Cant sleep need to rant

[Asiam]

I had super cheap bedroom with an attached kitchen when my family was evicted. I found it through a friend. My mom ended up homeless and I saved my sister by asking the lady I rented from if she could sleep in the room with me. She said only for a few months, but she stayed and never left.

Years later I started having panic attacks and lost my job. During a panic attack, where I had drank half a 750ml of vodka, my friend asked me to move in with him. No, he pressured me intensely actually. All while I was hyperventilating and drunk. I said no and that I couldn't afford to live anywhere else at least five times, and eventually he promised me he'd get me on disability before he moved out. I said okay and came here the next day because "or else you'd change your mind" friend said.


Now that friend is moving and I'm nowhere near to disability. The rent here is 1200 whereas it was 400 where I came from and easily liveable while I'm struggling with panic attacks. Also the owner of the building might sell the place.

I ask my sister if I can come back, seeing as I did the same for her, and she says no. She insults me says I'm entitled. No, I just expected you to have a heart.

When I off myself, as terrible as it sounds, I want her to know i wouldn't have done it if she'd have let me back. There is no other housing in Vancouver bc. Average is 1500 for a 1 bedroom. I have nowhere to go, not on disability, and still struggling with said disability.

I'm so angry she won't let me back because that's all it would take to stop this. But I can't say that or it's ooo "emotional Manipulation". No, it's just that I'm hopeless and you hold the only option for my survival.

Am I wrong to be so ridiculously angry?


I'm also angry that her life is so damn easy. When I let her stay, she paid 0 rent for two years so that SHE could get on disability. She's not even incapable of working, she doesn't belong on disability. She applied when she was an addict, because it interfered with her work. Now she's got 40k savings because of what I've done for her, given her free housing, a platform I don't have to apply, and cheap housing now that I supplied. She doesn't work and still saves, she has the one place a person can survive not working on benefits, and she won't help out an actually work challenged family member. Dare I say I hate her.

 

[almaranthine]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I too am facing a personal housing crisis and I'm very hopeless at this point. My mother lives alone in a nice home with an extra bedroom that she used to rent to me, but she is unwilling to let me move back. The only other option I have is going to live with an uncle, but he is manipulative and abusive, and has assaulted me twice in the past so I'm pretty scared of him. I am angry that my life has come to this... that my mom could help me but refuses. When I'm dead she'll feel guilty and probably lie to everyone saying I could have just lived with her. I don't have any advice to give in this situation other than what people have said to me, "maybe you can advertise for a roommate" or "maybe there is low income housing you can apply for." I'm sorry you are in a similar desperate situation as me. I'm sorry your sister is being so cold and uncaring and refuses to help you. I'm sorry you're here, contemplating your end, like I am because you cannot afford the basic necessities. It shouldn't be like this.

 

[SarRy]

Sounds terrible. I reckon that would all make a person mad. Still, it's not a good move to cut off the nose to spite the face.

With that being said, I hope you find peace.

 

[Asiam]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I too am facing a personal housing crisis and I'm very hopeless at this point. My mother lives alone in a nice home with an extra bedroom that she used to rent to me, but she is unwilling to let me move back. The only other option I have is going to live with an uncle, but he is manipulative and abusive, and has assaulted me twice in the past so I'm pretty scared of him. I am angry that my life has come to this... that my mom could help me but refuses. When I'm dead she'll feel guilty and probably lie to everyone saying I could have just lived with her. I don't have any advice to give in this situation other than what people have said to me, "maybe you can advertise for a roommate" or "maybe there is low income housing you can apply for." I'm sorry you are in a similar desperate situation as me. I'm sorry your sister is being so cold and uncaring and refuses to help you. I'm sorry you're here, contemplating your end, like I am because you cannot afford the basic necessities. It shouldn't be like this.

I'm sorry you're going through this too. Family has become a cold and distant thing compared to what it used to be. I've always believed in unconditional love and putting family way above myself, lent my mom 10k she didn't pay back when I was 20, bad credit. Let my sis stay, no help back. I think it's becoming rarer to just unconditionally love and assist somebody. Why won't your mom let you back, what's her reasoning? In my opinion there is no excuse for not helping somebody out of a personal crisis.

Unfortunately low income housing has a 12-15 year wait list where I live lol

 

[almaranthine]

I'm sorry you're going through this too. Family has become a cold and distant thing compared to what it used to be. I've always believed in unconditional love and putting family way above myself, lent my mom 10k she didn't pay back when I was 20, bad credit. Let my sis stay, no help back. I think it's becoming rarer to just unconditionally love and assist somebody. Why won't your mom let you back, what's her reasoning? In my opinion there is no excuse for not helping somebody out of a personal crisis.

