Venting bpd is ruining me

[huntermellow]

i understand why people don't like me. i understand why it's hard for me to keep friends and have a relationship. i'm too much for everyone. i'm so obsessive i let everything consume me. men never really mean it when they say like how obsessive and clingy you are because they've never seen what real obsession is. my love is too much for everyone and yet not enough. i'll never be enough for anyone no matter how hard i try. even if i do exactly what they want it's never enough. i'm always being treated like this it's always me. i'm all alone i've lost everyone i've cared about. i'm just an example of what you wouldn't want in a girlfriend. he can ruin me emotionally and still get everything he wants and i'm left all alone with no one. i envy the people who can jump from relationship to relationship. you're scared of being alone but you don't know what it's like to actually be alone. it's so easy for him. i don't even have a friend group i don't even have a friend. i deserve to be alone. i really am a bad person it's no wonder i can't be loved.

 

[dolemitedrums]

You don't sound like a bad person or someone who deserves to be alone. You just sound like you have trouble managing relationships.

 

[huntermellow]

thank you :( i just wish i could be normal when it comes to relationships

Do you get angry often? When I had BPD I used to rage a lot.

when i get triggered i do. a breakdown turns into rage and vice versa. it always happens when things don't go the way i expect them to

 

[sugarb]

i understand why people don't like me. i understand why it's hard for me to keep friends and have a relationship. i'm too much for everyone. i'm so obsessive i let everything consume me. men never really mean it when they say like how obsessive and clingy you are because they've never seen what real obsession is. my love is too much for everyone and yet not enough. i'll never be enough for anyone no matter how hard i try. even if i do exactly what they want it's never enough. i'm always being treated like this it's always me. i'm all alone i've lost everyone i've cared about. i'm just an example of what you wouldn't want in a girlfriend. he can ruin me emotionally and still get everything he wants and i'm left all alone with no one. i envy the people who can jump from relationship to relationship. you're scared of being alone but you don't know what it's like to actually be alone. it's so easy for him. i don't even have a friend group i don't even have a friend. i deserve to be alone. i really am a bad person it's no wonder i can't be loved.

you remind me a lot of a friend of mine, my girlfriend, and myself. BPD sucks ass, I'm sorry you're suffering. just know you aren't a bad person for being like this

I felt almost exactly like you up until I met my gf. I know it sounds stupid but the best fix for feeling like this (at least for me) was having an SO who was even clingier than me. It eventually allowed me to relax and not feel so desperate for affection.

I've also found that when it comes to friendships you just have to calm down and cycle through people until you find some who actually stick around. I thought I'd never make any real ones but as of right now I have a small circle who've kept with me for over six months (personal record!)

 

[huntermellow]

i really wish i could find an SO like that. someone that could make me forget all the bad things that happened and finally help me feel at peace with myself. but i don't think i'll ever like or be attracted to anyone again and idt anyone will ever like me again… it's like no matter how much i try to explain my bpd and someone says say they want to help me i'm always seen as the bad person when i split when i literally warned them from the start. eventually i get too much for them because of my mood swings and breakdowns. no even tries to understand why i am the way i am when i offer it on a silver platter so i'm always going to be seen as crazy from them and their friends perspectives when their friends don't even know me…

 

[jc2121]

I have BPD and have trouble managing relationships as well. I understand when you say people don't know what it means to be obsessed or how ur love is too much but never enough. I seen you said you don't have any friends but I just want you to know you have a friend in me and can talk to me whenever

 

[Worndown]

Have you sought any help? My ex refused all help and treatment and ut eventually burned her life down. That was an unnessesary end to what could have been a wonderful life.
Medications might not be a cure, but properly prescribed and managed, they can give you the overall stability you seek.

 

[huntermellow]

Have you sought any help? My ex refused all help and treatment and ut eventually burned her life down. That was an unnessesary end to what could have been a wonderful life.
Medications might not be a cure, but properly prescribed and managed, they can give you the overall stability you seek.

i wanted therapy at one point but can't afford it and can't get the medication i asked for. but atp i don't really want help anymore because every time i think things are getting better and that i'm doing well i always get a reality check. i really did want to be better and get better but life just keeps fucking me up so i've given up

 

[Blockz]

