Discussion Cant even be bothered to CTB?

[Viceroy]

Anyone else have persistent underlying feelings of not living but cant be bothered to do it so ur just in between an uncomfortable, empty life and a neverending voice of 'just die already'? Im not even sad, I just cant be bothered doing anything anymore, even researching and planning death. I dont think im depressed I just feel like my life has pretty much ended already after 10 years of complete shitty static disabled life. I literally have nothing left to look forward to and everything I wanted to ever do was taken from me. Now I don't know whats going on or who I am anymore. Would be better to just pass away in my sleep and put an end to the chapter. Im so mentally fucked up after all this that I've got more problems than I know how to deal with (silly problems that only come about when someones life is so messed up) and I just get more and more the older I get. Dying always scared me for the 10 years I wanted to die, but recently its become a good, relaxing feeling. Like something that should be done instead of going thru now a long long time in even more pain/loss. I dont think my existence is humane or worthwhile at the point. Isn't it better to go with some grace and dignitiy rather than spend needless years wasting away more and more until one day you realize that your life and story has been completely wrecked?

I wish we could just die in peace, easily with dignity. Instead we have to suffer and take it into our own hands which often fails.

If I try and fail im sure ill be thrown into a pysch hosp and forced to say that im 'depressed' before they'd let me go. Antidepressents always made me feel awful so I dont wanna fail and be forced to take them when they wont help cause at the end of the day its a life problem not a 'mood' problem.

 

[Silvermorning]

Maybe you aren't desperate enough yet to pass into action, that's all. Don't be too hard on yourself, remember there are no winnners in this bad game called life. We all kick the bucket in the end!

Hugs.