Break up before my CTB then got a call from the suicide prevention line

[Ellipsis]

Being in a relationship, I had several options : to break up before CTB, CTB without warning or explaining things a little. I decided to break up with her but explaining things a bit (while remaining vague) to be honest. In fact she had always known my desire to leave and had always told me that she would respect my choice and that she would let me go my own way. So I said that I don't feel well at the moment, I want to take time for myself, to have peace, to be quiet. I didn't feel like continuing the relationship in my condition. So I told her she shouldn't stay with me and find a new boyfriend who loves life.

In the end, it degenerated and the next day I was surprised to receive a call from the suicide line, telling me that one of my friends had called the emergency room because she thought I was going to kill myself. So they wanted to talk to me on the phone to see if everything was okay. I said yes of course everything is going well, that she hadn't digested the breakup, that I was seeing a psychiatrist, that I had medication, that I was planning to go see friends to get better. The person on the phone swallowed it all.

I feel deeply betrayed, I am angry, disgusted. I have a deep hatred, I want to scream at her everything I think. I decided not to do anything. But I'm very scared. I'm going to have to leave my home for a few days and I'm very afraid that someone will come in and search. I am completely paronic. I am unable to leave my house. I threw away the drugs, hid the antiemetics, propranolol and the SN.

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

My advice would be to try to take a step back and calm down a bit. Easier said than done I know.
I don't think anybody would come search your house, given the way you described that phone conversation. Hiding your stuff is probably wise regardless, but I don't think you should torture yourself over something that most likely won't happen.
As for your ex, try to see it from their point of view. I doubt it was a malicious act. It was the act of someone who cares about you and doesn't want you to die. I know that might not be what you wanted them to do, believe me, but try to see it for what it was. It's one thing to say that you're ok with someone you love committing suicide, but it's very different when you're faced with that as a reality. Unless they've been in your frame of mind, it's not something they could ever really understand, let alone accept.
I really feel for you. I've been in your situation and it's very distressing. But at least you have someone that cares about you enough to try to save you, even if that isn't what you want.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that this shows that you cannot really trust people, especially when it's anything relating to plans or even wishes to ctb. Unfortunately in the world that we exist in suicide is so unnecessarily stigmatised and I would always personally see it as best to keep quiet. But I understand why you would feel so frustrated at being betrayed like that, I so hate this society that doesn't respect the individuals right to die and is so focused on prolonging suffering instead. That sounds like a really stressful situation to be in but I do wish you the best.

 

[makethepainstop]

Ex-files 101, "Trust no one."

 

[SamTam33]

At their core, people are shit.

And every single person you've ever known will betray you if they're around long enough. Parents, siblings, coworkers - everyone.

The rage that comes from someone betraying you like that.... I don't know if/when it goes away.

 

[Mofreeko]

In the words of Benjamin Franklin, "Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead."

 

[whatevs]

At their core, people are shit.

And every single person you've ever known will betray you if they're around long enough. Parents, siblings, coworkers - everyone.

The rage that comes from someone betraying you like that.... I don't know if/when it goes away.

Except that this person wanted to fucking help OP, they just couldn't fathom that sometimes death can be the best option.

 

[Ellipsis]

Exactly, I feel particularly stupid for doing that, I should have said nothing. I'm really very afraid that she will warn other people, for example my brother, my parents, because I only have this opportunity to CTB. It could be much more complicated. I feel so stupid.

All of these elements put me in total panic even if I have to keep a cool head and pray that nothing will happen until the end of the week. I'm really scared for this trip. I'm thinking of putting the SN in a classic salt shaker or pot of salt. Medications for CTB purposes will be hidden as well.

 

[SamTam33]

Except that this person wanted to fucking help OP, they just couldn't fathom that sometimes death can be the best option.

Help and betrayal aren't mutually exclusive. You can claim you're just trying to "help" and it still be an act of betrayal.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Can you rent some type of storage locker and put your supplies there for a while?

 

[Ellipsis]

Can you rent some type of storage locker and put your supplies there for a while?

Sounds like a good idea. Afterwards, the problem is that tomorrow, I will be traveling for a few days. I don't have much time to take out this type of contract. I count CTB the day after I get home. I also don't have much furniture to store for fakes other than clothes. I imagine it would be weird for someone to store clothes and that's it.

I'm really scared, it smells bad.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Sounds like a good idea. Afterwards, the problem is that tomorrow, I will be traveling for a few days. I don't have much time to take out this type of contract. I count CTB the day after I get home. I also don't have much furniture to store for fakes other than clothes. I imagine it would be weird for someone to store clothes and that's it.

I'm really scared, it smells bad.

You can rent storage lockers at the bus station. They're usually coin-op. No contracts involved. Don't need a "cover" of storing furniture or clothes. Put whatever you want into the locker, and retrieve it when needed. That's how it used to be, anyway. Haven't been to a bus station in a while, but really see no reason for it to have changed. You can rent Postal boxes, too. I wouldn't think it would be a problem if you didn't supply the address of the box to anyone, so you wouldn't get mail there, therefore no postal employee would need to open your box. Boxes are accessible 24/7 after you rent one. You have options. Hell, bury it in your backyard in a watertight box. Do you have a car that only you can access? Put the stuff in your trunk.

