Venting avoiding media because i'm worried i'll get sad

[monetpompo]

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one of my neighbor's lawnmowers woke me up. i used to be really into watching movies, but now i'm anxious at the thought of watching one because i don't want to feel anything. i don't want to feel happy, sad, jealous, angry, or excited. feeling things scares me now for some reason, and i don't want to watch a movie even if i enjoy it because i'm afraid that i'll get sad. i just hate getting sad because the feeling eats me up inside and almost everything makes me feel sad, because i feel so bad about the situation i'm in that it makes me envious of other people.

when i was having a similar depressive episode to this, i think that having any movie on made me start crying. i felt so bad about myself that i couldn't think about anything besides my own grief and loneliness. it feels so self pitying to say things like this. it's really hard to detach from my loneliness when i watch movies where people hang out, have friends, and have social interactions while i only talk to people on my phone. sometimes even youtube videos make me feel lonely, since even though content creators they still talk to each other and enjoy each other's company. it makes me feel like a crazy person sometimes. why is the concept of people having friends and partners enough to make me feel extremely lonely inside? i feel like some sort of hole has been torn inside of me that makes it hard for me to enjoy anything, because all i want to do is lay in my bed and contemplate suicide. i wish i could go out and hang out with someone. some days all i want to do is leave my house but it feels pointless without a license.

swing girls used to be my favorite movie, now it's tied too deeply to the memories i had with someone else. movies are tied to someone i used to watch them with, because i only watched and discussed them with one person. it's painful to not watch movies anymore, because i feel like i lost a part of him that he can share with someone else. i've tried to watch movies with other people and it can still be fun, but i know all i'm trying to do is replicate what it was like to watch movies with him rather than enjoy someone else's company. no one i know likes movies, or is into them the way i'm into them. if someone did, i would feel less lonely. but it's another thing i just don't have in common with anyone else, and that makes me want to avoid watching them even though it was my favorite hobby in the world. it feels so depressing to be overly aware that i'm watching a movie on my laptop to not think about my depression that i want to turn it off so that i can go back to being sad and anxious. it feels like everything i do is just an attempt to distract myself from the fact that my life is going downhill and everyone is leaving me. every morning i wake up i feel the same sense of despair because i don't have anyone in my life and i don't want to have anyone in my life because i don't want to lose them. i know this isn't really the right way to live. i just want to avoid more pain. maybe everything will be painful if i keep avoiding the things i used to enjoy. i know that i can never go back to the way things used to be, but trying to move past this feeling just hurts more.