becoming more and more sure..

[sincerelysad]

question at the end..

the more i think about ways to ctb the more i'm sure of wanting to follow through with it.
the more i become sure of wanting to follow through, the more depressed i become over lack of a peaceful method. the banning of fentanyl in a lot of markets, plus the addition of the inaccessibility of N is a combination of grief i didn't know would effect me like this. i'm grieving the loss of options im only just learning about having/losing.

i used to seriously consider death by train or death by jumping, but i really don't think i'll ever be able to bring myself to go through with those. i used to think that being physically unable to go through with these methods just meant i wasn't as suicidal as i could be, and if i was desperate enough i'd just do it without any second thought. by being here, i realize many people very desperate to ctb also feel this way, and that is extremely validating.
all i want is peace and im having a hard time coping with the fact that it's a lot harder to obtain than i thought it could be.

i guess what i'm asking is how did you cope with/come to terms with the fact that a peaceful exit is not accessible at the moment? and how did you cope with knowing you're unable to ctb for the foreseeable future despite it being the only thing you want? tysm for even reading this far<33

 

[MideonNViscera]

Sorry Sincerely, I don't have an answer your first question. I went ahead and got SN.

For the second though, anytime I was suicidal but not immediately, I would just focus on trying to turn things around. Or if that wasn't possible I would just give up on life and focus on the things that kept me comfortable.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I've had suicidal ideation to varying degrees for 32 years. I've considered SO many methods and I deeply sympathise- it's just this sickening feeling contemplating what violent act you might have to put yourself through to leave this place. I have now settled on SN as my likely method. I know it's not the most peaceful but I think it's the best I can realistically achieve.

As for timing though- I have been hanging on all this time- and continue to because I don't think I can do it to my Dad. If I'm honest, it's just getting harder and harder though. I just don't honestly know how I'm going to get through however long I have to wait. I'm looking for a new job at the moment and I don't even know whether I can bluff my way through just an interview- trying to act positive and normal- if I even get that far. I SO long for it just to be over but I suppose I will have to keep going because I don't feel like I have a choice. I'm sorry you feel so trapped as well. A major comfort has actually become this place. I'm so grateful to be able to finally just be honest.

 

[sincerelysad]

Sorry Sincerely, I don't have an answer your first question. I went ahead and got SN.

For the second though, anytime I was suicidal but not immediately, I would just focus on trying to turn things around. Or if that wasn't possible I would just give up on life and focus on the things that kept me comfortable.

thank you for this response. i oftentimes find it silly or dumb to focus on what makes me comfortable and keeps me somewhat sane. people think i'm extremely lazy or don't care about relying on myself when really i just can't bring myself to because all i can think out it what to ctb. im in so much physical agony that i couldn't even work a normal job if i tried with everything in me.
i wish so badly to be normal and to function like everyone else. i've tried just doing it, pushing everything down and getting over it and doing it, and i just can't.

I've had suicidal ideation to varying degrees for 32 years. I've considered SO many methods and I deeply sympathise- it's just this sickening feeling contemplating what violent act you might have to put yourself through to leave this place. I have now settled on SN as my likely method. I know it's not the most peaceful but I think it's the best I can realistically achieve.

As for timing though- I have been hanging on all this time- and continue to because I don't think I can do it to my Dad. If I'm honest, it's just getting harder and harder though. I just don't honestly know how I'm going to get through however long I have to wait. I'm looking for a new job at the moment and I don't even know whether I can bluff my way through just an interview- trying to act positive and normal- if I even get that far. I SO long for it just to be over but I suppose I will have to keep going because I don't feel like I have a choice. I'm sorry you feel so trapped as well. A major comfort has actually become this place. I'm so grateful to be able to finally just be honest.

i'm glad you've been able to settle on something that feels right for you. i hope i can achieve that someday too. i would probably do SN in a heartbeat if i could access it.
i resonate heavily with feeling like i have to keep going because i don't have much of a choice.
this place has become a major comfort of mine as well. being honest here has done more for me than anything else has in my life and for that i am forever grateful. <3

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Well, I can commiserate. I mainly considered jumping at one point but was unable to even set out to go to my spot. Now I have SN (and was fortunate to acquire it) but am stalling. I had my heart set on a date next week but that is starting to look pretty doubtful. People will cite our inaction as proof we don't really want to die or that we're not serious about but that's just ignorant to the realities of CTB.

i guess what i'm asking is how did you cope with/come to terms with the fact that a peaceful exit is not accessible at the moment? and how did you cope with knowing you're unable to ctb for the foreseeable future despite it being the only thing you want? tysm for even reading this far<33

In this case you have to find a way to palliate, meaning to cope with living when you don't want to. You definitely don't want to sabotage your life out of apathy because lager down the line you might have to repair the self-inflicted damage (ask me how I know!). You said SN is unaffordable right now for you; what are some steps you can take to be able to afford that? And working on finances would be helpful for your life because you never know when CTB is going to happen, if it does.

 

[sincerelysad]

Well, I can commiserate. I mainly considered jumping at one point but was unable to even set out to go to my spot. Now I have SN (and was fortunate to acquire it) but am stalling. I had my heart set on a date next week but that is starting to look pretty doubtful. People will cite our inaction as proof we don't really want to die or that we're not serious about but that's just ignorant to the realities of CTB.




In this case you have to find a way to palliate, meaning to cope with living when you don't want to. You definitely don't want to sabotage your life out of apathy because lager down the line you might have to repair the self-inflicted damage (ask me how I know!). You said SN is unaffordable right now for you; what are some steps you can take to be able to afford that? And working on finances would be helpful for your life because you never know when CTB is going to happen, if it does.

i'm in a relationship and situation that makes it so i can't save any of my own money. i'm pretty stuck.

 

[FuneralCry]

I find it to be so horrific how there is a lack of peaceful and reliable ways to voluntarily end our existence, as humans it's what we deserve the option of after being so unfairly forced into existence in the first place. It's insane to do everything to restrict suicide methods when all that we are destined for is to die anyway. I simply see no value in delaying our inevitable fate.

In my case, of course the difficulty and risks involved in suicide is the only reason as to why I still exist. I would be long gone if I had access to N. The way that I see it, to answer the question, if someone doesn't ctb then they literally have no choice but to endure this existence and it's certainly tiring feeling trapped here. But your feelings of wishing to be gone are really understandable, it's just so wrong and unfair how suicide is this difficult for us.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

i'm in a relationship and situation that makes it so i can't save any of my own money. i'm pretty stuck.

That sucks. Feeling trapped is a horrible feeling. It sounds like this dismantling this relationship isn't feasible. I suppose it would still be in your interest to find some.other way of improving life as far as your circumstances allow.