Venting Been crying non stop (((・・;)

[maggineko]

On Sunday, my mother made fun of me for wearing a little makeup (eyeshadow and mascara) and I've kind of spiraled from there. It was really bad, even though the trigger was trivial and I'd been feeling okay the previous couple weeks. I cried and cried and cried the whole day until Monday, and I'm still not feeling better since then. Wearing a little makeup was my way of feeling like not a loser, when I'm pretty much a loser every other time.

Monday, I fainted in class from crying so much. I went to the infirmary and cried more. Went home and continued to cry, and joined SaSu! Yay!

Tuesday, less crying, but still there, mostly at home. I had a cry during class but was as lowkey as possible about it. Felt a little ignored and hurt that my friend sitting right next to me didn't notice/didn't do anything, but it's to be expected. Anytime someone tries to help me, I just say "nah, I'm okay."

Wednesday, today, no crying on college premises anymore, but started crying in the backseat of the car. I'm a very quiet type of cry-er, so my parents seldom notice while driving. I mostly just break down when I close the door to my room.

I've never cried so much in my life. I don't cry very often, though I used to be a crybaby when I was younger. Some things just don't change internally! (；^ω^)

 

[Gild-Holm-’Ur]

Good morning, Nix. I would give some leeway to your friend. Sometimes just don't know how to react or what to do or what to do and just freeze.

I hope you feel better.

 

[nooneyouknow]

crying is so tiring and so relieving at the same time, hope ur holding on best you can <33 those bouts of nonstop crying always suck

 

[lastappleonearth]

On Sunday, my mother made fun of me for wearing a little makeup (eyeshadow and mascara) and I've kind of spiraled from there. It was really bad, even though the trigger was trivial and I'd been feeling okay the previous couple weeks. I cried and cried and cried the whole day until Monday, and I'm still not feeling better since then. Wearing a little makeup was my way of feeling like not a loser, when I'm pretty much a loser every other time.

Monday, I fainted in class from crying so much. I went to the infirmary and cried more. Went home and continued to cry, and joined SaSu! Yay!

Tuesday, less crying, but still there, mostly at home. I had a cry during class but was as lowkey as possible about it. Felt a little ignored and hurt that my friend sitting right next to me didn't notice/didn't do anything, but it's to be expected. Anytime someone tries to help me, I just say "nah, I'm okay."

Wednesday, today, no crying on college premises anymore, but started crying in the backseat of the car. I'm a very quiet type of cry-er, so my parents seldom notice while driving. I mostly just break down when I close the door to my room.

I've never cried so much in my life. I don't cry very often, though I used to be a crybaby when I was younger. Some things just don't change internally! (；^ω^)

Yeah it's weird how things can change. I used to basically never cry or it was at least super rare, but now it's become a common occurrence, like I can cry for hours sometimes. Though in a way I like crying, because after it you feel a bit of relief.
I hope you get to feel better

 

[maggineko]

Yeah it's weird how things can change. I used to basically never cry or it was at least super rare, but now it's become a common occurrence, like I can cry for hours sometimes. Though in a way I like crying, because after it you feel a bit of relief.
I hope you get to feel better

Thank you!! It just came flowing out like a dam broke, I guess because I'd been holding it for so long!

Good morning, Nix. I would give some leeway to your friend. Sometimes just don't know how to react or what to do or what to do and just freeze.

I hope you feel better.

Yes, I understand. It's just a lonely feeling haha, I don't blame her for not knowing how to help. I will only ever have myself regardless. But thank you so much Good morning to you too!

crying is so tiring and so relieving at the same time, hope ur holding on best you can <33 those bouts of nonstop crying always suck

Thank you, lovely! Gunna try to hold on until next May, and the next May, and the next! Hope I stop crying soon though (I'm still going actually, haha), I'm in the middle of the busiest semester ever!

 

[Pvnie]

sometimes I'd love to cry, It'd give me something to do.

 

[a-lien]

You need -1 more posts to view this content

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I've had days like that before too and they aren't fun. My reasons may be different from your reasons, but yet I still understand what it's like. Sorry you're feeling so bad, I hope you can feel better soon.

