Venting Caught in thw middle of my parents argument again.

[Wilt-On-High]

I'm sorry for venting every single day now.
But I cannot take this.

My mother and Father have completely lost the plot.
They hate eachover bad and I get dragged in between their arguments.
Previously I used to be silent and suffer whenever my Mother and Father would argue but recently for some weird reason I've been sticking up for my Mother the best way I can.
She accuses me of sounding like a mickey mouse and she accuses me of enjoying her and Father's arguments.

My younger sibling hasn't been kind to me either. She's 8
She has made up lies saying how I want to kill my own Mother in order to find peace and she's saying how I told her that she's a forgotten child. WHEN I TRIED TO TELL MOTHER SHE SAID THAT SHES INNOCENT AND "HOW ID SHE ABLE TO COME UP WITH SOMETHING LIKE THAT DUE TO HER AGE"
I try to tell Mother that it's the things she watches on YouTube because I've seen her myself watch incredibly gorey videos and fetishy videos (fat fetish vids, fart fetish, incontinence fetish videos, abusive steparents videos, emoji cat heat and just heat stuff in general, dodgy gatcha life videos. She watches alot of Sexual suggestive stuff on YT and I've tried to stop her but to no avail.)
My sister is a little liar and she knows that if she uses my name on anything she'll get believed straight away.

My Father accuses me of doing things on purpose like today. Where I made a mistake of putting in the wrong eggs to boil and he went off so badly and said some stuff about my Mother for no reason at all when I was the one who made that mistake

My mother has brought back telling my sister stuff
Like "oh don't be like her" (referring to me) and she also says that she doesn't want my younger sister to end up like me.

She also said that me and my Dad are going to go to hell and that I'm apparently looking down at her because she is disabled (which doesn't make sense because I'm Autistic + have a learning disability)

Yes I'm going to throw my hands up and say what I said like 2 years ago.
About "if I was in her shoes I would've shot myself" was bad
But what about the time where She even worst things to me?


Guys. To be honest I'm at a loss here.
It feels like CTB Is the only way out here.

 

[wantingdignity]

Vent all you want! I have vented about the same things over and over again. Sometimes you need to scream into the void and get some validation back.

I'm out of my abusive situation now. It wasn't even by choice - he left me and I want him back. That being said, my body is starting to slowly recognize that I feel safer now than I did when I was with him. It's very confusing.

I hope you are able to get out of this situation at some point in the near future. It will suck until then, but I hope that you are able to be kind to yourself through it. Your parents' thoughts and actions do not reflect who you are or what you deserve. You clearly have a good moral compass despite of your parents. It shows in that you care for your sibling.

My parents were awful to each other for years. It was incredibly lonely. I felt like I was always in the middle. My parents moved us like pawns in an emotional chess match against each other. I felt like I lived out of a suitcase when they finally separated. It makes sense that you feel awful right now. Have you heard of Maslow's hierarchy of needs? At the bottom of the pyramid, the base of every human's needs, are physical needs and a sense of safety. Your house is in turmoil and your body is constantly assessing your home's stability.

Vent all you want/need. You deserve to be able to express yourself freely.

 

[NiveusAnima]

There's a couple things you could try first. Running away, maybe. But that takes preparation, planning, and it could take a lot of money, so maybe not.
If you're still an (alleged) teen, you could bring some kind of CPS type thing to looking at your family. Especially with the kind of shit your sister watches? To me, it sounds like they're condoning it. That method would do the third most damage out of everything you could do that I can think of.
You could prove your case to them. Take a video proving some of the shit that's happening with your sister, get the little liar to admit to it on audio, and show your parents the YouTube history on the device your sister uses. This is probably the "best" method to solve this problem so far.
Lastly, you could just... end it all. But that takes a lot of planning, preparation, and it could take a lot of money, so... if you're willing to jump through these hoops to end it once and for all, you might as well try and run first.

I really hope you don't commit. There's a hell of a lot more to life than shitty parents who let their kids watch shit that ruins their minds or lets them contemplate ending their own life.

 

[Wilt-On-High]

Vent all you want! I have vented about the same things over and over again. Sometimes you need to scream into the void and get some validation back.

I'm out of my abusive situation now. It wasn't even by choice - he left me and I want him back. That being said, my body is starting to slowly recognize that I feel safer now than I did when I was with him. It's very confusing.

