Venting Cheating leading to CTB

[RedFruit]

So I was cheated on by my partner last June. I thought everything was going well until he started acting weird and then his location was at his exes house and he didn't answer for the whole night. the next morning he called and told me he slept with her and that he knows it was wrong. he was drunk and apparently doesn't know why he did it. i don't even know why he still wants to be with me after it. we've taken many breaks on and off, but i ultimately keep coming back. no matter if im with him or not, this situation has caused me to want to CTB more than anything else. i don't know what to do anymore. i love him, but there's also many things wrong with our relationship. i've done many things to try to get over the cheating, but nothing has worked. i just feel like my life has come to a point where i can't move. im stuck no matter what i do.
im just stuck with the sadness knowing i'll never feel pretty. i already had issues loving myself before this and now i feel like it's impossible. i don't know how ill sleep tonight anymore. we were on facetime but he fell asleep but my brain tells me that he snuck over to his exes house and left the phone there. it's not like i can see him since it's pitch black. i tried to tell him goodnight but he didn't answer and i didn't hear any breathing on the other end. these are the stupid thoughts i have to be plagued with now.

 

[Topaz111]

I was cheated on last year too. It really destroyed me in so many ways and I think most people underestimate just how horrible and damaging it can be, especially if you already had low self esteem. I don't want to cross any boundaries and I don't know you, but I really don't think it's possible to stay with a cheater and be mentally okay with it, maybe there are some 0,1% unicorn cases, but usually people will never feel the same and trust their partner, it will only lead to paranoia and feelings of inferiority. I tried to stay too, but thankfully I was able to leave after a few weeks because the physical effects of anxiety were destroying me. The longer you are apart the easier it gets. It is really brutal though and completely valid to feel this way. I'm so sorry this happened to you, you deserved better.

 

[RedFruit]

I was cheated on last year too. It really destroyed me in so many ways and I think most people underestimate just how horrible and damaging it can be, especially if you already had low self esteem. I don't want to cross any boundaries and I don't know you, but I really don't think it's possible to stay with a cheater and be mentally okay with it, maybe there are some 0,1% unicorn cases, but usually people will never feel the same and trust their partner, it will only lead to paranoia and feelings of inferiority. I tried to stay too, but thankfully I was able to leave after a few weeks because the physical effects of anxiety were destroying me. The longer you are apart the easier it gets. It is really brutal though and completely valid to feel this way. I'm so sorry this happened to you, you deserved better.

I really do appreciate your perspective, but I just don't think I could do that at this time. I actually did break up with him and then get back together with him multiple times. Every breakup was initiated by me. We were broken up from November up until a couple of weeks ago. My need to CTB got so bad during this time that that's why I decided to register here in the first place :/

Maybe it's my brain's way of self preservation, I don't know. All I know is that right now that being without him feels worse than being with him. I went on numerous dates while we were broken up and it did not help. I'm definitely the type of person who needs to have attention from somebody else most of the time so it's really hard for me to be alone. I just need the attention from him sadly.

 

[Topaz111]

I really do appreciate your perspective, but I just don't think I could do that at this time. I actually did break up with him and then get back together with him multiple times. Every breakup was initiated by me. We were broken up from November up until a couple of weeks ago. My need to CTB got so bad during this time that that's why I decided to register here in the first place :/

Maybe it's my brain's way of self preservation, I don't know. All I know is that right now that being without him feels worse than being with him. I went on numerous dates while we were broken up and it did not help. I'm definitely the type of person who needs to have attention from somebody else most of the time so it's really hard for me to be alone. I just need the attention from him sadly.

I understand you're not in the right space to be able to do this right now and have tried in the past. I respect your choice whatever it is. However I would like you to know that I also broke up and got together with my ex 4 times (I was the one to break up every time) before I finally had the strength to leave for good. Being alone was unbearable and I kept going back to him until my physical health couldn't take it anymore. I wish I left sooner, but I know that I wouldn't have been able to back then due to how my mental state was. I really hope things will improve for you soon

 

[fightclub17]

I think it should be him who should want to ctb. You can sleep with a good conscience and that confidence in knowing you're a good person will shine externally.