Can't even find the motivation to CTB

[CopingWithSenility]

I am desperate to CTB. But I simply do not have the energy to even try securing the means of a safe and effective way to CTB. I have felt like this for weeks but I simply cannot find the motivation to finally start gathering what is necessary for an SN attempt. I have thought of jumping, hanging and ODs but they are clearly not as effective (minus partial hanging but I do not have the means to do it). How do you find the motivation or the energy to finally end your life when you cant bear it anymore? I wish someone would put me out of my misery with their own hand sometimes. I wish it was easy. I wish I could find that last bit of fight in me so I can CTB and rest in peace. Is there anything you have done that has helped you gather both the courage and the motivation to CTB?