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bussy

bussy

“my sin, my soul”
Mar 30, 2023
56
everything is so so frustrating, im constantly being nagged about what academic course ill be taking, what future career im working towards.
at this point, theres nothing i want to do. i have no future goals or aspirations, no life long dream i want to achieve.

i dont understand myself, i want to die but i also want to live, even when i have nothing to live for.
i love my parents but at the same time i despise them. i know they love too me but they just dont understand the stress theyre putting on me.
i feel like i should ctb just to spite them, but again, at the same time i dont want to put them through something that traumatic.
yet, i dont even think im viewed as a daughter to them. if im not academically successful, then im pretty much useless. im only defined by my grades.

im not even going to uni yet im still pushing myself to study for my exams, i dont even need them once im dead
my entire life, ive been chasing validation from them. although now that i have already messed up my future, whats the point??? im just wasting time until i finally ctb.

i hate myself and these conflicting feelings. why do i care about how they view me so much.
 
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LaVieEnRose

LaVieEnRose

Illuminated
Jul 23, 2022
3,842
Caring about how our parents view us is pretty deeply embedded in us. That's why the effects of parental abuse can be so devastating. It's definitely very common to have mixed feelings towards them.

Did you ever any dreams or goals in the past even if nowadays you no longer care about them?

You sound quite young so your future is definitely not wrecked for good.

Don't kill yourself just to spite them. Do you have anyone else to talk to about this? And as painful as if is I would still advise you to keep on a normal course as best you can. You don't want to make things worse for yourself if you can help it (said from experience!).
 
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B

betternever2havbeen

Elementalist
Jun 19, 2022
860
They do sound overbearing but tbh I had parents the opposite of that who just let me drop out of uni and do the bare minimum (or nothing) and I'm in a VERY bad position now with no options. I don't blame my parents for that it was all my own doing but I think parents do have to give some tough love at some point if they think you're not reaching your potential. They just want the best for you. Why do you think you've messed up your future?

Is there anything you'd want to do? Have you talked to them about giving you some space to figure things out and that they're making you more stressed?

I only really agree with the title of your post in extreme circumstances (like major addiction issues causing non-stop stress and worry to parents) and even in those circumstances I'm sure parents would still want their kids to live and get help. I just think its not always possible, but certainly that's not your situation at all.
 
locked*n*loaded

locked*n*loaded

Archangel
Apr 15, 2022
6,077
Caring about how our parents view us is pretty deeply embedded in us. That's why the effects of parental abuse can be so devastating. It's definitely very common to have mixed feelings towards them.

Did you ever any dreams or goals in the past even if nowadays you no longer care about them?

You sound quote young so your future is definitely not wrecked for good.

Don't kill yourself just to spite them. Do you have anyone else to talk to about this? And as painful as if is I would still advise you to keep on a normal course as best you can. You don't want to make things worse for yourself if you can help it (said from experience!).
OP: You should heed this advice. This is good advice.
 
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lizzywizzy09

Specialist
May 11, 2024
359
everything is so so frustrating, im constantly being nagged about what academic course ill be taking, what future career im working towards.
at this point, theres nothing i want to do. i have no future goals or aspirations, no life long dream i want to achieve.

i dont understand myself, i want to die but i also want to live, even when i have nothing to live for.
i love my parents but at the same time i despise them. i know they love too me but they just dont understand the stress theyre putting on me.
i feel like i should ctb just to spite them, but again, at the same time i dont want to put them through something that traumatic.
yet, i dont even think im viewed as a daughter to them. if im not academically successful, then im pretty much useless. im only defined by my grades.

im not even going to uni yet im still pushing myself to study for my exams, i dont even need them once im dead
my entire life, ive been chasing validation from them. although now that i have already messed up my future, whats the point??? im just wasting time until i finally ctb.

i hate myself and these conflicting feelings. why do i care about how they view me so much.
Don't make the mistake I did. Do NOT let your parents ruin your life. In the long run, this is your life, not theirs. I'm not telling you whether or not to ctb but please don't let your parents be the deciding factor. You're so young and can go no contact if you desire in the future.
 
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permanently tired

permanently tired

Rather die than let you see me break
Nov 8, 2023
104
everything is so so frustrating, im constantly being nagged about what academic course ill be taking, what future career im working towards.
at this point, theres nothing i want to do. i have no future goals or aspirations, no life long dream i want to achieve.

i dont understand myself, i want to die but i also want to live, even when i have nothing to live for.
i love my parents but at the same time i despise them. i know they love too me but they just dont understand the stress theyre putting on me.
i feel like i should ctb just to spite them, but again, at the same time i dont want to put them through something that traumatic.
yet, i dont even think im viewed as a daughter to them. if im not academically successful, then im pretty much useless. im only defined by my grades.

im not even going to uni yet im still pushing myself to study for my exams, i dont even need them once im dead
my entire life, ive been chasing validation from them. although now that i have already messed up my future, whats the point??? im just wasting time until i finally ctb.

