Been Going Through Extremes of Emotion

[KafkaF]

It's odd but the last few weeks, maybe month or two, I've been going through some serious extremes of emotion when it comes to suicide.

There are times (like two weeks ago) that I was ready to end things and order everything that I needed to, to accomplish it. I was going to do it at the end of that week.

And then there are times like just now where I am utterly terrified of the idea of dying. And I don't want to lose everything that I have.

The circumstances might sound silly but I was watching a reaction video on "The Vampire Diaries." It's one of my all time favourite shows, particularly the first 2-3 seasons. I'm a writer too and I was just very excited to see (for the 100th time) how well all the plot twists were executed and everything. And I was just happy to be able to experience it all and know it all and happy that I can experience it again in the future if I want to. And it made me terrified of having to give that up and forget about it all. Never be able to experience it again or remember it again.

I go through these extremes so much lately, where one moment I'm in so much pain and I feel so miserable I'm just ready to end it, and at other times I'm terrified of dying and I want to live.

It has been really confusing, tbh.

The problem that I come back to every time though in regards to wanting to live is... my life is so fucked up at this point. And even in those moments I still feel depressed. Even in my best moments I still can't actually get myself motivated enough to improve my life (which is royally fucked up).

So I'm just... stuck. Even if I want to get better, I feel like I no longer have the emotional strength or motivation to.

 

[Guy Smiley]

I'm really sorry you're struggling so much. I'm also stuck. I think a lot of suicidal people are. Choosing between living and suicide is very rarely an easy decision, I would imagine.

 

[orAbleCk]

Hey friend! Wanted to comment on this because I've been a fan girl ever since I can remember, hyperfixations have kept me alive on more occasions than I can count because even when things truly got bad, I still had things (however silly and insignificant they may seem to other people) that I would be loathe to give up. Do you remember the FMV (fan made videos) and ship edits people used to and still make of show and movie characters? I would bookmark those and go back to them on bad days and it would allow me to escape for a few hours from my reality. Yes, it merely stalled my emotions rather than solved them but I think it's good to have something you love so much that can take you out of your head for a while when you need it. No harm in that! Do you think maybe you could try to build a routine where you build one good habit a day and as a reward you can watch an 1hr or so of your favorite edits at the end of the day as a reward? That worked well for me and of course I'm still miserable af but I think for people like us we need to really break things down into little steps in order to make something worth trying or attempting. For example, one of my habits was to keep my vanity cabinet clear because I'm really bad at letting clutter build and just throwing stuff on it and forgetting about it till it's become this huge gargantuan mess I don't even want to tackle. Instead, I tried cleaning one cabinet at a time each day and remembering to put things back immediately when I take them out. And then at the end of the day rewarding myself with some good TV or a snack to say job well done. Simple and seemingly basic, but makes all the difference in trying to devoured your life/mind. Hope this helped.

 

[Abandoned Character]

It's odd but the last few weeks, maybe month or two, I've been going through some serious extremes of emotion when it comes to suicide.

There are times (like two weeks ago) that I was ready to end things and order everything that I needed to, to accomplish it. I was going to do it at the end of that week.

And then there are times like just now where I am utterly terrified of the idea of dying. And I don't want to lose everything that I have.

The circumstances might sound silly but I was watching a reaction video on "The Vampire Diaries." It's one of my all time favourite shows, particularly the first 2-3 seasons. I'm a writer too and I was just very excited to see (for the 100th time) how well all the plot twists were executed and everything. And I was just happy to be able to experience it all and know it all and happy that I can experience it again in the future if I want to. And it made me terrified of having to give that up and forget about it all. Never be able to experience it again or remember it again.

I go through these extremes so much lately, where one moment I'm in so much pain and I feel so miserable I'm just ready to end it, and at other times I'm terrified of dying and I want to live.

It has been really confusing, tbh.

The problem that I come back to every time though in regards to wanting to live is... my life is so fucked up at this point. And even in those moments I still feel depressed. Even in my best moments I still can't actually get myself motivated enough to improve my life (which is royally fucked up).

So I'm just... stuck. Even if I want to get better, I feel like I no longer have the emotional strength or motivation to.

Do you have a support system? Family? Friends? Community? I would encourage you to not take this on all on your own. You may not have the emotion strength/motivation to move forward because all you see is radical changes that must take place. It is much harder to identify the small changes we can make that may make life slightly more manageable (for me, it was a thing called habit releasing). Thank you for sharing.