 

[maggineko]

[Hidden content]

Thank you very much Yes, I do believe my friend just didn't know how to react or help. I'm usually a very tough person and I do not cry a lot in front of other people, so it must have been shocking when I did. The song you referred to is very correct. Good things do not last forever, but fortunately bad things don't last forever too.

Please don't worry about what you wrote, I understood perfectly fine Thank you for talking to me

I've had days like that before too and they aren't fun. My reasons may be different from your reasons, but yet I still understand what it's like. Sorry you're feeling so bad, I hope you can feel better soon.

Thank you very much, I'm gradually feeling better now Your kindness is comforting.

Also, I noticed you put 'metal head' in your member tag! Would you care to share any favourites or recommendations? ("⌒∇⌒") My dad is a huge fan of Metallica and Megadeth (lol), used to be in a band that just played Metallica all day; and I've loved A Tout Le Monde and Train of Consequences since I was a kid.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Thank you very much, I'm gradually feeling better now Your kindness is comforting.

Also, I noticed you put 'metal head' in your member tag! Would you care to share any favourites or recommendations? ("⌒∇⌒") My dad is a huge fan of Metallica and Megadeth (lol), used to be in a band that just played Metallica all day; and I've loved A Tout Le Monde and Train of Consequences since I was a kid.

I'm glad I could help somehow. It really does suck feeling as bad as you have been.

I would say Epica is my favorite, since their song Unleashed is what inspired my name on this site, it literally comes from the lyrics to that song. Also, I love Metallica, but haven't listened to much Megadeth unfortunately. I've listened to some, but loved what I heard so not sure why I haven't listened to more. I also love Avenged Sevenfold too, but really my member tag should say Epica fan if I'm being honest lol. It's been a while since I've listened to music lately, so maybe I should get back to it.

 

[Macedonian1987]

On Sunday, my mother made fun of me for wearing a little makeup (eyeshadow and mascara) and I've kind of spiraled from there. It was really bad, even though the trigger was trivial and I'd been feeling okay the previous couple weeks. I cried and cried and cried the whole day until Monday, and I'm still not feeling better since then. Wearing a little makeup was my way of feeling like not a loser, when I'm pretty much a loser every other time.

Monday, I fainted in class from crying so much. I went to the infirmary and cried more. Went home and continued to cry, and joined SaSu! Yay!

Tuesday, less crying, but still there, mostly at home. I had a cry during class but was as lowkey as possible about it. Felt a little ignored and hurt that my friend sitting right next to me didn't notice/didn't do anything, but it's to be expected. Anytime someone tries to help me, I just say "nah, I'm okay."

Wednesday, today, no crying on college premises anymore, but started crying in the backseat of the car. I'm a very quiet type of cry-er, so my parents seldom notice while driving. I mostly just break down when I close the door to my room.

I've never cried so much in my life. I don't cry very often, though I used to be a crybaby when I was younger. Some things just don't change internally! (；^ω^)

I am so sorry you are going through this right now. Please give yourself some grace. what your mom said might feel like a "trivial" trigger on the surface, but it clearly hit a deep and sensitive spot, especially when that little bit of makeup was a tool for you to feel good about yourself. Words from parents carry a heavy weight, and it makes total sense why that cut so deeply.
Crying so much that you fainted shows just how much pain and exhaustion your body is holding onto right now. You are carrying a massive emotional load, and even if you are convincing yourself that you are "a loser" or that you should just be "okay," your body is telling you that you need comfort, rest, and kindness. You are not a loser for wanting to feel nice, and you are certainly not a loser for hurting.
You deserve to be seen, supported, and cared for. If you feel comfortable, consider reaching out to a counselor at your college infirmary or a trusted person to talk through what you're feeling you don't have to carry all of this alone in your room.


Sending you a big virtual hug. Be gentle with yourself.

 

[maggineko]

I'm glad I could help somehow. It really does suck feeling as bad as you have been.

I would say Epica is my favorite, since their song Unleashed is what inspired my name on this site, it literally comes from the lyrics to that song. Also, I love Metallica, but haven't listened to much Megadeth unfortunately. I've listened to some, but loved what I heard so not sure why I haven't listened to more. I also love Avenged Sevenfold too, but really my member tag should say Epica fan if I'm being honest lol. It's been a while since I've listened to music lately, so maybe I should get back to it.

