Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
I've sent everyone away. There's no other choice/options. There's no purpose in keeping connections when I'm set on CTB. It's just as painful as it is being alone. But I must be alone to CTB.
There's no other way to go about this. So no matter how hard anyone tries I must keep em away... right? I dunno... I've never been THIS close to CTB. Well I have been but never been so organized, sound of mind, clear headed etc.(in the sense of planning to CTB)
Usually I'm all messed up and when I rest like I rested last week I return back to living instead the rest I took just solidified the desire & need to CTB. It just helped my brain organize the steps. It just made my resolve stronger.
I sent some messages of a basically goodbye/same ones I sent to my friend to my workers. One of them attempted to contact me/was worried but I was asleep. She had called a wellness check and then called it off but they were maybe still gonna come but then I called as well and called em off. This was around 11:30pm. My worker asked me if I'd be interested/willing to meet or even a quick phone call she said she had an update if I wanted to hear. Made it sound like it'd be something good but I just again repeated that I don't need or want support & not to call wellness check bc it doesn't matter/pointless. Nothing will stop me from CTB.
Ugh it's just frustrating. Of course I don't want to be THIS alone but it is necessary to end my life. If I keep around I might be tempted to return back to life and I cannot keep on this cycle.
I ate yesterday. I don't hate myself as much but it was my last meal of this week. My goal is to starve until Saturday. 5 days. I lasted about 3-4 days last week so. It's not that hard per say. My body is just more hungry and I think it's hormone related. Like I'm waking up thinking about food. Im at that anorexic place of always thinking of food. It's never as good as it is in my mind tho... so why bother? I dunno.
Im also a bit worried about my cysts. My doctor asked if they were more prominent at certain times of my cycle and I think ik when now. I could attempt to get the ultrasound done this week. Though I would need help/ really want someone to come with me. Im so scared that they aren't benign and are cancerous...though that could give me access to MAID...
Something doesn't feel right with em today though... it makes me not even want to move so that I am unaware of it.
FUCK I hate having so many health issues. I'm not as brave of a person as I put on.
Anyway... I dunno wtf to do. It seems easier to just keep turning everyone away but that's painful as well. But once the time comes to CTB it'll just be as painful ya kno?
Plus sometimes it makes me frustrated bc I don't feel like anyone in my life understands how I feel regarding this. So there's that aspect. Upon further thought it's a good thing they don't understand... but it can still be a bit... frustrating...
Anyway I dunno wtf to do. My left breast does not feel right. The pain from pressing certain areas is not the usual hormonal pain... fuckkkkkkkkk
Anyway... I'm not sure where to place my thoughts with all of this and I'm just scared of everything. Scared of my health. Scared of keeping connected. Scared of letting go. Scared to eat. Just scared.
Gonna try to go back to sleep.
But instead of just like the usual standing and waiting for the feeling to pass & the black to clear from my eyes... I started to feel my legs shake and body shake. Had to run to my bed... lie down for a minute... then get up again.
Ugh obv reasons for health deteriorating to this level but this is just scary... but again I'm at the end of life so my like level of need to implement any action to this fear is minimal.
There's no other way to go about this. So no matter how hard anyone tries I must keep em away... right? I dunno... I've never been THIS close to CTB. Well I have been but never been so organized, sound of mind, clear headed etc.(in the sense of planning to CTB)
Usually I'm all messed up and when I rest like I rested last week I return back to living instead the rest I took just solidified the desire & need to CTB. It just helped my brain organize the steps. It just made my resolve stronger.
I sent some messages of a basically goodbye/same ones I sent to my friend to my workers. One of them attempted to contact me/was worried but I was asleep. She had called a wellness check and then called it off but they were maybe still gonna come but then I called as well and called em off. This was around 11:30pm. My worker asked me if I'd be interested/willing to meet or even a quick phone call she said she had an update if I wanted to hear. Made it sound like it'd be something good but I just again repeated that I don't need or want support & not to call wellness check bc it doesn't matter/pointless. Nothing will stop me from CTB.
Ugh it's just frustrating. Of course I don't want to be THIS alone but it is necessary to end my life. If I keep around I might be tempted to return back to life and I cannot keep on this cycle.
I ate yesterday. I don't hate myself as much but it was my last meal of this week. My goal is to starve until Saturday. 5 days. I lasted about 3-4 days last week so. It's not that hard per say. My body is just more hungry and I think it's hormone related. Like I'm waking up thinking about food. Im at that anorexic place of always thinking of food. It's never as good as it is in my mind tho... so why bother? I dunno.