i hate myself and these conflicting feelings. why do i care about how they view me so much.
My experience growing up is something along these lines. I always chased that validation and I felt coerced to apply to college and graduate etc... I was there for one semester (dormed), a few months ago before I just imploded and I had no choice but to tell them that I wanted to kill myself. I did my best to avoid telling them, I was homeless for a day and slept in the nyc subway until I found my way to shelter. I got really lucky since it's normally full. After a series of complicated events my parents found out and I moved back with them. I've basically been a neet for the past 3 months and I've gone through a rollercoaster of emotions. The thought of dying to spite them has occurred to me, I blame them for my emotional instability (bpd) and I want them to feel the pain that I feel. I'm not sure how I'll feel a few weeks from now, but for currently I've settled on indifference. I don't care what happens to them or how they feel. I don't have the same parents as you so I'm unaware of the dynamic of your relationship, but mine do care and in the past I cared too. My mother and I fought constantly and that feeling of love being replaced by hate (betrayal?) so often is damaging. I don't rlly know if she's the cause of my bpd but I attribute some of it to her. My mother realizes her mistakes though and asked me one night if we could start again and I told her to just forget about me. You have to make a choice between them and yourself. After I came to the realization, it's easier to detach from them despite their efforts to rebuild.
 
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bussy

bussy

“my sin, my soul”
Mar 30, 2023
56
Caring about how our parents view us is pretty deeply embedded in us. That's why the effects of parental abuse can be so devastating. It's definitely very common to have mixed feelings towards them.

Did you ever any dreams or goals in the past even if nowadays you no longer care about them?

You sound quite young so your future is definitely not wrecked for good.

Don't kill yourself just to spite them. Do you have anyone else to talk to about this? And as painful as if is I would still advise you to keep on a normal course as best you can. You don't want to make things worse for yourself if you can help it (said from experience!).
its to the point where i cant even remember what goals or dreams i had in the past. although i guess all i really want is just living a simple, quiet life. and for my parents to be proud of me lol. nothing more, nothing less. ill be satisfied as long as i can achieve the latter.

im very unsure on telling someone, i dont want them to view me differently or pity me. as well as i dont want to burden them with my problems.

im going to finish the year of college i have coming up, and i guess ill just see where i go from there.
thank you for the advice. and sorry for the late reply.
They do sound overbearing but tbh I had parents the opposite of that who just let me drop out of uni and do the bare minimum (or nothing) and I'm in a VERY bad position now with no options. I don't blame my parents for that it was all my own doing but I think parents do have to give some tough love at some point if they think you're not reaching your potential. They just want the best for you. Why do you think you've messed up your future?

Is there anything you'd want to do? Have you talked to them about giving you some space to figure things out and that they're making you more stressed?

I only really agree with the title of your post in extreme circumstances (like major addiction issues causing non-stop stress and worry to parents) and even in those circumstances I'm sure parents would still want their kids to live and get help. I just think its not always possible, but certainly that's not your situation at all.
i only think ive messed up my future, as it is not the future they want for me. which is really stupid i know lol
im honestly a really lazy person, theres nothing i want to do anymore. all i do is just play video games and browse the internet.

talking to them will not result in anything. they are really traditional and i mean REALLY.
one time my mum noticed my SH scars and called me crazy for doing that to myself. she later went ahead and told everyone in the family, to which i got mocked by all my siblings. she also does not believe in therapy, since she thinks mental illness is just being "crazy". she doesnt take these things seriously, one time i told her i wanted to ctb, and she just called me sick in the head.

sorry for the small rant.
 
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eatantz

eatantz

I luv dolls
Nov 4, 2023
450
I've never related to a post more!!! You wrote exactly how i feel. I keep trying to fool myself that i can recover but i know the reality is that i have to ctb.
 
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LaVieEnRose

LaVieEnRose

Illuminated
Jul 23, 2022
3,842
its to the point where i cant even remember what goals or dreams i had in the past. although i guess all i really want is just living a simple, quiet life. and for my parents to be proud of me lol. nothing more, nothing less. ill be satisfied as long as i can achieve the latter.

im very unsure on telling someone, i dont want them to view me differently or pity me. as well as i dont want to burden them with my problems.

im going to finish the year of college i have coming up, and i guess ill just see where i go from there.
thank you for the advice. and sorry for the late reply.

i only think ive messed up my future, as it is not the future they want for me. which is really stupid i know lol
im honestly a really lazy person, theres nothing i want to do anymore. all i do is just play video games and browse the internet.

talking to them will not result in anything. they are really traditional and i mean REALLY.
one time my mum noticed my SH scars and called me crazy for doing that to myself. she later went ahead and told everyone in the family, to which i got mocked by all my siblings. she also does not believe in therapy, since she thinks mental illness is just being "crazy". she doesnt take these things seriously, one time i told her i wanted to ctb, and she just called me sick in the head.

sorry for the small rant.
Making your happiness contingent on other people's views of your life is a recipe for stress. But it's understandable why you want your parents to be proud of you. I hope with time how you can come to prioritize your own feelings about yourself.
 
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