 

[Ellipsis]

You can rent storage lockers at the bus station. They're usually coin-op. No contracts involved. Don't need a "cover" of storing furniture or clothes. Put whatever you want into the locker, and retrieve it when needed. That's how it used to be, anyway. Haven't been to a bus station in a while, but really see no reason for it to have changed. You can rent Postal boxes, too. I wouldn't think it would be a problem if you didn't supply the address of the box to anyone, so you wouldn't get mail there, therefore no postal employee would need to open your box. Boxes are accessible 24/7 after you rent one. You have options. Hell, bury it in your backyard in a watertight box. Do you have a car that only you can access? Put the stuff in your trunk.

I have no garden, no car. I can always bury it in a forest if need be but it is quite busy. For now, imagine putting the SN in a printer, or taping it behind a wall, under a kitchen cabinet. There are also ventilation grilles. Also in the kitchen hood.

I'm in the process of finding out about luggage lockers at stations. I have the impression that it is quite supervised that would not surprise me in my country where everything is controlled. Maybe I should go to the station to see it more closely. Apparently there are security guards and lockers are only available at certain

 

[locked*n*loaded]

that it is quite supervised that would not surprise me in my country where everything is controlled.

That certainly can change things and may dictate what you are / are not able to do. I hope you can fine a workable solution.

 

[Ellipsis]

That certainly can change things and may dictate what you are / are not able to do. I hope you can fine a workable solution.

I hope too. I wonder if since this call, I shouldn't get back in touch with her and reassure her that everything is fine and all that even if it means lying. That she may have misunderstood my intentions, that what she doesn't know is that I have things planned for December and all the rest. It is imperative that I arrive at CTB.

 

[almaranthine]

It's really upsetting that someone who specifically told you that they would respect your choice completely flip flopped and called you in like that. You have every right to feel betrayed. The thing is, she doesn't see it that way. To her, she is trying to help and broke your trust for the "greater good" of trying to save you. Like someone above said, people may think they are comfortable with suicide until they are actually faced with the reality of it. She doesn't want to lose you, but no matter what she feels, this is still your decision, and I wish you peace in whatever you choose to do.

 

[SamTam33]

I wonder if at least a part of her calling it in was retaliation for OP breaking up with her.

 

[Ellipsis]

It's really upsetting that someone who specifically told you that they would respect your choice completely flip flopped and called you in like that. You have every right to feel betrayed. The thing is, she doesn't see it that way. To her, she is trying to help and broke your trust for the "greater good" of trying to save you. Like someone above said, people may think they are comfortable with suicide until they are actually faced with the reality of it. She doesn't want to lose you, but no matter what she feels, this is still your decision, and I wish you peace in whatever you choose to do.

You translate exactly what I feel, it's really a high betrayal for me, especially since CTB is what I care about the most. It's my only wish of all my life and it won't be respected until the end. My decision is made, I won't go back and it's clear that it's something incomprehensible for many people. But I think if they were in my head, they would understand. They just don't have empathy.

So I will try to reassure her so that she calms down. The worst thing is that she started to interpret my life by saying what was not good for me when she is a thousand miles away from knowing all the things that push me to CTB.

I wonder if at least a part of her calling it in was retaliation for OP breaking up with her.

Me too, especially because she told me she wouldn't call anyone, that she would never do that. I'm very suspicious of it, but hey, I don't have much choice but to send him a nice message to put him to sleep a little.

 

[almaranthine]

You translate exactly what I feel, it's really a high betrayal for me, especially since CTB is what I care about the most. It's my only wish of all my life and it won't be respected until the end. My decision is made, I won't go back and it's clear that it's something incomprehensible for many people. But I think if they were in my head, they would understand. They just don't have empathy.

So I will try to reassure her so that she calms down. The worst thing is that she started to interpret my life by saying what was not good for me when she is a thousand miles away from knowing all the things that push me to CTB.

Me too, especially because she told me she wouldn't call anyone, that she would never do that. I'm very suspicious of it, but hey, I don't have much choice but to send him a nice message to put him to sleep a little.

I also wondered if potentially she could have done this in retaliation, but I suppose I was trying to envision the "best case scenario." Regardless of their reasoning though, this person still completely broke your trust and their promise to you which is wrong. Had you not been so composed on the phone, who knows what could have happened. If the reality of the situation hit them and they were suddenly scared/wanted to stop you, the least they could have done is reached out to you personally and explained their concerns instead of stealthily trying to get you committed. The thing is, you are resolute in your decision, had you been committed and drugged and forced into shitty group therapy, your decision to ctb was very, very unlikely to change. A lot of people don't seem to understand this and think that committing people somehow miraculously solves the problem. Usually, it just racks up a huge bill and some more traumas. At best, you are able to meet some like-minded folk who are also suffering and get to sit and enjoy some movies and bad coffee.

 

[Ellipsis]

Update: In the end she was really worried about me. I had another call from another suicide prevention line. Do they seriously think that asking me stupid questions would change my will? Do they really think that their intervention is useful? I stayed calm and spouted the usual spiel.
But I'm still quite worried, you never know I intend to remain cautious but I'm very stressed. I am cloistered at home, too afraid that someone will arrive. I can't wait for all this bullshit to be over.

Moral of the story: if you don't know what to do because you're in a relationship: don't say anything.

 

[SilentSadness]

Suicide prevention is completely counter intuitive. Its aim is to attach so much stigma and risk to suicide that no one is able to talk about it. It would be so much better if they just kept their hands to themselves and stopped trying to make lives worse. I hope that you find peace from this mess, I hope your ex-girlfriend does as well.