buy take out. So that's something to be grateful for...Ig im.just tryna toxic positivity myself. Like maybe I don't have the right to complain... I dunno.

I can't wait to just end my existence but I needa not feel so bad/ be in a flareup less to do so. Worrying will only prolong it soo tryna... I dunno... not worry... or smthin.

 

[Sunny13111]

Massive ovarian tumor here. Currently 20 x 20 x17cm. Look pregnant. Had enough waiting for my op. Apparently it's borderline.

Today is just a lot. Getting up is dizzy/risk of fainting. Im so sleepy but ik I needa eat. Ordered pasta. At this point cooking on my own is impossible. I It's super hot which usually is a great thing but rn.... I just wanna eat quick and sleep. I tried blowing on it and breathlessness & dizziness that's not a good idea. Soo putting it down to wait for it cool down enough. Tryna stay awake. I feel miserable today.

It's so isolating and feels so pathetic of myself to be at this level of functioning. Like doing all the things im supposed to & yet still in a flareup

My brainfog is so bad im watching a video I've watched 10+ times & still feel a bit of confusion... it's fucking awful. Im all alone dealing with all of this.

Well at least rn I have the money to buy take out. So that's something to be grateful for...Ig im.just tryna toxic positivity myself. Like maybe I don't have the right to complain... I dunno.

I can't wait to just end my existence but I needa not feel so bad/ be in a flareup less to do so. Worrying will only prolong it soo tryna... I dunno... not worry... or smthin.

I'm so sorry your going through this. I hope talking here hopes you not to feel too alone. Sending a hug x

 

[HD72]

The pain has increased. It was already a 10.

It breaks my heart to see all the holiday ads. I just want to be brave enough to go. I want a gun but I can't get out. I'm too ill to understand gas. I want to go with gas. I need help. Anyone that can help me understand it would be a gift. I am so tired. So sad and tired. The people on here r so good. We could have made the world better but God chose to destroy us and leave people who are cruel. Thoughtless. Heartless.

 

[tpboy]

We could have made the world better but God chose to destroy us and leave people who are cruel. Thoughtless. Heartless.

To me this is a sign that either God does not exist or that he is Cruel himself.

 

[HD72]

To me this is a sign that either God does not exist or that he is Cruel himself.

I think of him as a school yard bully. The teachers favorite. The student with rich parents and infinite resources to buy him out of trouble and bad grades. I went to a school full of students like this. The evil little shit with the magnifying glass burning poor ants while other little shits watch and laugh. It makes me afraid to CTB. If he hates me now what will he do when I get to "heaven."

 

[Jolene79]

Today is just a lot. Getting up is dizzy/risk of fainting. Im so sleepy but ik I needa eat. Ordered pasta. At this point cooking on my own is impossible. I It's super hot which usually is a great thing but rn.... I just wanna eat quick and sleep. I tried blowing on it and breathlessness & dizziness that's not a good idea. Soo putting it down to wait for it cool down enough. Tryna stay awake. I feel miserable today.

It's so isolating and feels so pathetic of myself to be at this level of functioning. Like doing all the things im supposed to & yet still in a flareup

My brainfog is so bad im watching a video I've watched 10+ times & still feel a bit of confusion... it's fucking awful. Im all alone dealing with all of this.

Well at least rn I have the money to buy take out. So that's something to be grateful for...Ig im.just tryna toxic positivity myself. Like maybe I don't have the right to complain... I dunno.

I can't wait to just end my existence but I needa not feel so bad/ be in a flareup less to do so. Worrying will only prolong it soo tryna... I dunno... not worry... or smthin.

I have those brain fog symptoms. I find myself staring at a TV programme for hours or looking at something I might watch scrolling Endless then realise what I'm doing and the daze I've been in. It's horrible. You sound like you have POTS. This is one of my issues. Problems with the autonomic nervous system, flow of blood upwards against gravity.

The pain has increased. It was already a 10.