I hope you are able to get out of this situation at some point in the near future. It will suck until then, but I hope that you are able to be kind to yourself through it. Your parents' thoughts and actions do not reflect who you are or what you deserve. You clearly have a good moral compass despite of your parents. It shows in that you care for your sibling.

My parents were awful to each other for years. It was incredibly lonely. I felt like I was always in the middle. My parents moved us like pawns in an emotional chess match against each other. I felt like I lived out of a suitcase when they finally separated. It makes sense that you feel awful right now. Have you heard of Maslow's hierarchy of needs? At the bottom of the pyramid, the base of every human's needs, are physical needs and a sense of safety. Your house is in turmoil and your body is constantly assessing your home's stability.

Vent all you want/need. You deserve to be able to express yourself freely.

I will try to. But its getting really hard.
My College teachers have been speaking with one another and a teaching assistant said to me that one of them has noticed how sad I look and how much negative stuff I say about myself...they are apparently "Worried" about me. But my brain doesn't want to believe that. And it shouldn't do because I'm just a nobody.
Not just that...staff members have noticed how much I've changed. They tell me how I used to be happy and chirpy but now I just seem down all of the time.
I can't believe I'm burdening everyone!
I'm worried about my own future and UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
ITS LIKE EVERYTHING IS JUST CAVING IN ON ME.

I'm...sorry for writing so much. And going off topic
I think I'm going to CTB with SN on Tuesday. I will see how things are going
(I am horrible at deadlines)
:(

There's a couple things you could try first. Running away, maybe. But that takes preparation, planning, and it could take a lot of money, so maybe not.
If you're still an (alleged) teen, you could bring some kind of CPS type thing to looking at your family. Especially with the kind of shit your sister watches? To me, it sounds like they're condoning it. That method would do the third most damage out of everything you could do that I can think of.
You could prove your case to them. Take a video proving some of the shit that's happening with your sister, get the little liar to admit to it on audio, and show your parents the YouTube history on the device your sister uses. This is probably the "best" method to solve this problem so far.
Lastly, you could just... end it all. But that takes a lot of planning, preparation, and it could take a lot of money, so... if you're willing to jump through these hoops to end it once and for all, you might as well try and run first.

I really hope you don't commit. There's a hell of a lot more to life than shitty parents who let their kids watch shit that ruins their minds or lets them contemplate ending their own life.

I know it sounds like I'm a teen lol I'm actually 18
The Social workers (CPS) actually turned up to "my house" like a few months ago?
They put words in my mouth like,
- Apparently I'm not getting hot food
(FFS I DO!!!)
- I don't have a warm jacket
(I DO! IM ATTACHED TO THIS 20TH CENTURY JACKET I NAMED ROGER)
- They wanted to look at my room (they saw nothing.)

My Mother still Bullies me about the Hot food thing until this day
she imitates me and my voice and says "oH I DoNt GEt AnY HoT FoOD aT hOmE"
And she laughs about it.

Keep in mind i thought the social workers were going to discuss about my mental health and stuff and at first I thought they had the wrong person.

I think I'm just gonna commit honestly.
Nobody cares. My parents won't care.
They already told me that they wouldn't care if I killed myself so I'm just gonna make things easier for them.
I'm giving My unwanted clothes + shoes to Charity, tidying up a bit so I don't have to worry about them finding something that I don't want them to find. I'm going to make up an excuse and give a gift back...perhaps with a few extras.

And I'm going to CTB with SN on Tuesday (2 days from now on) hopefully.
But I'm still undecided on where to do it. Because I'll be in college.
I might just do it in the college toilets
Or I might leave my stuff in class, say that I need the "toilet" and leave the college building so I can CTB in another location...

Sorry for the massive wall of text.

 

[wantingdignity]

You're not a burden. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to have people worried about you when you're not okay. If they are worried about you, that means that they would like to help but don't know how yet.

I don't know you, but from the posts I've seen, you seem like someone who cares and feels deeply. You seem like someone who has had to be strong for a while and is exhausted. You seem like a genuinely good person who is in pain. I hope venting has given you a little bit of relief.

Is there a way that you could stay with someone else for a while?

I know someone who has been suicidal and has not been getting better in therapy because of his abusive parents. He is going to a residential behavioral care place for a month next week. The hope is for him to finally be able to heal without his mother sabotaging his therapy to make it all about herself. I wonder if something like that is available in your country. Or if you could stay with a family member for a little while.

If you're at the point where you are genuinely considering dying, it is worth it to take risks to improve things first. Let the people that want to help you give it their best shot. Give yourself the resources to try to have the life you deserve - one where you are valued and safe. The option to die is not going away.

