Yesterday I met 2 comedians I have been completely obsessed with for years. I was excited. I had fun at the show. But pretty shortly after it felt completely hollow and meaningless. It just, happened to me, and that was it. No lingering joy, no elation or anything like that. I just went back to my hotel. Couldn't sleep at all, maybe got 4 hours. In the morning my best online friend posted on being depressed and has basically just been completely offline. Spam texted them. Started just sobbing uncontrollably for like 2 hours. Full breakdown. Might have been a panic attack? I don't know. Was very difficult to stop. I think I was just so tired and exhausted and overwhelmed. This also sort of culminated in me very shittily trying to kill myself by trying to open my hotel window and jump. It wouldn't open all the way, fucking of course. So I didn't do that. And then I have been a huge dick to my dad who very kindly drove me here and attending these events with me. Im actually seeing the 2 comedians again today at a studio taping, and I'm not happy at all. Im still tearful and sad and miserable. What the point of any of it if I'm not happy. Fucking useless cunt.
^That was written before I saw the taping.
This is the update:
Yeah. Went to the live taping. They were there. I can't remember any of it really, I am so tired. Didn't feel like much. Was almost crying when we were waiting, getting let. Not from excitement, just from being fucking sad. Big fucking weekend and for what. On the way home and I just feel like crying etc etc etc. what was the point of any of it.
I think I am realizing some things about my life, mainly that everything I care about is pointless including everything this weekend, that nothing can make me happy, and that my qualms about how killing myself makes me a bad person doesn't matter because I will never feel like a good person ever. I think I am incapable of true human connection, only fleeting things or unhealthy attachment and obsession. I think I try to tell myself it's love, but if it is love it is not useful or human or good. I think everything I feel is disgusting and I am disgusting. I feel like the most shittiest person alive to have had the chance to get to meet these comedians and see them live TWICE and I can't even feel happy about it. The best luck in the world. I can't even feel happy.
^That was written before I saw the taping.
This is the update:
Yeah. Went to the live taping. They were there. I can't remember any of it really, I am so tired. Didn't feel like much. Was almost crying when we were waiting, getting let. Not from excitement, just from being fucking sad. Big fucking weekend and for what. On the way home and I just feel like crying etc etc etc. what was the point of any of it.
I think I am realizing some things about my life, mainly that everything I care about is pointless including everything this weekend, that nothing can make me happy, and that my qualms about how killing myself makes me a bad person doesn't matter because I will never feel like a good person ever. I think I am incapable of true human connection, only fleeting things or unhealthy attachment and obsession. I think I try to tell myself it's love, but if it is love it is not useful or human or good. I think everything I feel is disgusting and I am disgusting. I feel like the most shittiest person alive to have had the chance to get to meet these comedians and see them live TWICE and I can't even feel happy about it. The best luck in the world. I can't even feel happy.
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