It breaks my heart to see all the holiday ads. I just want to be brave enough to go. I want a gun but I can't get out. I'm too ill to understand gas. I want to go with gas. I need help. Anyone that can help me understand it would be a gift. I am so tired. So sad and tired. The people on here r so good. We could have made the world better but God chose to destroy us and leave people who are cruel. Thoughtless. Heartless.

Hey HD. How old are you can I ask? I hope you aren't young. It's even more cruel when someone is young and suffering in pain.

I don't believe in God or anything like that so hope you can see none of this is punishment. It really is just a mixture of bad luck, bad genetics, unfortunate circumstances all mashed together to create a horrible situation

 

[Jolene79]

To me this is a sign that either God does not exist or that he is Cruel himself.

I am so sorry to hear about your situation, @Callie Arcale.

Wherever one finds themself on the spectrum of severity of ME/CFS, they are significantly disabled. Someone with so-called "mild" ME may be able to work but do nothing else than rest in their "free" time, and that is already a very difficult spot to be in. The severe, very severe and extremely severe ends of the spectrum are so incredibly disabling that they are unconceivable to those who have not been there, except for carers (at least the ones that understand ME). That speaks volumes.

With regards to biomedical research, I think there has been an uptick since the publication of the US Institute of Medicine's report in 2015 that was followed by a doubling of funding into ME/CFS research at the NIH. However, studies mostly remain about clinical observations, such as measuring orthostatic intolerance with tilt table testing or the 10 min NASA lean test and post-exertional malaise (PEM) with 2-day CPETs. What we are desperately missing is basic research to understand the biological underpinnings of the disease, and in particular PEM.

I will say about OMF that they are trying to do too much with too little resources. They list about 30 different projects on their website but they do not consistently provide updates on their progress, so we are left in the dark. Circling back to the previous point, I am sad to see that they went from wanting to collect as much biological data as possible and then formulating hypotheses off of these, to the opposite (for instance, the only grounds for the metabolic trap and the itaconate are theoretical). Alas.

I am not completely desperate about the current state of affairs, though. There have been two major advances lately.

First, the NIH intramural study, albeit small, was extremely thorough, covered many physiological aspects (79 researchers participated in the study) and has seemingly identified and detailed some problems like mitochondrial dysfunction. The results should be published in early 2023, and I hope it will bolster research into ME from other teams.

Second, the 25,000 participant strong, genome-wide association study DecodeME launched in September in the UK. Not only are the investigators very rigorous in their methodology, but among them are patients and carers who have worked hard to ensure that all patients with ME can participate easily — even the most severely affected ones. There is no better way to finding clues as to what causes ME than a properly designed genetic study because, where clinical observations may either be a cause or a consequence of the disease, DNA does not change throughout our lives so its implication in the disease can only be causal.

Those are the two hopes that I am clinging on to. The DecodeME team plans to release their first findings in early 2024, and whatever they find will lead to potential treatments. Unless my health completely tanks until then, I will be waiting for these results.

As for the biopsychosocial cabal, they have indeed been around for decades, but lately they have lost credibility. Health authorities in the US and the UK (IOM/NAM, CDC, AHRQ, NICE) now all agree that the scientific evidence they have provided (clinical trials) to support the use of graded exercise and "curative" CBT is of terribly poor quality. Even if one ignores the methodology, the objective outcomes are clear: these therapies do not lead to any improvement in daily step count (as a proxy for general physical activity), fitness, disability benefits, return to work / school.

These days, biopsychosocial advocates are just trying to hold on to what is left of their relevance by writing ridiculous "hit pieces" in medical journals that conveniently tuck the problems in their research under the carpet, or they contact journalists in their sphere of influence to do it for them. All of which get debunked as soon as they come out. Surely that indicates desperation on their end — after all, they have built their careers on this "deconditioning and unhelpful beliefs perpetuate the disease" model. The house of cards is crumbling and they're scrambling to hold the pieces together, no more, no less.

