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derpyderpins

derpyderpins

Proud Normie
Sep 19, 2023
1,336
I always tell young people who ask if they are too "young" to ctb that it isn't about age so much as it is opportunities for big change. Well . . . I'm running out here.

  • Get out of high school
  • Have a relationship
  • get out of Uni
  • get out of home state and start fresh
  • get out of law school and get a job/some independence
  • get a "real" job and make "real" money. . . and try it at several different places
  • Finally have a live-in relationship with someone loving and caring
And . . . now I feel like I'm hitting a wall again. All that's really left is marriage (not that it's any different than what I have now), baby, retirement, I guess, unless something unexpected and out of my control comes to drastically change things.

Obviously, baby has to be written off because "I'm thinking about suicide let me force a child to exist on the off-chance it fixes things" is just about the worst reason imaginable to have a kid.

So. . . retirement in what . . . 30 years? I make good money but America is collapsing economically. I dunno. I'm not really actively suicidal . . . it's just been creeping back in, and I feel like I'm settling into this existence. And somehow I revert back to my old bad habits even after working so hard to correct them.
 
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SilverTiger

SilverTiger

Life is the night, I seek the warmth of the sun.
Apr 18, 2024
106
This is shitty, I am sorry.

I am lucky, I see my life ending via suicide, and have taken steps to make this possible. I agree with you however, its not age its oppertunity.
 
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derpyderpins

derpyderpins

Proud Normie
Sep 19, 2023
1,336
This is shitty, I am sorry.

I am lucky, I see my life ending via suicide, and have taken steps to make this possible. I agree with you however, its not age its oppertunity.
Thanks for the response. I went through a long period where I figured suicide was inevitable, then pulled myself out of it. Now I'm stuck in this limbo of not satisfied but not miserable enough to ctb. Plus too many connections/responsibilities.
 
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set0553

set0553

самоубийство
May 16, 2024
111
To CTB, or not to CTB.. that is the question. Stuck in the same rut, tho I am married, I cant really be too open about how I'm really feeling, not that we talk much anyway. Just both kinda doing our own thing. I'm also relied upon heavily at work, which is stressful, but gives me a sense of responsibility.. then there's my kids, and my dogs involved, so there'd be that guilt also. I have means and alot of opportunities to CTB, but..
 
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derpyderpins

derpyderpins

Proud Normie
Sep 19, 2023
1,336
To CTB, or not to CTB.. that is the question. Stuck in the same rut, tho I am married, I cant really be too open about how I'm really feeling, not that we talk much anyway. Just both kinda doing our own thing. I'm also relied upon heavily at work, which is stressful, but gives me a sense of responsibility.. then there's my kids, and my dogs involved, so there'd be that guilt also. I have means and alot of opportunities to CTB, but..
Yeah, the openness is tough. She knows I have been suicidal, but we mostly just talk about my "mood." She's supportive, but I'm not going to sit there and drill into her every day that I'm thinking there's really not much to live for.
 
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goodoldnoname923

goodoldnoname923

Wanting to find peace
Mar 28, 2024
835
I always tell young people who ask if they are too "young" to ctb that it isn't about age so much as it is opportunities for big change. Well . . . I'm running out here.

  • Get out of high school
  • Have a relationship
  • get out of Uni
  • get out of home state and start fresh
  • get out of law school and get a job/some independence
  • get a "real" job and make "real" money. . . and try it at several different places
  • Finally have a live-in relationship with someone loving and caring
And . . . now I feel like I'm hitting a wall again. All that's really left is marriage (not that it's any different than what I have now), baby, retirement, I guess, unless something unexpected and out of my control comes to drastically change things.

Obviously, baby has to be written off because "I'm thinking about suicide let me force a child to exist on the off-chance it fixes things" is just about the worst reason imaginable to have a kid.

So. . . retirement in what . . . 30 years? I make good money but America is collapsing economically. I dunno. I'm not really actively suicidal . . . it's just been creeping back in, and I feel like I'm settling into this existence. And somehow I revert back to my old bad habits even after working so hard to correct them.
I relate to this problem myself i was held back academically making any roads for an actual career limited as fuck

Having a relationship no chance i've loved 3 girls in the span of 10 years and none have loved me back and when i love someone I can't stop its as hard for me to fall in love as out

Aleast i sorta have a place of my own but still so much wasted opportunities and time

Traveling the world with my friend is now a bust and I just don't see any enjoyment in life in general so whats the point

I feel you truly i do and i wish i could say otherwise but yea
 
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set0553

set0553

самоубийство
May 16, 2024
111
Yeah, the openness is tough. She knows I have been suicidal, but we mostly just talk about my "mood." She's supportive, but I'm not going to sit there and drill into her every day that I'm thinking there's really not much to live for.
I just kinda pretend I'm OK in general until I can get away to family room alone, spend most of the day and night there. Anything else these days I risk an argument or fight. Its the wirst , missing how I used to be able to be open and honest about everything, changed to her blaming herself for how I feel..
 
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derpyderpins

derpyderpins

Proud Normie
Sep 19, 2023
1,336
I just kinda pretend I'm OK in general until I can get away to family room alone, spend most of the day and night there. Anything else these days I risk an argument or fight. Its the wirst , missing how I used to be able to be open and honest about everything, changed to her blaming herself for how I feel..
Sounds like a cautionary tale. I worry something like that will happen. She tries to do so much extra for me. . . but when I never get much better, what happens?
 
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Vicolo cieco

Vicolo cieco

Student
May 14, 2024
109
I'd give my left nut to be able to accomplish your milestones.
 

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