Gosh, I've actually never heard of Epica before! I'll definitely give it a listen. As for getting back into music, you totally should! Music is great for the soul and thanks for talking to me!

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Gosh, I've actually never heard of Epica before! I'll definitely give it a listen. As for getting back into music, you totally should! Music is great for the soul and thanks for talking to me!

I'm jamming to music right now! So far, I've listened to Jinjer - Pisces, Slipknot - Sulfur, and now my favorite song by Epica - Unleashed.,

 

[systemic_livestock]

I relate alot with the crying oversomthing small spiraling in my mind but never to this extent. I wish you well it sounds like it sucks, it must be freeing to let it out so much even if its so tiring, there is somthing peacefull about leting it all out through your letting yourself feel in a world where you are soically expectied to prened to yourself its all fine.

 

[maggineko]

I am so sorry you are going through this right now. Please give yourself some grace. what your mom said might feel like a "trivial" trigger on the surface, but it clearly hit a deep and sensitive spot, especially when that little bit of makeup was a tool for you to feel good about yourself. Words from parents carry a heavy weight, and it makes total sense why that cut so deeply.
Crying so much that you fainted shows just how much pain and exhaustion your body is holding onto right now. You are carrying a massive emotional load, and even if you are convincing yourself that you are "a loser" or that you should just be "okay," your body is telling you that you need comfort, rest, and kindness. You are not a loser for wanting to feel nice, and you are certainly not a loser for hurting.
You deserve to be seen, supported, and cared for. If you feel comfortable, consider reaching out to a counselor at your college infirmary or a trusted person to talk through what you're feeling you don't have to carry all of this alone in your room.


Sending you a big virtual hug. Be gentle with yourself.

Oh, thank you so so so much I almost went back into tears reading your reply. You're very sweet, thank you so much for your words.

I do have friends around me, but I've been alienated for so long that I always feel unwanted regardless haha. It's not like I don't trust them either, it's simply that I just can't open up to people who need me to be strong for them + they have very poor self-esteem so I don't want to accidentally discourage them from trusting me and opening up to me when they need someone. My college's counselor is an awful narcissistic person, so I honestly wouldn't, but I have SaSu at the very least! ♡

Thank you again for your kindness!

I relate alot with the crying oversomthing small spiraling in my mind but never to this extent. I wish you well it sounds like it sucks, it must be freeing to let it out so much even if its so tiring, there is somthing peacefull about leting it all out through your letting yourself feel in a world where you are soically expectied to prened to yourself its all fine.

Thank you so much for your kind words I'm sure I'll feel okay again soon. It hurts so much to cry but I know it happened because I needed it. Thank you for your kindness

 

[Macedonian1987]

Oh, thank you so so so much I almost went back into tears reading your reply. You're very sweet, thank you so much for your words.

I do have friends around me, but I've been alienated for so long that I always feel unwanted regardless haha. It's not like I don't trust them either, it's simply that I just can't open up to people who need me to be strong for them + they have very poor self-esteem so I don't want to accidentally discourage them from trusting me and opening up to me when they need someone. My college's counselor is an awful narcissistic person, so I honestly wouldn't, but I have SaSu at the very least! ♡

Thank you again for your kindness!

Thank you so much for your kind words I'm sure I'll feel okay again soon. It hurts so much to cry but I know it happened because I needed it. Thank you for your kindness

I am sending you the biggest hug. I'm so glad my words brought you a little comfort, even if it brought a few tears with it!
Reading your response, one thing stands out so clearly, you have such a deeply caring, protective heart. You are carrying so much of your friends' emotional weight and trying so hard to be their anchor, even when your own boat is taking on water. That is a very kind quality, but it is also an exhausting way to live. You deserve to be held and taken care of, too. I am so sorry to hear about your college counselor! That is beyond frustrating when the one place meant to be a safe haven isn't safe at all. You deserve much better support than that.

