I hate that when body dysmorphia is bought up in reference to men, it's nearly always considered "muscle dysmorphia." It makes me feel like no one, not even the so called "expert" psychologists, scientists, researchers, etc understand me. Yes I go to the gym, yes I lift weights, but my ultimate goal has always to become smaller. I want a thinner waste, a slimmer face, the number on the scale and the measuring tape to go down, not to be popeye-level jacked. I've been going to the gym for about three years now and I'm definitely happier with my body now than I was as a teenager, but I still find myself going through periods where I avoid mirrors as much as possible and become terrified to weigh myself or take any types of measurements. There are also periods where I can't seem to stop. Looking in every mirror I can, peeking at my abs and biceps, constantly worried about what my body looks like and how others perceive it. It feels like I will never truly be happy with my body. Even when there are periods where I finally feel at least somewhat happy, I know that eventually those times will go and I'll begin to hate my body again. To make it even worse, I start to binge on anything I can find when I feel like this, causing my weight to go up and my stomach to get larger which I feel like justifies my feelings of self-hatred.
On the bright side, I went to the gym for the first time in a few days today and I genuinely felt euphoric during and afterward. All the thoughts of suicide I'd had been seriously contemplating over the last day or two disappeared and I genuinely felt happy. I guess I need to go back tomorrow
On the bright side, I went to the gym for the first time in a few days today and I genuinely felt euphoric during and afterward. All the thoughts of suicide I'd had been seriously contemplating over the last day or two disappeared and I genuinely felt happy. I guess I need to go back tomorrow
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