Does anyone here think of suicide as a way of relinquishing a life that is fundamentally beneath them, and getting to check out of a broken social system?
I'm not really talking about society en masse. I just think I deserved a better life than this. The last time I saw a psychiatrist -- about 3 years ago -- he wanted to put me in a public housing unit for mentally disabled people. Those places typically cater to e.g. severe schizophrenia where people have lost the ability to care for themselves. I later ended up in a public hospital that was more like a prison, getting ECT for my chronic illness instead of the medical testing that was promised? Okay.
Currently I have a social worker and feel like I'm on parole. It isn't helping me. Since my abusive mom referred me, she just gets to check in with him as she pleases. I have to see him every 2 weeks regardless of how sick I feel.
I feel so displaced. My home doesn't feel like a home. I have no privacy, no personal space. I have no control over my life, or any fundamental freedom whatsoever. If I wasn't sick, I could walk out of here, get a train to another city, get a job, start a new life. It's such a mindfuck that I have to lie around and just accept living like this.
If I kill myself, no more answering to my family, no more hanging onto tiny little scraps of reprieve that never amount to anything meaningful, no matter justifying a severe and fucking disabling "invisible illness" to doctors, no more getting treated like social waste who gets dumped in care units, no more living like an animal.
It's almost like killing myself is the only way to save the person I know I am?
I'm not really talking about society en masse. I just think I deserved a better life than this. The last time I saw a psychiatrist -- about 3 years ago -- he wanted to put me in a public housing unit for mentally disabled people. Those places typically cater to e.g. severe schizophrenia where people have lost the ability to care for themselves. I later ended up in a public hospital that was more like a prison, getting ECT for my chronic illness instead of the medical testing that was promised? Okay.
Currently I have a social worker and feel like I'm on parole. It isn't helping me. Since my abusive mom referred me, she just gets to check in with him as she pleases. I have to see him every 2 weeks regardless of how sick I feel.
I feel so displaced. My home doesn't feel like a home. I have no privacy, no personal space. I have no control over my life, or any fundamental freedom whatsoever. If I wasn't sick, I could walk out of here, get a train to another city, get a job, start a new life. It's such a mindfuck that I have to lie around and just accept living like this.
If I kill myself, no more answering to my family, no more hanging onto tiny little scraps of reprieve that never amount to anything meaningful, no matter justifying a severe and fucking disabling "invisible illness" to doctors, no more getting treated like social waste who gets dumped in care units, no more living like an animal.
It's almost like killing myself is the only way to save the person I know I am?
