Bought SN and have mixed feelings

[fhbpd]

I've felt suicidal my whole life, always believed that's how I would go. Apart from a ridiculous attempt as a child, I never tried again for fear of the pain I would cause to my parents.

I bought the thing that's going to kill me. I never took this kind of step. As long as the plan was only in my mind, I was safe. Now that I have this on hands, I can do it anytime. On one hand, it feels reassuring. On the other, I feel scared of actually doing it and ruin my family.

I thought about sharing this with my therapist or friend, but I can't seem to do it. I'm not able to say the words. They'll probably tell me to get rid of it, but I don't want to. I'm slowly convincing myself I should do it despite it all, I just can't live like this anymore.

I can't do this to my family, but I'm tired of suffering. I feel so trapped.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really is so awful to feel trapped. I know that it is hard to carry on when you are tired of everything. I'm sorry that you are suffering so much. I have also never wanted to live. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

 

[CommitSudoku]

I relate to this all, even to getting SN and feeling scared, I don't want to hurt anyone, but living is hurting myself, and so much of the time is empty. I don't think I could share with anyone outside of this forum that I have a more reliable way to try to get out of this life, I wouldn't want to tell anyone who could remove the option of me taking it. Even if I'm scared I don't want to lose what I've managed to get. It's hard to feel trapped every day, I'm sorry you feel this way. Best wishes whatever you decide to do. Feel free to write more here if you ever want to or think it might help.

 

[deathbydragon]

When I finally got my hands on SN it wasn't a relief...nothing feels too different. It's just something I have now.

 

[juraviel]

i bought sn just to have it and initially i did in fact felt reassured that i have a way now should things get even worse. but eventually things got better instead and i didn't want it around me anymore so i wouldn't use it one day out of impulse as it's not something to be taken just suddenly without any prep. if it's possible find a way to hide it somewhere where you would have to drive for a long time and generally had to do many things before you could use it.

 

[Wantogonow]

I'm waiting for SN to be delivered I keep having mixed feelings about it sometime I'm like can't wait until it here then I'm not sure I want to come as will make thing real. It's one thing laying in bed thinking about it but to see it in my hand is different

 

[wljourney]

I can relate to everything you said.
It's a very strange feeling. Relief that it's possible to go anytime I feel the need, but also the guilt for hurting friends/family.

Just one thing:
Do NOT tell your doctor or therapist.
I once told my doc about a plan (nicotine patches) and she forced me to go home and bring my stash back for her to destroy. The other option would have been for her to call police and being formed.

 

[befree]

You don´t have to do it right now. But it´s good to know, that you have the option to do it later any time.

 

[Judy Garland]

I get butterflies in my stomach when I think of the process I will have to go through with SN. You know, setting everything up, taking the pills first etc. Butterflies in the stomach. Anyone else get nervous?

 

[its-about-time]

We are in very similar situations with very similar feelings about it. I don't have advice, but you're not alone.

 

[eremito]

my shipment is on its way. I ordered it yesterday, at night, while travelling, in a small location. The source seems legit. I have no idea how long it is going to travel. The expected delivery - May. If it reaches me, I hope, I will feel more reassured. Safer? I don't know if this is a good word for this context. But I may be more quiet.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I've felt suicidal my whole life, always believed that's how I would go. Apart from a ridiculous attempt as a child, I never tried again for fear of the pain I would cause to my parents.

I bought the thing that's going to kill me. I never took this kind of step. As long as the plan was only in my mind, I was safe. Now that I have this on hands, I can do it anytime. On one hand, it feels reassuring. On the other, I feel scared of actually doing it and ruin my family.

I thought about sharing this with my therapist or friend, but I can't seem to do it. I'm not able to say the words. They'll probably tell me to get rid of it, but I don't want to. I'm slowly convincing myself I should do it despite it all, I just can't live like this anymore.

I can't do this to my family, but I'm tired of suffering. I feel so trapped.

My thoughts for what they are worth...
Don't throw it out... Keep it stored safe in case you change your mind. Also... With SN's increased visibility, it may be increasingly more difficult to get. I definitely wouldn't tell anyone you have it.

Telling anyone you are suicidal will come with consequences. At the very least, you will be watched more closely than before.

I understand you don't want to hurt your family. I don't either, that is the only reason I'm still here. I don't know how to get past it. I'm still not telling them I want to die.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

If you say something, that could get you locked up as a danger to yourself. Think about that before you say anything.

 

[Niko66]

Adding onto above comment, I would definitely not risk telling anyone IRL.
And I know it seems silly but finding a place or container where you can lock it and make it somewhat inconvenient and out of sight (same with the key, make it inconvenient) that should help at least a little in stopping you and making you think twice about the decision compared to just having it around at reach.

Let it be an option, a choice you now have but try not to focus on the fact that it's there.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I feel you. Just make absolutely sure this is what you want to do when you decide to take it. Don't feel like you have to take it because you have it. Evaluate the pros and cons of doing so and make an informed decision as to what is best.

 

[its-about-time]

I had mine kept out of sight out of mind but now I sleep with it under my pillow lol. Changes the mindset a bit. I think I'm gonna go back to hiding it.

 

[fhbpd]

I'm feeling better now. I started taking meds a couple of months ago and it's just taking effect now. I still want to die, but at least I can handle waiting some more. Some days are harder, of course. I'm trying my best not to hurt my family.

My thoughts for what they are worth...
Don't throw it out... Keep it stored safe in case you change your mind. Also... With SN's increased visibility, it may be increasingly more difficult to get. I definitely wouldn't tell anyone you have it.

Telling anyone you are suicidal will come with consequences. At the very least, you will be watched more closely than before.

I understand you don't want to hurt your family. I don't either, that is the only reason I'm still here. I don't know how to get past it. I'm still not telling them I want to die.

SN is easily available and super cheap in my country. Also there's not much visibility of suicides with SN here, so I don't think it will get difficult anytime soon. Anyways, I'm still keeping it. It's not very hidden nor inconvenient to get, but I'm not thinking about it as often.

If you say something, that could get you locked up as a danger to yourself. Think about that before you say anything.

Didn't tell anyone I have it, but everyone around me knows I'm suicidal. That's just regular life at this point, I've talked/joked about it for years. I doubt they'd lock me up, just make me get rid of it.

Thanks everyone for the support. I really needed to get this off my chest at that time, so now I don't feel like I need to tell someone IRL.

 

[wellherewego]

I'm getting mine tomorrow

 

[Idontmatter]

I get butterflies in my stomach when I think of the process I will have to go through with SN. You know, setting everything up, taking the pills first etc. Butterflies in the stomach. Anyone else get nervous?

I'm very nervous. Especially when I start setting things up but it's going to happen. One part is nervous and the other just huge relief

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I'm feeling better now. I started taking meds a couple of months ago and it's just taking effect now. I still want to die, but at least I can handle waiting some more. Some days are harder, of course. I'm trying my best not to hurt my family.



SN is easily available and super cheap in my country. Also there's not much visibility of suicides with SN here, so I don't think it will get difficult anytime soon. Anyways, I'm still keeping it. It's not very hidden nor inconvenient to get, but I'm not thinking about it as often.



Didn't tell anyone I have it, but everyone around me knows I'm suicidal. That's just regular life at this point, I've talked/joked about it for years. I doubt they'd lock me up, just make me get rid of it.

Thanks everyone for the support. I really needed to get this off my chest at that time, so now I don't feel like I need to tell someone IRL.

Hopefully, you will NOT have to even use it, or even consider using it, EVER again. Good luck in your life.