Im also a bit worried about my cysts. My doctor asked if they were more prominent at certain times of my cycle and I think ik when now. I could attempt to get the ultrasound done this week. Though I would need help/ really want someone to come with me. Im so scared that they aren't benign and are cancerous...though that could give me access to MAID...
Something doesn't feel right with em today though... it makes me not even want to move so that I am unaware of it.
FUCK I hate having so many health issues. I'm not as brave of a person as I put on.
Anyway... I dunno wtf to do. It seems easier to just keep turning everyone away but that's painful as well. But once the time comes to CTB it'll just be as painful ya kno?
Plus sometimes it makes me frustrated bc I don't feel like anyone in my life understands how I feel regarding this. So there's that aspect. Upon further thought it's a good thing they don't understand... but it can still be a bit... frustrating...
Anyway I dunno wtf to do. My left breast does not feel right. The pain from pressing certain areas is not the usual hormonal pain... fuckkkkkkkkk
Anyway... I'm not sure where to place my thoughts with all of this and I'm just scared of everything. Scared of my health. Scared of keeping connected. Scared of letting go. Scared to eat. Just scared.
Gonna try to go back to sleep.
Jesus... I just tried to get up and felt faint. Which isn't new for me.I've sent everyone away. There's no other choice/options. There's no purpose in keeping connections when I'm set on CTB. It's just as painful as it is being alone. But I must be alone to CTB.
There's no other way to go about this. So no matter how hard anyone tries I must keep em away... right? I dunno... I've never been THIS close to CTB. Well I have been but never been so organized, sound of mind, clear headed etc.(in the sense of planning to CTB)
Usually I'm all messed up and when I rest like I rested last week I return back to living instead the rest I took just solidified the desire & need to CTB. It just helped my brain organize the steps. It just made my resolve stronger.
I sent some messages of a basically goodbye/same ones I sent to my friend to my workers. One of them attempted to contact me/was worried but I was asleep. She had called a wellness check and then called it off but they were maybe still gonna come but then I called as well and called em off. This was around 11:30pm. My worker asked me if I'd be interested/willing to meet or even a quick phone call she said she had an update if I wanted to hear. Made it sound like it'd be something good but I just again repeated that I don't need or want support & not to call wellness check bc it doesn't matter/pointless. Nothing will stop me from CTB.
Ugh it's just frustrating. Of course I don't want to be THIS alone but it is necessary to end my life. If I keep around I might be tempted to return back to life and I cannot keep on this cycle.
I ate yesterday. I don't hate myself as much but it was my last meal of this week. My goal is to starve until Saturday. 5 days. I lasted about 3-4 days last week so. It's not that hard per say. My body is just more hungry and I think it's hormone related. Like I'm waking up thinking about food. Im at that anorexic place of always thinking of food. It's never as good as it is in my mind tho... so why bother? I dunno.
Im also a bit worried about my cysts. My doctor asked if they were more prominent at certain times of my cycle and I think ik when now. I could attempt to get the ultrasound done this week. Though I would need help/ really want someone to come with me. Im so scared that they aren't benign and are cancerous...though that could give me access to MAID...
Something doesn't feel right with em today though... it makes me not even want to move so that I am unaware of it.
FUCK I hate having so many health issues. I'm not as brave of a person as I put on.
Anyway... I dunno wtf to do. It seems easier to just keep turning everyone away but that's painful as well. But once the time comes to CTB it'll just be as painful ya kno?
Plus sometimes it makes me frustrated bc I don't feel like anyone in my life understands how I feel regarding this. So there's that aspect. Upon further thought it's a good thing they don't understand... but it can still be a bit... frustrating...
Anyway I dunno wtf to do. My left breast does not feel right. The pain from pressing certain areas is not the usual hormonal pain... fuckkkkkkkkk
Anyway... I'm not sure where to place my thoughts with all of this and I'm just scared of everything. Scared of my health. Scared of keeping connected. Scared of letting go. Scared to eat. Just scared.
Gonna try to go back to sleep.
But instead of just like the usual standing and waiting for the feeling to pass & the black to clear from my eyes... I started to feel my legs shake and body shake. Had to run to my bed... lie down for a minute... then get up again.
Ugh obv reasons for health deteriorating to this level but this is just scary... but again I'm at the end of life so my like level of need to implement any action to this fear is minimal.
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