As a child it was the best and most magical time of the year I don´t even have words for how amazing Christmas was and how much joy, wonder and happiness I felt doing that time but it´s been so long it feels almost like a distant dream.
Last Christmas I even cried when walking around the Christmas tree when singing the old Christmas songs fortunately nobody noticed since I hid it, it was just Christmas only feels tragic and a desperate attempt to hold on to traditions and we used to be so many more family members now it´s basically just me, my siblings and parents, there is no snow anymore and we used to get a ton of snow and snow free days how can you feel the Christmas spirit when there is no snow? And even back when we had snow I felt the last tiny spark of Christmas spirit at 17 which was 9 years ago but it will never be the same as when I was a child which is why I get so sad and feel Christmas Eve is so depressing, as a child Santa Claus (my dad in a costume) showed up with our presents and we would be so amazed me and my brothers to see "the real Santa Claus" and we got the most amazing and fun presents now as an adult we only get practical stuff which is soooo boring, sure I would´ve to buy the things myself so I save the money but I am not excited opening presents with clothes or kitchen items I need.
To me Christmas is dead, I live in Scandinavia yet last year we got no snow at all, we are so few people in our family left at Christmas, and it´s not at my family home anymore since it got demolished so not even any nostalgia by thinking if I turned the clock back x amount of years I would be dancing around the Christmas tree at this exact spot, and of course presents are not fun or exciting anymore they are boring grownup stuff and birthdays isn´t any better it´s just a reminder that I am one year further away from my magnificent paradise of a childhood where I also would wake up to getting a present from my parents a fun exciting present I usually had wished for, last year I got salt and pepper grinders, it was something I needed and would have to buy myself so I saved some money but it´s not like I get excited or light up as a child opening presents I hate being an adult it´s just too boring. But I also still feel in many ways I am 16-17 probably because of my Aspergers so that might explain some things plus I got Peter Pan Syndrome (self-diagnosed).