Sending you hugs from the US

 

[Pale_Rider]

It seems like an impossible situation. It is ugly in fact, but you'll laugh at it one day. Hate to be the devils advocate, but unless you have a really good reason ctb needs to be your last option.

 

[Wilt-On-High]

You're not a burden. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to have people worried about you when you're not okay. If they are worried about you, that means that they would like to help but don't know how yet.

I don't know you, but from the posts I've seen, you seem like someone who cares and feels deeply. You seem like someone who has had to be strong for a while and is exhausted. You seem like a genuinely good person who is in pain. I hope venting has given you a little bit of relief.

Is there a way that you could stay with someone else for a while?

I know someone who has been suicidal and has not been getting better in therapy because of his abusive parents. He is going to a residential behavioral care place for a month next week. The hope is for him to finally be able to heal without his mother sabotaging his therapy to make it all about herself. I wonder if something like that is available in your country. Or if you could stay with a family member for a little while.

If you're at the point where you are genuinely considering dying, it is worth it to take risks to improve things first. Let the people that want to help you give it their best shot. Give yourself the resources to try to have the life you deserve - one where you are valued and safe. The option to die is not going away.

Sending you hugs from the US

Thank you
I know it seems like my parents are making me feel down but really it's just me mainly.
I've been like this since I was young.

I forgot to mention that I think I should CTB also because I'm just dependant on everyone and I've given up on myself honestly...I've become really sluggish when it comes to personal hygiene and just...un motivated to do anything

 

[NiveusAnima]

I will try to. But its getting really hard.
My College teachers have been speaking with one another and a teaching assistant said to me that one of them has noticed how sad I look and how much negative stuff I say about myself...they are apparently "Worried" about me. But my brain doesn't want to believe that. And it shouldn't do because I'm just a nobody.
Not just that...staff members have noticed how much I've changed. They tell me how I used to be happy and chirpy but now I just seem down all of the time.
I can't believe I'm burdening everyone!
I'm worried about my own future and UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
ITS LIKE EVERYTHING IS JUST CAVING IN ON ME.

I'm...sorry for writing so much. And going off topic
I think I'm going to CTB with SN on Tuesday. I will see how things are going
(I am horrible at deadlines)
:(

I know it sounds like I'm a teen lol I'm actually 18
The Social workers (CPS) actually turned up to "my house" like a few months ago?
They put words in my mouth like,
- Apparently I'm not getting hot food
(FFS I DO!!!)
- I don't have a warm jacket
(I DO! IM ATTACHED TO THIS 20TH CENTURY JACKET I NAMED ROGER)
- They wanted to look at my room (they saw nothing.)

My Mother still Bullies me about the Hot food thing until this day
she imitates me and my voice and says "oH I DoNt GEt AnY HoT FoOD aT hOmE"
And she laughs about it.

Keep in mind i thought the social workers were going to discuss about my mental health and stuff and at first I thought they had the wrong person.

I think I'm just gonna commit honestly.
Nobody cares. My parents won't care.
They already told me that they wouldn't care if I killed myself so I'm just gonna make things easier for them.
I'm giving My unwanted clothes + shoes to Charity, tidying up a bit so I don't have to worry about them finding something that I don't want them to find. I'm going to make up an excuse and give a gift back...perhaps with a few extras.

And I'm going to CTB with SN on Tuesday (2 days from now on) hopefully.
But I'm still undecided on where to do it. Because I'll be in college.
I might just do it in the college toilets
Or I might leave my stuff in class, say that I need the "toilet" and leave the college building so I can CTB in another location...

Sorry for the massive wall of text.

Not off topic really, it pertains to the issues you're facing, making it important enough that I'm glad you mentioned it. It doesn't matter to me if it's a lot of text - I actually prefer it this way. It might sound weird, but I'm happy you're able to share so much! For me, some of the shit I've been through makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it, let alone writing it down or saying it out loud.

Don't mistake being a burden with people being concerned about you, okay? You matter more than you might think, even if it's just in small ways. It's easy to overlook how much an impact your death would cause, and it's even easier to feel like people won't care. The fact of the matter is that it'll hurt every person involved, yourself included. Sure, you'll be too busy being dead to really give a shit about being hurt, but I digress. Your parents are liars just as much as your sister, I can already tell. I wouldn't believe them if they told me they wouldn't care about my suicide, personally. They don't seem like very good parents to begin with, though....

