Venting Christmas Vent

[DepressedGata]

a lot of my internet friends were kind enough to buy me some games on steam
im kinda happy that they care about me enough to do that
but it also makes me kinda sad
if i kill myself that would be a waste of their money
a waste of their goodwill and a waste of their kindness
but still i want to kill myself
it would be a lot easier if everybody else hated me as much as i hated myself

 

[TheHolySword]

I understand the way you feel. I destroyed friendships and a potential relationship because I thought it would be easier for them, easier for me. I thought it would be better. The truth is that it's not. Your friends love and care for you, let them have the memory of doing something kind for you. They made you happy when you were at your lowest. They'll remember that. They won't think it was a waste to treat you with as kind of a life as they could.

 

[pointblank]

a lot of my internet friends were kind enough to buy me some games on steam
im kinda happy that they care about me enough to do that
but it also makes me kinda sad
if i kill myself that would be a waste of their money
a waste of their goodwill and a waste of their kindness
but still i want to kill myself
it would be a lot easier if everybody else hated me as much as i hated myself

If that prevents you from CTB then don't worry. People are strong. They can and will be able to handle it. I used to think the same, but now realize that people are strong and get through life from struggles and challenges.

 

[SadRatQueen]

I recently destroyed a few of my relationships because I had planned to ctb before Christmas. I ended up not doing so because I didn't want to ruin the holidays for my niece and nephew, like mine had been when my mother passed on my birthday. I didn't want them to associate a holiday that typically brings cheer as a reminder of how much cheer I truly lacked.

But now my partner got me a new phone and hair dye I mentioned offhanded once. I feel like I would be wasting his money if I were to go on my birthday like I plan. Like I owe him the appreciation of said gifts.

 

[Forever Sleep]

That's kind of them. I think you could always mention that if you do decide to CTB and leave a note. That you greatly appreciated their friendship even up to the time they bought you those games. Maybe even a white lie that they gave you some nice distraction for a bit.

Really though, I don't think there's ever a good time to do it and we can't change how people react to us. A couple of relatives got in touch with me over the Christmas period. That makes me feel odd if I do then decide I will do it but then- we can't really just shun people. And a lot of us can't really be truthful with them either.

I suppose how I feel is- I want to continue to be friendly with people but I'll avoid reinforcing deep connections and I'll avoid making new ones in the hopes it shields people from what seems highly likely at some point- my CTB.