Venting Been struggling to find a good therapist so, in order to cope here's a traumadump

[Redacted.Audio]

It's been a little since I've written a message like this, feel free to leave responses or just read & move on

I was groomed at the age of 9 by a 12 year-old. That relationship broke me, I haven't been the same way since. They used me for their own sexual gratification while emotionally abusing & manipulating me at every turn. My view of myself, my view of others, and my view of the world itself has shifted for the worse. Every relationship I've been in since has gone sour, I'm hoping my current one works out even though I already messed up big time. Ever since I was an itty bitty teen I've been riddled with trauma and couldn't love myself or respect myself at all, leading to actions that would hurt myself and others.

I find the term "You can't love someone else if you don't love yourself" to be bullsh*t. I love other people dearly, enough to put myself in mortal danger for them. It's that lack of self-respect and boundary-setting (as well as respecting my own boundaries) that has led me to hurt others. I think in reality, you can love others without loving yourself, but it probably won't be healthy for either party as you need proper boundaries for a relationship to work out. My trauma has led me to becoming hypersexual and hyperromantic, I have thoughts and feelings I don't want and often hate myself for having.

I struggle with loving myself, impulsivity, and setting boundaries for myself in relationships as well as following them. I feel stuck, like I have no where else to go from here. I feel broken, and I don't know how to fix myself at this point. I feel like I just have to wait until things change. How can I love myself when I base my self-worth off of what I can provide for others? I don't want to die but I don't want to live in constant pain like I have been living in for the past 2 decades. Where do I have to go from here other than just ride this sh*tshow out?

Thank for reading, have a good day :)

 

[Worndown]

Check online for services and groups in your area. I hope you are in an area that appreciates the importance of mental health care.

 

[randomuser2348]

My view of myself, my view of others, and my view of the world itself has shifted for the worse. Every relationship I've been in since has gone sour,

find the term "You can't love someone else if you don't love yourself" to be bullsh*t. I love other people dearly, enough to put myself in mortal danger for them. It's that lack of self-respect and boundary-setting (as well as respecting my own boundaries) that has led me to hurt others.

I struggle with loving myself, impulsivity, and setting boundaries for myself in relationships as well as following them.

my life is a perpetual cycle of misery wherein regardless of effort, restraint, and/or desire my affections will in the end outweigh in the multitudes those of the individual i seek and their inevitable alienation. every form of interpersonal relationship feels transactional and temporary, to the point someone wishing me a good morning in DMs leaves me feeling indebted. last night i caught myself offering to carve the name of a friend barely a week after meeting them.

it's just all so tiresome

atleast i have an arma buddy who's somewhat permanent