Venting Being suicidal is so weird, I can't believe that I've spent hours and hours of my life researching how to kill myself

[MyPropellerWontSpin]

No one knows, not a single person I know irl knows that I've been suicidal for probably a year now. I don't talk to my family much so I don't really think they would really be affected by me leaving this world, maybe my sister would be but I'm sure she'll get over it soon. There's this one online friend I have, we talk almost everyday, haven't been recently which sucks but I'm going to miss them a lot, well....can't really miss someone once you're dead, I guess I'll miss them.....conceptually? I'll miss art, it's one of the only thing that brings me joy and I'm sort of good at it, I'll miss music, I'll miss nerding out whilst watching stupid shows and movies I love. I don't really want everything about me to die, I want to exist like an energy maybe, in the wind or deep within the ocean. Humanity is so limiting. Why is it that the body I inherent must follow such narrow and rigid social rules, it's so illogical. So crude. I hope once I'm dead I'll get a second chance. I know we all get one chance but, please, let me have another.



The last song I plan on listening to while I slowly drift away is, Everthing Will Be Alright by The Killers

 

[OnionsOnEverything]

Human consciousness is so weird isn't it. I love watching philosophical videos about what it means to be alive and human. Existence is cruel but also great in some aspects.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

How are you going to slowly drift away?

 

[violetforever]

I don't really want everything about me to die, I want to exist like an energy maybe, in the wind or deep within the ocean.

me too. thats beautiful. you will live on in someones memories of you though <3

Humanity is so limiting. Why is it that the body I inherent must follow such narrow and rigid social rules, it's so illogical.

i hate it. i wonder if humanity was ever meant to be. with or without civilization its all so awful.

 

[lamy's sacred sleep]

Everthing Will Be Alright by The Killers

gave it a listen
really good song

 

[MyPropellerWontSpin]

How are you going to slowly drift away?

carbon monoxide

you will live on in someones memories of you though <3

thank you, that means so much, seriously

 

[Chabrychek]

Yeah it's strange to talk to people, laugh with them, and in your head only think about how much you want to die. They go home to enjoy life, and you go home to plan how to end it. I didn't even notice when it happened.

I will not miss my life, but rather what it was not and what it could have been

 

[A_Breath_Away]

Yeah it's strange to talk to people, laugh with them, and in your head only think about how much you want to die. They go home to enjoy life, and you go home to plan how to end it. I didn't even notice when it happened.

I will not miss my life, but rather what it was not and what it could have been

This. Omg this! This describes what I'm feeling to a tee. The potential. Dreaming of a life that never was.

 

[madwoman]

It is really weird. Like the weird out of body experience that I can't believe this is my life and this is happening to me. & also agree and relate with the two above comments. It's surreal that people couldn't fathom wanting to do and are planning their future, I no longer envision a future & do grieve the life I could have had if I was not me with my life.

 

[Jadeith]

I don't really think they would really be affected by me leaving this world

Common misconception. In many cases people seem like they do not give a fuck but after you ctb all the emotional hell breaks loose.

I guess I'll miss them.....conceptually?

Nope. Thing is (and hopes of many of us here) death is permanent and it's pure nothingness. You can't miss anything, feel anything, want anything, remember or experience anything. It's very difficult to grasp but once you manage to do so, many things become easier or at least irrelevant.

I want to exist like an energy maybe

Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on who do you ask) we do not have such choice. Once you're gone everything is over for you. And i literally mean everything.

I hope once I'm dead I'll get a second chance. I know we all get one chance but, please, let me have another.

So far no scientific proof of reincarnation or other form of savegame so.... tread carefully because you are treading on YOUR dreams.

 

[Nightingale93]

Yeah it's all the things that I could have done, all the memories that I could har experiences but didn't that really gets me. As much as people don't like to admit it, FOMO is a real thing, and I really wish it wasn't.
On one hand I wish I could just completely turn my emotions off, but on the other I'm sick of being numb.

 

[FadingSnowFake]

Hello and welcome here. Your title sums up exactly how I feel too. And just over a year for me too, being suicidal. Did something specific happen, if you want to share? Your wish to exist as energy is very interesting.

I actually just said to my bf in a casual conversation how I cannot believe it's been a year since I started a job in a new country, and I can't see another year of the same as I'm considering another contract. But as I was saying this, I thought how it's been a year of unrealness, and I just can't see or don't want to picture another year of this, whatever this is.

 

[Chronical_Suicidal]

Tbh, I still don't know why the majority of people in this world don't do the same. Probably it's my pessimistic worldview, but existence seems horrible for many of us. So, I think it's really weird someone not even thinking once in a lifetime about ctb.

 

[MyPropellerWontSpin]

Tbh, I still don't know why the majority of people in this world don't do the same. Probably it's my pessimistic worldview, but existence seems horrible for many of us. So, I think it's really weird someone not even thinking once in a lifetime about ctb.

