Sorry for the rambling, venting first post but these past few months its felt that not a single soul actually hears me. I've struggled with these thoughts from childhood, around the time where parents let kids run around the neighborhood as long as they're home before the street lights come on. In the decades since, they've never been to far away, creeping up intermittently but circling like a shark knowing there is blood in the water.
I was closest about 14 years ago and had a week long stay in the hospital as my prize. Couldn't even have done that right. Since then I've been going through the motions until I got what I thought was my dream job, and maybe things would turn around. But these last few months have been a nightmare. I helped a coworker that I viewed as a protege get a promotion, and ever since, they've turned their back on me. I was asked to lead a project, but told to deliver in three months when other companies take 18. I asked another coworker to assist and help lead the project since I knew I couldn't do it alone, and they've stabbed me in the back. Everything I try bringing up to my boss falls on deaf ears. I get a visceral reaction when I get a work email alert or have to step foot in that godforsaken office.
At this point, nothing feels worth it, nothing I can do I right, and I've been predisposed to be a failure. I've been shedding weight like how some dogs shed fur. I feel the weakest I've ever been and have spent the past 36 hours in bed just trying to muster the energy to face another week, but it seems that'll be another failure on my end. I think it's always been in the back of my head that'll I ctb one day bit even now, the thought of failing on that front is devastating.
I was closest about 14 years ago and had a week long stay in the hospital as my prize. Couldn't even have done that right. Since then I've been going through the motions until I got what I thought was my dream job, and maybe things would turn around. But these last few months have been a nightmare. I helped a coworker that I viewed as a protege get a promotion, and ever since, they've turned their back on me. I was asked to lead a project, but told to deliver in three months when other companies take 18. I asked another coworker to assist and help lead the project since I knew I couldn't do it alone, and they've stabbed me in the back. Everything I try bringing up to my boss falls on deaf ears. I get a visceral reaction when I get a work email alert or have to step foot in that godforsaken office.
At this point, nothing feels worth it, nothing I can do I right, and I've been predisposed to be a failure. I've been shedding weight like how some dogs shed fur. I feel the weakest I've ever been and have spent the past 36 hours in bed just trying to muster the energy to face another week, but it seems that'll be another failure on my end. I think it's always been in the back of my head that'll I ctb one day bit even now, the thought of failing on that front is devastating.