Unfortunately low income housing has a 12-15 year wait list where I live lol

Yeah, people around me seem to think you just apply for low income and a month later you get a place... doesn't work like that unfortunately. And idk, I didn't do anything terrible when I lived with her in the past. I was "late" on my rent a few times, and started coming home late because I was drinking with a friend she didn't approve of. Despite being well over 21 she didn't want me consuming alcohol in her home for religious reasons so I did it elsewhere and this upset her I guess.

 

[Teddybear]

Long time ago I made myself a rule for offering help to other people: Never expect *anything* back.

I saw it with my mom, who always kept a very(!) detailed list of what she did when for whom. And the moment she didn't receive the expected payback, she had herself an epic meltdown. This kind of "charity with a receipt attached" is a self-defeating proposition. For people are people and that means they'll remember the same moment differently than we do, each so that (s)he turns out to be the hero and anyone else to be the bad guy.

At best you make them shut the door in front of you at worst they'll tell you "never to come back". So whatever aid I give to others (and I gave a lot) I just consider it spilled milk and never mention it again.

Your housing situation sucks, but its the same in most places in the Western world. The ruling elites have decided that "we" (=the schmucks) have to tighten our belt until each breath hurts like hell. And while inflation hovers at or above 10% I see no end in sight for that. :(

 

[Asiam]

Long time ago I made myself a rule for offering help to other people: Never expect *anything* back.

I saw it with my mom, who always kept a very(!) detailed list of what she did when for whom. And the moment she didn't receive the expected payback, she had herself an epic meltdown. This kind of "charity with a receipt attached" is a self-defeating proposition. For people are people and that means they'll remember the same moment differently than we do, each so that (s)he turns out to be the hero and anyone else to be the bad guy.

At best you make them shut the door in front of you at worst they'll tell you "never to come back". So whatever aid I give to others (and I gave a lot) I just consider it spilled milk and never mention it again.

Your housing situation sucks, but its the same in most places in the Western world. The ruling elites have decided that "we" (=the schmucks) have to tighten our belt until each breath hurts like hell. And while inflation hovers at or above 10% I see no end in sight for that. :(

I had the same rule, but I guess I assumed if I really needed it I had a family that would help. I'm 30 now and have never asked for anything from my family, be it financial, emotional, what have you. Essentially my door to disability just shut because you have to make under a certain amount to get it, and that's below average rent and the rent here, so I don't really see a way out here because I'm still unable to work full time.

I find it hard to believe it's the same everywhere. We have a severe housing shortage, millions of people less than houses and average house is 1.5 million now. My dad moved to the states to escape this and now owns a home for under 50k.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like such an awful and stressful situation to be in, it's really understandable as to why you would feel so angry. The unfortunate reality is that there is simply nothing fair about any of this and in this world there is far too much unnecessary suffering that exists.

 

[BlazingBob]

Lack of housing will be the final nail for me. I have 'family' who could help including my wealthy father but that's not their job or problem. I'm too sick to pull my own weight and deserve to die. I wish like most people on here that we had peaceful options but given that society and humanity in general is twisted and sadistic my end will probably be violent and ugly.

 

[Teddybear]

Lack of housing will be the final nail for me. I have 'family' who could help including my wealthy father but that's not their job or problem. I'm too sick to pull my own weight and deserve to die. I wish like most people on here that we had peaceful options but given that society and humanity in general is twisted and sadistic my end will probably be violent and ugly.

It *is* your father's job to be there for you. The moment he put you into this world he accepted the responsibility for your well being. And the world is full of well to do people who *never* "pulled their own weight".

 

[Asiam]

It *is* your father's job to be there for you. The moment he put you into this world he accepted the responsibility for your well being. And the world is full of well to do people who *never* "pulled their own weight".

This helped me to read vicariously because my dad ditched his kids and switched countries when we were 11,13 and 14. Hard to watch him live a happy life as an engineer while our family struggled with homelessness. I never blamed him until I realized I was fucked about a year ago, and realized how it was a direct result of him leaving to a place we aren't allowed to live. I want to tell him something along the lines of what you've just said, but I don't know how

 

[Teddybear]

This helped me to read vicariously because my dad ditched his kids and switched countries when we were 11,13 and 14. Hard to watch him live a happy life as an engineer while our family struggled with homelessness. I never blamed him until I realized I was fucked about a year ago, and realized how it was a direct result of him leaving to a place we aren't allowed to live. I want to tell him something along the lines of what you've just said, but I don't know how

I wrote a book about my own f*cked up childhood, self-published it and send my mom a copy. I tried to stay as honest as I could, because I was no hero in that story. Just a kid that got handed a shitty deck of cards from day one and failed to turn that crap into a bunch of roses. People can smell self pity and they routinely don't like what it does to their noses.

But if you tell your story straight and shine the light of truth on all sides with equal harshness you can let those around you know, that you won't take those dirty family secrets with you to the grave. We didn't chose to be put into this world and they won't allow us to leave either. So they got no reason to complain, if we air their dirty laundry in broad daylight - not as long as we hang ours right next to theirs.