Story Back again

[tieiwi]

Hello everyone, it has been two years since I last posted on here. I wish I could return with the good news that I have fallen in love with life and decided to keep on living. But unfortunately that is not the case. Life is still bad and I am still looking for a way out. I believe I will never find a way because I am such a wuss when it comes to pain! Anyway, it feels good to be back. I was so relieved to see this website was still up. I like how we can gather here and talk about all the stuff we normally can't in person or in other online spaces! I look forward to posting more about my misery! I also hope everyone is well.

 

[darksouls]

hello and welcome back to sasu

 

[suisuiforum]

Honestly I also don't really post or visit this site as much anymore. I don't think I'm as suicidal as I was in the past, but certain things can still send me back into the depressive mindset I had a few years ago when I was literally on the site every day lol. I actually extensively planned to CTB, bought the materials, and had my date/location picked out, but something ended up disrupting my plans, and it really put a damper on them because I was seriously working up the courage to pull through. Idk I got freaked out about the process of dying to the point where I realized that if I can't kms then I might as well try to live? So funnily enough, planning my death helped me move on from being in that dark place, although no mental health professional would recommend that as a potential solution lmao (which is why I think this site can be therapeutic at times).

Anyway even after I decided I wasn't going to CTB, I stopped being super active but l'll randomly come back to this site when I want to read posts from likeminded people who understand this kind of suffering. Like Idk I saw a post about a somewhat well-known online figure who CTBed recently, and it reminded me of this period I was in (esp because I discovered them many years ago when I first wanted to CTB and they posted extremely relatable content lol), and it didn't trigger me to actively plan again but just got me reflecting. I still don't think life is all that great, and I highly doubt I'll ever fully recover, because even if I have other things going on in life, experiencing certain life events and having those initial CTB thoughts are like opening Pandora's box without a way to put all the contents back imo. It'll always be in the back of my mind as a potential option, since I can still see myself attempting if things get REALLY bad (I never threw away my CTB materials because keeping them gave me peace of mind)

Enough with the yap spree lmao welcome back and tldr: I felt this post