Unfortunately, it's not me dealing with all this shit, and it's not something I can magically fix. I really wish I could. I wish I could be more than just words on a screen. You're one of the most relatable people I've "met" online, y'know? My favorite hoodie's name is Gerald (he's an old man now) and I felt like the world fell in on itself more than once now. I hate making people worry about me so much that I never stop smiling - this way, they might think I'm just some weirdly happy dude. And the deadlines thing? Fucking seriously. I have to set like, four alarms before every single event I do, cuz if I don't, I'm gonna forget like the fuckin airhead I am. I think the biggest thing I'm not really experienced with or relate to is college. I never even tried, so kudos to you for being able to stick through it this long!


I don't want you to die, Wilt. I don't really know you, and I don't understand a lot of your situation, but I dislike the idea of you dying at all, let alone committing. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't understand.
People call suicide selfish and shit, but that's the furthest thing from the truth. It's not about me taking something for myself, it's so I don't burden others. It's so I don't become a problem to the ones I care about... or even to people who don't deserve to deal with my pain.
To me, suicide is selfless. It's painful for those around you, but it's better than feeling like a poison rotting away and making them worse over time, making them degrade and rot as well. Who the hell donates to charity for themselves?? What a dumb concept.

I'm happy you're considering (or already considered) trying another path than CTB. I won't stop you, but even if your shitty family doesn't, I'll mourn you when you're gone. Gerald and I will be here, as always. Floating around the internet like a fucked-up looking ghost. <3 (platonic)

 

[Wilt-On-High]

Not off topic really, it pertains to the issues you're facing, making it important enough that I'm glad you mentioned it. It doesn't matter to me if it's a lot of text - I actually prefer it this way. It might sound weird, but I'm happy you're able to share so much! For me, some of the shit I've been through makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it, let alone writing it down or saying it out loud.

Don't mistake being a burden with people being concerned about you, okay? You matter more than you might think, even if it's just in small ways. It's easy to overlook how much an impact your death would cause, and it's even easier to feel like people won't care. The fact of the matter is that it'll hurt every person involved, yourself included. Sure, you'll be too busy being dead to really give a shit about being hurt, but I digress. Your parents are liars just as much as your sister, I can already tell. I wouldn't believe them if they told me they wouldn't care about my suicide, personally. They don't seem like very good parents to begin with, though....

Unfortunately, it's not me dealing with all this shit, and it's not something I can magically fix. I really wish I could. I wish I could be more than just words on a screen. You're one of the most relatable people I've "met" online, y'know? My favorite hoodie's name is Gerald (he's an old man now) and I felt like the world fell in on itself more than once now. I hate making people worry about me so much that I never stop smiling - this way, they might think I'm just some weirdly happy dude. And the deadlines thing? Fucking seriously. I have to set like, four alarms before every single event I do, cuz if I don't, I'm gonna forget like the fuckin airhead I am. I think the biggest thing I'm not really experienced with or relate to is college. I never even tried, so kudos to you for being able to stick through it this long!


I don't want you to die, Wilt. I don't really know you, and I don't understand a lot of your situation, but I dislike the idea of you dying at all, let alone committing. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't understand.
People call suicide selfish and shit, but that's the furthest thing from the truth. It's not about me taking something for myself, it's so I don't burden others. It's so I don't become a problem to the ones I care about... or even to people who don't deserve to deal with my pain.
To me, suicide is selfless. It's painful for those around you, but it's better than feeling like a poison rotting away and making them worse over time, making them degrade and rot as well. Who the hell donates to charity for themselves?? What a dumb concept.

I'm happy you're considering (or already considered) trying another path than CTB. I won't stop you, but even if your shitty family doesn't, I'll mourn you when you're gone. Gerald and I will be here, as always. Floating around the internet like a fucked-up looking ghost. <3 (platonic)

this is so touching
Thank you for this I really needed it
I think I might reconsider about CTB but right now there's still like a 95% Chance of me going through with it.
And if I do... I'm sorry :(

 

[NiveusAnima]

this is so touching
Thank you for this I really needed it
I think I might reconsider about CTB but right now there's still like a 95% Chance of me going through with it.
And if I do... I'm sorry :(

You don't need to apologize. This is a decision you've clearly spent time thinking about, not just some emotional thing. I respect your decision and I'll definitely mourn you, but it's your decision at the end of the day, y'know? At least, that's my take on it.

Unrelated, but sorry for not answering sooner, I've got narcolepsy lmao

With (platonic) love, Niv