I dont have bpd but i do have d.i.d (dissociative identity disorder) plus dissociative amnesia its kinda a tricky one tbh i do find myself always irritated and agitated but i feel like i have a temper too coz i always get angry super quickly its kinda annoying and draining to be angry all the time, the thing is i have 20+ personalities and my memory is so fucked like i wont remember what i had for lunch, i have to write everything down, ive only got one friend and he also has d.i.d as far as i can tell and hes pretty much the only one who gets me and my personalities, and im like dissociating all day everyday and its so hard to keep up with me cause ill have personalities who are angry all the time or like sad all the time and it can get difficult to be in a relationship coz she (the girl im currently talking too havent met yet but do plan too) wont know im talking to her but then another personality could be speaking to her about smth important and when im myself again i wont have a rats arse as to what was talked about so i tend to make the same mistakes over again but its hard to explain because its a different personality making those mistakes, she thinks shes speaking to me majority of the time but shes wrong, im having multiple personality switches throughout the day. Sometimes there can be an emergence of a new personality and i find myself to be a stranger in my own home, like i wont know who my siblings are everyone will be a stranger and i would need to ask for names and ages and where i am because i wont have memory of it this disorder is the reason why i want to ctb and the girl im talking to has bpd amongst other diagnosis and she is literally going through what you're going thru like having a hard time to make friends or no friends at all and the love thing i also get and understand, i can never be my true self to people who i just meet coz i know they'll think im totally nuts so its literally all about having the patience to know that the friend you have is willing to understand and appreciate you regardless of your diagnosis i know it will take time but trust me it took me forever to find someone who's just like me id suggest going to support groups places where there's other ppl with bpd so you dont feel alone in this world and in doing so you can potentially meet your future partner or even friend/s for the rest of your life

 

[huntermellow]

I dont have bpd but i do have d.i.d (dissociative identity disorder) plus dissociative amnesia its kinda a tricky one tbh i do find myself always irritated and agitated but i feel like i have a temper too coz i always get angry super quickly its kinda annoying and draining to be angry all the time, the thing is i have 20+ personalities and my memory is so fucked like i wont remember what i had for lunch, i have to write everything down, ive only got one friend and he also has d.i.d as far as i can tell and hes pretty much the only one who gets me and my personalities, and im like dissociating all day everyday and its so hard to keep up with me cause ill have personalities who are angry all the time or like sad all the time and it can get difficult to be in a relationship coz she (the girl im currently talking too havent met yet but do plan too) wont know im talking to her but then another personality could be speaking to her about smth important and when im myself again i wont have a rats arse as to what was talked about so i tend to make the same mistakes over again but its hard to explain because its a different personality making those mistakes, she thinks shes speaking to me majority of the time but shes wrong, im having multiple personality switches throughout the day. Sometimes there can be an emergence of a new personality and i find myself to be a stranger in my own home, like i wont know who my siblings are everyone will be a stranger and i would need to ask for names and ages and where i am because i wont have memory of it this disorder is the reason why i want to ctb and the girl im talking to has bpd amongst other diagnosis and she is literally going through what you're going thru like having a hard time to make friends or no friends at all and the love thing i also get and understand, i can never be my true self to people who i just meet coz i know they'll think im totally nuts so its literally all about having the patience to know that the friend you have is willing to understand and appreciate you regardless of your diagnosis i know it will take time but trust me it took me forever to find someone who's just like me id suggest going to support groups places where there's other ppl with bpd so you dont feel alone in this world and in doing so you can potentially meet your future partner or even friend/s for the rest of your life

i'm so sorry you have to go through that it must be so hard :( i can't even imagine what it's like not knowing who you are in your own body and making the same mistakes because you can't remember what you did or said or who you talked to… i do also feel like i don't know who i am but obviously not in the DID way. i just don't have any sense of self because i'm constantly copying other peoples personalities so i feel like everything about me is fake, even the things i like. i do have friends online who have bpd but having friends online is so different from real life friends… because if they met me irl i don't think they'd like me at all. or if they were my irl friends from the start they definitely wouldn't like me because i act so weird and crazy i really do believe i'm a bad person. i really do wish i could meet a future partner who would do their best to try and understand me and accept me for my flaws but it sounds too good to be true…

 

[notprettyenough]

I'm here to be a friend or person to vent to <3

 

[N33dT0D13]

Just got a bpd diagnosis myself and while it explains a lot, the knowled doesn't make it hurt less. I wouldn't wish this on anybody, not even my worst enemy, it's so painful. The heartache and shame and embarrassment, knowing why I do the dumb annoying things I do but not knowing how to stop...

 

[stayedtoolong]

Just got a bpd diagnosis myself and while it explains a lot, the knowled doesn't make it hurt less. I wouldn't wish this on anybody, not even my worst enemy, it's so painful. The heartache and shame and embarrassment, knowing why I do the dumb annoying things I do but not knowing how to stop...

This is exactly it. It's so hard.

 

[huntermellow]

Just got a bpd diagnosis myself and while it explains a lot, the knowled doesn't make it hurt less. I wouldn't wish this on anybody, not even my worst enemy, it's so painful. The heartache and shame and embarrassment, knowing why I do the dumb annoying things I do but not knowing how to stop...

no one even tries to understand even when i try to explain myself…

 

[Worndown]

BPD is a curse but can be managed at some level. Knowing you have this is a good start.
There are times stepping back from conversations or activities is advised. Let them know why. There is no shame in this and people that care will understand.
There are medications that can help. None are perfect, but can make each day better.
Give your DR feedback. This allows them to balance meds and keep you in the most stable condition.
It also takes work, but you are already working hard.