 

[maggineko]

I am sending you the biggest hug. I'm so glad my words brought you a little comfort, even if it brought a few tears with it!
Reading your response, one thing stands out so clearly, you have such a deeply caring, protective heart. You are carrying so much of your friends' emotional weight and trying so hard to be their anchor, even when your own boat is taking on water. That is a very kind quality, but it is also an exhausting way to live. You deserve to be held and taken care of, too. I am so sorry to hear about your college counselor! That is beyond frustrating when the one place meant to be a safe haven isn't safe at all. You deserve much better support than that.

Thank you again dearly! Thank you so so so so much! How sweet you are! There's really goodness still around the world. I have a little hope that I'll find someone to hold me and take care of me someday. I was an unwanted conception, but I know love exists because I exist to love. Sorry if that's a little corny haha! And thank you again <3

 

[SilentVelvet]

I cry a lot, even in public haha. At home, I've gotten into the habit of dancing when that happens, because why not? You can cope with pain in a funny way too

 

[maggineko]

I cry a lot, even in public haha. At home, I've gotten into the habit of dancing when that happens, because why not? You can cope with pain in a funny way too

That's true! Sometimes I'm stubborn in my own sadness and refuse to do anything that would make me feel better haha. I like to follow Vocaloid/Project Diva choreography tho!

 

[Macedonian1987]

That's true! Sometimes I'm stubborn in my own sadness and refuse to do anything that would make me feel better haha. I like to follow Vocaloid/Project Diva choreography tho!

I made these photos for you, inspired by your avatar. Hoping they bring a small smile to your face today

 

[maggineko]

I made these photos for you, inspired by your avatar. Hoping they bring a small smile to your face today View attachment 206880
View attachment 206881

Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts if you're curious, the profile picture is someone's drawing of the main character from the anime comedy series Yani Neko or Chainsmoker Cat. I recommend it if you're looking for anything to watch haha

 

[Macedonian1987]

Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts if you're curious, the profile picture is someone's drawing of the main character from the anime comedy series Yani Neko or Chainsmoker Cat. I recommend it if you're looking for anything to watch haha

I'm currently like Robin Williams was in his last days. Even though he was drowning in sadness he was still trying to make everyone around him smile. Currently I'm drowning in sadness. Living for more than 20 years with depression is no joke. If everything goes as planned I will ctb soon. I'm just too tired of fighting a losing battle.

As for anime. I wasn't really much into it. The only anime I ever watched was the Akira movie, but that was probably 25 years ago :)

 

[maggineko]

I'm currently like Robin Williams was in his last days. Even though he was drowning in sadness he was still trying to make everyone around him smile. Currently I'm drowning in sadness. Living for more than 20 years with depression is no joke. If everything goes as planned I will ctb soon. I'm just too tired of fighting a losing battle.

As for anime. I wasn't really much into it. The only anime I ever watched was the Akira movie, but that was probably 25 years ago :)

I know of Mr Williams, though not very much. He seemed so gentle and kind. I'm sorry to hear that you're going to leave soon, but I wish you all the peace that you can find and hope you experience all the sweetness in the world before your bus ride. Should there be an afterlife, let's meet there and have a long chat! And the Akira movie, I don't know much about it considering I'm two decades younger than you haha, but I'll watch it someday and will be thinking of you.

 

[Macedonian1987]

I know of Mr Williams, though not very much. He seemed so gentle and kind. I'm sorry to hear that you're going to leave soon, but I wish you all the peace that you can find and hope you experience all the sweetness in the world before your bus ride. Should there be an afterlife, let's meet there and have a long chat! And the Akira movie, I don't know much about it considering I'm two decades younger than you haha, but I'll watch it someday and will be thinking of you.

Robin Williams was the kindest warmest and most generous actor I have ever seen, but he was hurting a lot for many years before he died.
I plan on leaving soon and this was long time coming. Ever since I was 16 I began feeling suicidal, but I still had hopes that life would improve somehow, sadly it didn't. Now at the age of 39 it has gotten worse in almost every conceivable way.
Thank you for your very kind wishes, it means a lot. I believe in an afterlife and I would be very glad to have you as my friend there.
As for the Akira movie, it's better that you don't watch it. It's a messed-up movie and I didn't like it. I was, in a sense, forced to watch it because I tried to fit in with some schoolmates who never really accepted me

 

[Pluto]