Venting Cain

[happy1234]

I used to like to think I was a reasonably kind person with patience and empathy. But after being twisted into a shell/ghoul of sorts from pure anguish I find myself feeling like a black hole of hate. I want to kill and hurt now. Kill those who have abused me and wronged me. I know its a foolish and counter productive thing, but I cant stop the constant flood of murderous thoughts. I compulsively envision how im going to make it painful as possible for them and it hurts my head too. I know its an immature defense mechanism of sorts but i dont know nowadays. I feel like i could actually commit unspeakable acts now after experiencing unspeakable things mentally. Its scary to think i can understand the thought process behind murderers now, what I once thought was an impossible act. Aren't all suicidal people 'murderous' anyways why not let that self directed anger spill out towards those who deserve it karmicaly. I dont mean to sound like an angsty school shooter, I just have this torturous rage and maybe by typing it out it will quell it some.
Those who are so secure and maliciously oblivious to the pain they cause, guarded by their personal consciousness bubbles, blessed by the 'how you process reality' lottery. If they are not able to experience terrible awareness and accountability they should at least know physical anguish. The great equalizer

 

[itsgone2]

I know what you mean. Regrets over past mistakes are a big reason I'm here, but I've also been wronged. It's hard to not want revenge.

 

[rainatthebusstop]

Honestly the more time you spend getting hurt, the more you want to hurt people back. It's got nothing to do with patience or empathy because those do eventually run out. Even a worm will turn on you if you wrong it enough.

Is it childish? Maybe. But the reason we as a species like catharrsis so much is that we have a sense of justice and wish to see evil get punished and good deeds get rewarded.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Aren't all suicidal people 'murderous' anyways

No. Murder is the intentional taking of a life of another. Killing of oneself is not murder, nor does it make one murderous.

 

[annointed_towers]

This is very interesting.
I feel this way but toward myself. I trace my condition and the fact that I am here to one man, an ex boyfriend who destroyed me. And perhaps he would not have destroyed me if my father had not destroyed me first.

Now all that violence and misanthropy and anger I turn inward. I'm not able (Abel, ha) to wish or dream harm on even those who have wronged me. Even as a shell of my former self, it's just not an impulse of mine, though I certainly understand how it can happen, and that is why I have a nuanced view of those who do commit violence. Not an excuse, but I think we lie to ourselves if we pretend we don't understand how it becomes possible.

Now, despite the fact that I'm sexless, my sexual fantasies have turned violent and dark, and have exponentially increased in direct correlation with developing a chronic, disabling pain that has turned me into a ghost.

I was always submissive, but now I am, according to my BDSM test results, a degradee, a masochist, and someone who likes humiliation. I try not to shame kink or pathologize it, but I wonder if it's not a subconscious desire to torture myself, to inflict pain I feel I must deserve, for doing something, some transgression.

And this also reminds me of a short poem or at least an excerpt of one that I have saved deep in my Pinterest. Something about how the author or speaker prefers Cain over Abel, because at least Cain was funny and sarcastic: "am I not my brother's keeper?"

 

[happy1234]

This is very interesting.
I feel this way but toward myself. I trace my condition and the fact that I am here to one man, an ex boyfriend who destroyed me. And perhaps he would not have destroyed me if my father had not destroyed me first.

Now all that violence and misanthropy and anger I turn inward. I'm not able (Abel, ha) to wish or dream harm on even those who have wronged me. Even as a shell of my former self, it's just not an impulse of mine, though I certainly understand how it can happen, and that is why I have a nuanced view of those who do commit violence. Not an excuse, but I think we lie to ourselves if we pretend we don't understand how it becomes possible.

Now, despite the fact that I'm sexless, my sexual fantasies have turned violent and dark, and have exponentially increased in direct correlation with developing a chronic, disabling pain that has turned me into a ghost.

I was always submissive, but now I am, according to my BDSM test results, a degradee, a masochist, and someone who likes humiliation. I try not to shame kink or pathologize it, but I wonder if it's not a subconscious desire to torture myself, to inflict pain I feel I must deserve, for doing something, some transgression.

And this also reminds me of a short poem or at least an excerpt of one that I have saved deep in my Pinterest. Something about how the author or speaker prefers Cain over Abel, because at least Cain was funny and sarcastic: "am I not my brother's keeper?"

"And perhaps he would not have destroyed me if my father had not destroyed me first."
It really does seem as if everything leads back to the generational curses and transgressions of our forefathers. I too was once someone who converted all anger inwardly, manifesting in both physical and spiritual self harm. But it seems as if the unconscious contents have reached a maximum capacity where it has flipped to balance itself in a strangely self protective way. I also relate to how ones libido, which is ones life energy, can turn into a monster when it cannot be directed into more creative mediums.