I understand, feel the same way sometimes, oh and this might be a stupid question but what exactly does ctb stand for? been seeing this acronym a lot on here

 

[inconclusivesorbet]

I understand, feel the same way sometimes, oh and this might be a stupid question but what exactly does ctb stand for? been seeing this acronym a lot on here

Catch the bus. Kick the bucket.

 

[MyPropellerWontSpin]

Common misconception. In many cases people seem like they do not give a fuck but after you ctb all the emotional hell breaks loose.

guess so, I just can't imagine people around me being affected, I do such little for everyone, and I'm a burden

Nope. Thing is (and hopes of many of us here) death is permanent and it's pure nothingness. You can't miss anything, feel anything, want anything, remember or experience anything. It's very difficult to grasp but once you manage to do so, many things become easier or at least irrelevant.


Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on who do you ask) we do not have such choice. Once you're gone everything is over for you. And i literally mean everything.

yeah i know, just wishful thinking and a poor attempt at being philosophical

So far no scientific proof of reincarnation or other form of savegame so.... tread carefully because you are treading on YOUR dreams.

stopped dreaming quite a while ago

 

[Jadeith]

guess so, I just can't imagine people around me being affected, I do such little for everyone, and I'm a burden

Another common misconception. "So little" sometimes goes very long way and "being a burden" can be very subjective. You might feel that way but is it really true? That you'll only know when you openly talk to those around you. Somehow i don't think so, tho. If you do "anything" for them, even if "a little" - that alone disqualifies you from being a burden. Just sayin....

yeah i know, just wishful thinking and a poor attempt at being philosophical

Not "poor". Everyone has their own worldview and some hopes for the things that still are not fully understood. Thing is, it's a good practice not to mix hopes, fantasies and beliefs with real life expectations. Far less disappointment later on.

stopped dreaming quite a while ago

Can relate. Only dream i got left is to die soon so my close ones won't have to face backlash from having suicide case in their circles.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Yeah it's all the things that I could have done, all the memories that I could har experiences but didn't that really gets me. As much as people don't like to admit it, FOMO is a real thing, and I really wish it wasn't.
On one hand I wish I could just completely turn my emotions off, but on the other I'm sick of being numb.

The wasted potential really grinds me. All the things I never had the courage to try. The talents I didn't develop. I rotted on the vine.

 

[vascomorrow]

No one knows, not a single person I know irl knows that I've been suicidal for probably a year now. I don't talk to my family much so I don't really think they would really be affected by me leaving this world, maybe my sister would be but I'm sure she'll get over it soon. There's this one online friend I have, we talk almost everyday, haven't been recently which sucks but I'm going to miss them a lot, well....can't really miss someone once you're dead, I guess I'll miss them.....conceptually? I'll miss art, it's one of the only thing that brings me joy and I'm sort of good at it, I'll miss music, I'll miss nerding out whilst watching stupid shows and movies I love. I don't really want everything about me to die, I want to exist like an energy maybe, in the wind or deep within the ocean. Humanity is so limiting. Why is it that the body I inherent must follow such narrow and rigid social rules, it's so illogical. So crude. I hope once I'm dead I'll get a second chance. I know we all get one chance but, please, let me have another.



The last song I plan on listening to while I slowly drift away is, Everthing Will Be Alright by The Killers

How old are you? If you don't mind me asking.

 

[claeasi]

No one knows, not a single person I know irl knows that I've been suicidal for probably a year now. I don't talk to my family much so I don't really think they would really be affected by me leaving this world, maybe my sister would be but I'm sure she'll get over it soon. There's this one online friend I have, we talk almost everyday, haven't been recently which sucks but I'm going to miss them a lot, well....can't really miss someone once you're dead, I guess I'll miss them.....conceptually? I'll miss art, it's one of the only thing that brings me joy and I'm sort of good at it, I'll miss music, I'll miss nerding out whilst watching stupid shows and movies I love. I don't really want everything about me to die, I want to exist like an energy maybe, in the wind or deep within the ocean. Humanity is so limiting. Why is it that the body I inherent must follow such narrow and rigid social rules, it's so illogical. So crude. I hope once I'm dead I'll get a second chance. I know we all get one chance but, please, let me have another.



The last song I plan on listening to while I slowly drift away is, Everthing Will Be Alright by The Killers

i also love art, especially music; it's one of the things that keeps me alive. I identified with your text; i found it beautiful..
It's funny to think that our family or friends have absolutely no idea what we're thinking or what we want; it scares me a little, but it also comforts me... Idk :)

 

[tasmaka]

I so connected with everything youve said, Ive had the same thoughts, you arent alone.

If it means anything, I promise to never ever forget you, seriously, just from this post I can tell you are an amazing person and thats something I appreciate and never forget about.

In whatever means you find it in, you deserve happiness, I mean it.

 

[MyPropellerWontSpin]

I so connected with everything youve said, Ive had the same thoughts, you arent alone.

If it means anything, I promise to never ever forget you, seriously, just from this post I can tell you are an amazing person and thats something I appreciate and never forget about.

In whatever means you find it in, you deserve happiness, I mean it.

oh my god I could cry :( thank you sm, you're too kind
I hope you find happiness too <3