livinforthelasttime
New Member
- Sep 18, 2024
- 2
After 16 years if education , it's all meaningless because of my final few years if university. I started university with no grade below 60. As I become more depressed, likely undiagnoised neurodivergence started catching up to me and it all went down hill. Especially this final year, i've never done so poorly in my life. I really tried, reached out to my uni and was able to get therapy for a period of time and it helped with managing the worst of the depression a bit but the adhd side of it...I passed with a 2:2 and from the Internet and friends it's all "u did well to pass inspite of everything " and "it's not the end of the world" but ik my family won't see it that way, i've always had pretty good grades and that's expected of me, my brother got a 2:1, just a few marks from a 1st and I barely scrapped a 2nd doing a much easier degree. " don't tell them" my friends have said but unfortunately ik my family, they ask me about it and being it up every time I talk to them, it's not possible.
I've disappointed myself and added onto to list of things about me that disgrace my family. I have no money, no savings because i think i spent all the savings that my parents had for me years ago and now they keep asking about it and so i keep deflecting, no work experience , l'm a closeted ( to my family) bisexual trans guy, though my obvious queerness has been the cause of disappointment and abuse through my childhood even before I understood it I can't bring myself to tell them and this has only further confirmed for me that suicide is the best option for both me and my family.
I've been depressed and had suicidal since I was a pre teen, with nothing getting better, only thing that keeps me going is latching onto special interests and consuming myself with them and the fact that there was always a set path next to distract me, now there's nothing, i'm supposed to start building a real life. And I fucked up and wasted my life ever corner, there's nothing special about me, my family hates me and I hate myself. I wrote a suicide note the other day about how insignificant my death would even be on everyone, and the more I think about it the truer it is, like I said, it's probably better.
I envy the fact that since i'm in the uk there's no guns to just make it quick, the option i chose and planned from a year ago is hanging and I read on here it's possible even with a bedsheets. So why haven't I done it? Maybe i'm scared, maybe it's because I have plans tonight where people reply on me and I don't want to disappoint them either or maybe it's the worst torture humans have, hope. I don't believe that it will get better but maybe the tiniest part of me has hope for something, out of the countless jobs i applied for recently, 1 has next staged me for a short video interview and the possibility that maybe if i get that opportunity, i can turn things around (though my dad has already voiced complaints about the low wage when I told him) .
I'm spiralling through a lot of things rn, wether I should call the good samaritans, though i'm not sure what that'll do, wether I should go to a hospital and tell them I'm a a danger to myself right now, or should I just ignore whatever it is keeping me hear and just go for it. Over the next few days i'm going make a decision.
I've disappointed myself and added onto to list of things about me that disgrace my family. I have no money, no savings because i think i spent all the savings that my parents had for me years ago and now they keep asking about it and so i keep deflecting, no work experience , l'm a closeted ( to my family) bisexual trans guy, though my obvious queerness has been the cause of disappointment and abuse through my childhood even before I understood it I can't bring myself to tell them and this has only further confirmed for me that suicide is the best option for both me and my family.
I've been depressed and had suicidal since I was a pre teen, with nothing getting better, only thing that keeps me going is latching onto special interests and consuming myself with them and the fact that there was always a set path next to distract me, now there's nothing, i'm supposed to start building a real life. And I fucked up and wasted my life ever corner, there's nothing special about me, my family hates me and I hate myself. I wrote a suicide note the other day about how insignificant my death would even be on everyone, and the more I think about it the truer it is, like I said, it's probably better.
I envy the fact that since i'm in the uk there's no guns to just make it quick, the option i chose and planned from a year ago is hanging and I read on here it's possible even with a bedsheets. So why haven't I done it? Maybe i'm scared, maybe it's because I have plans tonight where people reply on me and I don't want to disappoint them either or maybe it's the worst torture humans have, hope. I don't believe that it will get better but maybe the tiniest part of me has hope for something, out of the countless jobs i applied for recently, 1 has next staged me for a short video interview and the possibility that maybe if i get that opportunity, i can turn things around (though my dad has already voiced complaints about the low wage when I told him) .
I'm spiralling through a lot of things rn, wether I should call the good samaritans, though i'm not sure what that'll do, wether I should go to a hospital and tell them I'm a a danger to myself right now, or should I just ignore whatever it is keeping me hear and just go for it. Over the next few days i'm going make a decision.