Sadly, they are why we only have pacing, rest and symptomatic medication (for pain, insomnia, orthostatic intolerance and MCAS) to date. Severe ME is even harder because literally anything makes you crash, so pacing, although an obvious necessity, fails most of the time. No wonder then that we seek the contact we crave for on Facebook groups and forums with people who understand and where we can talk about suicidal ideation. As you mentioned, it is a sick twist that we are in the opposite situation to many here on SaSu: we want to live so badly but are trapped in bodies that cannot bear the smallest bout of exertion.

ME/CFS indeed kills, and I hope this changes within the next 10 years. Whether we will be there to benefit from these potential changes is another question.

In cases of severe ME that has resulted in death - autopsy has shown severe inflammation in the dorsal root ganglion. These are hidden away in the spine and are the control centres for autonomic and sensory nerve function. When things go wrong here you are dealing with hideous symptoms affecting orthostatic tolerance, heart, digestion, breathing, pain, energy. So so much. I have an autoimmune condition that is notoriously difficult to diagnose and under treated. It's a leading cause of this neurological damage.

I believe many people with ME have this or have EDS ( Ehlers Danlos Syndrome). Significantly under recognised, under diagnosed, gaslight galore. It's a co morbid with MCAS and POTS and much more hell.

EDS is also somehow genetically associated with Autism and ADHD.

 

[HD72]

I have those brain fog symptoms. I find myself staring at a TV programme for hours or looking at something I might watch scrolling Endless then realise what I'm doing and the daze I've been in. It's horrible. You sound like you have POTS. This is one of my issues. Problems with the autonomic nervous system, flow of blood upwards against gravity.

Hey HD. How old are you can I ask? I hope you aren't young. It's even more cruel when someone is young and suffering in pain.

I don't believe in God or anything like that so hope you can see none of this is punishment. It really is just a mixture of bad luck, bad genetics, unfortunate circumstances all mashed together to create a horrible situation

It is not how old the person is, it's how long they have been in pain. I have been in pain since I was 5. I am 51 now. I have nothing left to give. Nothing.

 

[Jolene79]

It is not how old the person is, it's how long they have been in pain. I have been in pain since I was 5. I am 51 now. I have nothing left to give. Nothing.

Yes you are totally right. Sorry if that sounded insensitive. I'm in my mid 40s and although my issue started about 10 years ago, I still feel robbed of a life

 

[haibane]

Hi, i have a brain chronic disorder but i dont want to be too precise about it, chronic insomnia, tinnitus, depression and have very good chance of being autistic. My body definitely feels like a prison, and between constant hallucinations, constant paranoia and lack of sleep, working/living like anyone else seems impossible for me.
Also i hate telling people about those disabilities cause they almost immediately stop to see me as a person which is the least thing i want.

 

[Yuna is My Waifu]

I'm gonna post some suicide fuel in here.

36YO Virgin. Have some fucked up chromosome mutation so I'm incredibly skinny, i think it's the same chromosome as Autism. I look like i have anorexia. Small skinny head and brain.
Super ugly. Bow Legged. Malformed toes. Small dick. Hip and knee tendons are fucked so in huge pain all the time. Avoidant Personality Disorder. Anxiety, Depression, Low self esteem. Think about suicide every day. Have a shitty low IQ, Low Pay job and i can barely do that properly.
Apathy. Dumb. Maybe Autism.
I have a long skinny narrow face, Overbite, TMJ, Malocclusion and am also a mouth breather. Adenoid face. Missing front tooth so have to wear a plate.
Crooked teeth, buck teeth.

 

[HD72]

Yes you are totally right. Sorry if that sounded insensitive. I'm in my mid 40s and although my issue started about 10 years ago, I still feel robbed of a life

Oh I didn't think anything bad. Any amount of time in pain is too long. I'm sorry u have been robbed of the best years of your life while so many privileged people don't appreciate anything they have

 

[SolomonKado]

It's crazy how some people have all the luck and some have nothing. Those who have chronic massive pain and those who skate through with no problems and lots of friends and family for thanksgiving while the other side of the spectrum is laying at home on their bed in pain just watching tv to keep their mind off their own thoughts.

