Venting BPD and the feeling of losing my FP over arguments. I can feel my SI coming back.

[need2beskinny_]

Umm hi I think this is more of a vent. I just relapsed after so long and I can't stop imagining myself as a dead girl. I thought i would never get these feelings again but here we are.

So my FP is my boyfriend. I'm kind of the jealous kind yk, I can't handle even the smallest things. And my BPD makes things so much worse. I got diagnosed last year but i stopped taking medication since it's too expensive. He was understanding at first but I think he forgets about it sometimes. I feel so broken and disgusting with myself but I also can't seem to stop snapping at him and hating him now. He was my anchor for a while but I think I'm losing it. I think our relationship is coming to an end and i can't stop thinking about kms again.

If it officially ends, i think I'll jump. Seems like the easiest way out. 100% chances. I'll give it a week. I just want him back and want him all to myself. If I can't do that then what's the point of being alive.

 

[FF777]

girl PLEASE do not CTB because of relationship issues.. when you CTB after rash decisions or because you are pouting or angry or want to hurt the other person etc you end up regretting it..

some relationships just don't last for ever for a billion years, and it hurts and sucks but that's fine, and people eventually normalize after it and get back to normal.. and my opinion on argument issues is that, a lot of times when people get upset at each other they communicate less and bottle their anger up and pout, but it's when you are upset that you need to communicate MORE to try to find out what the real underlying issues are here and why the other person is making the decisions they are making.. chances are that he isn't just waking up and deciding "hey i want to be a butthole to my lover girl for no reason", you know?.. there must be reasons he is doing what he is doing, and maybe he doesn't completely realize or understand what some of his decisions are causing you to feel, and so you need to tell him how this stuff is making you feel and find some type of common ground between the two of you and mutual understanding..

and i'll tell you this from experience......... some times when a long and tight relationship like that ends you end up crying your eyeballs out for days....... and it sucks a lot during that time, but i've found (for me at least) after long hard cries like that, for some reason it puts me in this mood where i just feel like........ "you know what....... it's actually fine now and i don't even care really", and then the phase after that is me wondering how i even let my self care that much..

starting and ending relationships is just a cycle of life, and if every one ended them selves after a painful break-up no one would be alive in this world.. for the few relationships i've been in (one girl i was with for 9 years) i never broke up on bad terms with them, and i still talk to some of them even today some times.. i don't like break-ups where 2 people that loved each other a minute ago suddenly now have to hate each other and tear each other apart and do as much damage to their lives as they possibly can.. screw a bunch of that crap..

i'll say one more thing.......... when you are with a person it kind of gives you blinder vision to where you think that is the one and only ultimate person and that you will never find any one like them ever again.. but there are people out there...... there might be some one you meet later that REALLY seems like the ultimate person and they will have their own unique style that no one else has, and when you are with them you will think "wow if i would have ended my self back then i would have never met this ACTUAL cool person i'm with now"..