Venting binge eating because im going to ctb

[h4ppyhypoxia]

basically im just really fed up with myself bc of my behaviour recently, because ik im going to ctb soon ive got such a scarcity mindset, everything feels urgent, like its the "last time" ill ever be able to do it, which has led me to overcommitting to plans with people, spending money i probably shouldn't, and the most harmful for me, binge eating

im anorexic (binge purge subtype) but i may as well be stripped of my diagnosis bc of the sheer volume of food ive been eating recently, ill allow myself it bc in the grand scheme of things its one of the 'last times" ill be able to eat that food, and why does it matter if i gain weight, ill be dead soon? then the guilt hits, its horrible, the food makes me feel worse, its not me treating myself in my final days, its me being mentally tormented by a choice i made with the intention of making things a little bit better for myself

also with weight gain, really hate the idea of it, but im wanting to use an n2 eb + ingest sn for my ctb method, im wanting my body to be physically stronger so im able to carry my n2 tank from the pick up point with ease, so thats part of the reason im allowing myself so much food, but it just feels awful

its not even just mental suffering, its physical, im constantly bloated, feeling sick, have really bad stomach pain, feel fainter and dizzier than i did before bc this amount of food is such a shock to my system, i wish i could stop, but then scarcity mindset kicks in again

as well im not a "traditional anorexic" in the sense of my main fear is being fat and gaining weight, yes, im terrified of those things, but for me, restricting my food intake helps regulate my emotions as im essentially starving my brain out of the capacity to feel so deeply, so not only am I carrying more guilt and physical side effects, im carrying the full force of my other mental illnesses, and for what? 5 minutes of taste in my mouth bc its one of the "last times" ill be able to do it, so pathetic, wish i could stop

for me losing weight feels like progress and sculpting a better image of myself, im terrified that ill survive my attempt and be living in a body which is heavier, im still severely underweight so i understand that this probably sounds horrible to people who arent, ive genuinely got nothing against other peoples bodies, its just my own, im terrified of not being severely underweight and "destroying my progress" if i survive the ctb attempt

 

[fluorescentpearl]

Sending hugs for this, I understand all too well

The part about being a unconventional anorexic hit me hard, people don't talk about those kinds often.. I used to be fully anorexic, skin and bones, I was hospitalized cus my organs were shutting down, I didnd't o it to avoid being fat, I did it because I wanted control over my life and wanted to be in control of the pain I suffered, nowadays it's calmed down enough that I can be chubby, but I still heavily restrict foods and control what I can and can't eat, I still have moments of just chewing something and spitting it out because I was bad that day, or such
Rn I had chips a few days ago and it's been driving me insane with needing to starve myself to make the chips go away, not because I worry about getting fat necessarily, but because I don't enjoy feeling controlled by having to eat food and getting cravings, it's like a hatred for being human in some way

 

[h4ppyhypoxia]

Sending hugs for this, I understand all too well

The part about being a unconventional anorexic hit me hard, people don't talk about those kinds often.. I used to be fully anorexic, skin and bones, I was hospitalized cus my organs were shutting down, I didnd't o it to avoid being fat, I did it because I wanted control over my life and wanted to be in control of the pain I suffered, nowadays it's calmed down enough that I can be chubby, but I still heavily restrict foods and control what I can and can't eat, I still have moments of just chewing something and spitting it out because I was bad that day, or such
Rn I had chips a few days ago and it's been driving me insane with needing to starve myself to make the chips go away, not because I worry about getting fat necessarily, but because I don't enjoy feeling controlled by having to eat food and getting cravings, it's like a hatred for being human in some way

this is honestly so relatable im glad to know that theres other people like me but also not at the same time bc this is such a horrible thing to go through but yes for me its so heavily about control bc to me its like if i dont need food, something which literally sustains life, then i dont need anything, im above it all, and nothing can hurt me, bc ive already hurt myself in the worst way by depriving myself of something necessary for survival, i want to be above hunger which is why this is so hard for me

 

[Forveleth]

I did this and two years later, I am still here and now I am super fat. I have the same mindset. I am going to kill myself soon, so why does it matter? Unfortunately, it did not work out for me, and now I am struggling to work off the weight so that I do not feel the effects of being physically overweight on top of all the other issues that I have.

You have an eating disorder, and I am not telling you how or when or if you should consume food, but rather take this as a cautionary tale against the mindset of, "Well, I am going to die soon anyway, so why does it matter?" You never know what could happen and you do not want to give yourself more issues later on if you survive.