I want to CTB, but whenever I get around to do it a switch flips and I become a zombie again. Like I'm perpetuating this horrible cycle. Like a horrible punishment for something.

I remember the days I had with my mom's side of the family for the holidays when I was around 10. I was so uncomfortable around them because my mom was the black sheep and we were all extensions of her so we didn't get treated the best. What kind of world is this where family treats kids as bad as the black sheep?! There just fucking kids!! It only got worse through my life from there.

I just felt like I was doing my best my whole life to get through to now and I am sure as hell not living. So many choices I made that led me to this spot. Like donating blood and catching hep c from it…. How the fuck am I that unlucky..?! Like every path I chose was doomed to absolute failure anyways. The Hep C is in remission, but the treatment in 2002 for it was just as damaging as the disease and I'm paying for it. I should have just let the disease take me…. I can't seem to live anyways.

 

[HD72]

It's crazy how some people have all the luck and some have nothing. Those who have chronic massive pain and those who skate through with no problems and lots of friends and family for thanksgiving while the other side of the spectrum is laying at home on their bed in pain just watching tv to keep their mind off their own thoughts.

I want to CTB, but whenever I get around to do it a switch flips and I become a zombie again. Like I'm perpetuating this horrible cycle. Like a horrible punishment for something.

I remember the days I had with my mom's side of the family for the holidays when I was around 10. I was so uncomfortable around them because my mom was the black sheep and we were all extensions of her so we didn't get treated the best. What kind of world is this where family treats kids as bad as the black sheep?! There just fucking kids!! It only got worse through my life from there.

I just felt like I was doing my best my whole life to get through to now and I am sure as hell not living. So many choices I made that led me to this spot. Like donating blood and catching hep c from it…. How the fuck am I that unlucky..?! Like every path I chose was doomed to absolute failure anyways. The Hep C is in remission, but the treatment in 2002 for it was just as damaging as the disease and I'm paying for it. I should have just let the disease take me…. I can't seem to live anyways.

I am so sorry. Every day I wake up worse. The drs are terrible. I'm so sick. So sick. I can't take this pain. I'm exhausted. I can't eat. I just wish my electrolytes would go low enough that I have a heart attack or stroke.

 

[zwillz]

Hi, I have hidradenitis suppurativa, a super painful skin condition that is lifelong and chronic, walking hurts, moving hurts, and working is almost impossible. It is a skin condition so opioids don't even touch the pain, thinking about CTB to stop the agony but the guilt I'd put onto my loved ones is too much. I wish there was a way out without causing pain. Also multiple mental illnesses including PTSD and a panic disorder. My body has rejected me and I'm ready to reject it.

 

[meandering-river]

I have ulcerative colitis (since 1992), ankolysing spondylitis, long covid for 3 years, asthma, cptsd, nafld, sleep apnea, urinary incontinence (thx to having twins 15 years ago), extensive nerve damage to pelvic region. I'm so very tired of constant pain that worsens at night and extreme fatigue and a fucked up head. I'm exhausted but pain keeps me up for hours. My head doesn't shut up and I'm miserable. Actually I've given up. I stopped caring yesterday. Just waiting for the helium to arrive on Wednesday. Until then status quo so no one realises. Not that anyone would. My twins have autism so they live in their own worlds. I divorced my abuse husband of 23 years about 5 years ago. No family on this side of the world. I've lost all my friends due to illness and the inability to leave the house due to long covid - I slept 20 hours a day for the first year. I could barely function when I was awake. I'm a bit better now - only sleeping 10-12 hours a day. I can cook and keep the laundry going and the house tidied. But not able to work (was a primary school teacher). My kids had to move in with the abusive ex husband. When he was arrested a year ago they moved back in with me. I'm barely coping with life. Im in therapy but that's really hard work and I'm tired of everything. I can't see my reality changing. Ever.